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So exhausted with ex and his wife “managing me”

179 replies

LissyBooks · 29/05/2022 16:16

Divorced 10 years when children were very small (3 DC). Ex DH was useless, never bothered unless it was the ‘fun’ stuff, didn’t get up at night or in the mornings, was unemployed for two years whilst I go up to work at 5am.

We divorced and ex met his now wife. He started his own business and the pair of them are very successful financially. Beautiful house, 3 holidays a year, no children of their own. My life is the absolute opposite, I live in a run down rental, work all the hours I can and I’m single.

We share the children 50/50 - no maintenance paid.

Over the years ex has morphed into a “perfect parent” along with his wife. Whereas every decision I make is critiqued and criticised by them. Nothing I ever do is good enough. It’s almost like they see themselves as the saviours of the children from me. They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

I am certainly not a perfect parent, I do shout, I do lose my temper but I am by no means some benefits Britain mum who needs to be told how to raise my kids. I work in a senior job with above average wage, my children are
healthy, happy, good school attendance and well rounded kids.

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

Theyve never had to cope on their own with 3 children. They have money, a cleaner, extended family and resources and they are looking down their noses at me constantly and judging the way I breathe

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone!

OP posts:
Badqueen · 29/05/2022 16:33

I am certainly not a perfect parent, I do shout, I do lose my temper but I am by no means some benefits Britain mum

You what?

LissyBooks · 29/05/2022 16:36

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Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 16:37

Just ignore them? They have no say in your life, you have no say in theres. Perhaps speak to your 16 year old and see where they would prefer to stay?

You seem very pissed off at them for being successful, and having "extra help". You don't like them looking down on you but you're quite happy to judge others "benefits Britain mum".... Bit of a hypocritical comment.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

BeyondPurpleTulips · 29/05/2022 16:39

I had sympathy and was going to offer suggestions, but as I'm on benefits I'm going to guess you don't want my advice Biscuit

Onemoresleeptogonow · 29/05/2022 16:39

Block her. She figures not in your life.

Pegasaurus · 29/05/2022 16:40

I think I'd just message back something along the lines of 'if I need your input on my parenting I'll ask for it' and repeat every single time, then just ignore.

Don't get drawn into an argument and try not to give them some headspace. Unfortunately, the parent who does the brunt of the hard work often seems to be taken for granted.

Schoolrunrum · 29/05/2022 16:41

Again, you what?

britneyisfree · 29/05/2022 16:42

You sound lovely Hmm

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 16:42

Pegasaurus · 29/05/2022 16:40

I think I'd just message back something along the lines of 'if I need your input on my parenting I'll ask for it' and repeat every single time, then just ignore.

Don't get drawn into an argument and try not to give them some headspace. Unfortunately, the parent who does the brunt of the hard work often seems to be taken for granted.

They have 50/50 care, they're literally doing equal work?

BigYellowElephant · 29/05/2022 16:42

So you don't like her judging you but you judge parents on benefits? You sound charming. And did you actually tell your 16 year old child to fuck off? If my ex did that I wouldn't be happy to send the kids to him either

Moodycow78 · 29/05/2022 16:42

Why are you interacting with them at all, just block both numbers and any social media and ignore ignore ignore, stop all contacts an. Sounds like the kids are old enough for any changes to existing arrangements for where they're staying can be arranged with the kids themselves surely? Text your 16 and ask her if she's happy to come home on Monday as normal.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2022 16:43

You told your 16 year old to fuck off?

Moodycow78 · 29/05/2022 16:44

Also stop looking at their lifestyle, try to avoid as many updates on what they're doing as possible. I'd also be furious if my ex was doing better than I after being a useless dick but it's not very healthy x

LondonWolf · 29/05/2022 16:45

🙄 I am on benefits. I didn't find your post offensive.

Grey rock, grey rock, then grey rock some more. It's the only thing that works. Expect escalation in the short term as they won't want to give up their punch bag. Comfort yourself with knowing that much of their bond as a couple is likely based on sneering at and criticising you.

Badger1970 · 29/05/2022 16:46

It sounds miserable, OP, but then the kids are obviously the ones telling them all this information.

I'd have a chat to the kids and say you don't want to hear about what goes on at Dad's house unless it's something that puts them in danger.... and vice versa.

Bibbetybobbity · 29/05/2022 16:46

I get what you’re saying- and would also advocate completely ignoring them. I find that breezily keeping moving is helpful in these situations if face to face.

yourestandingonmyneck · 29/05/2022 16:51

I see where you are coming from, I would find that difficult.

You worked and supported him, whilst raising the kids, while he was unemployed, yet you get no support.

It's hard without knowing all the details but what sticks out for me is that you are in a good job yet due to being a single parent with 3 kids are in a "run down rental".

I'd be asking them to put their money where their mouth is - help you with a deposit to buy a place. Your kids deserve a nice home and it'll all be going to them as inheritance anyway.

With a decent home of your own, which hopefully will cost less than rent, and him having the kids 50/50 as he does, it might take some of the pressure off you.

If they're not willing to help, I'd ask them to keep their advice / opinions to themselves.

BlackTourmaline · 29/05/2022 16:54

Perhaps the 16 year old wants to live with them. Older children should choose how and when they want contact. That’s how it worked with my 2 dcs at that age.

itwasntmetho · 29/05/2022 16:54

Oh wow that would irritate me too.
I think I would remind the ex that you, him and wife didn't all have babies together and while you're happy for him and the way he feels in a position to be smug now, you are very far from an unsuitable parent and you didn't withhold the children from him when he was lazy and disinterested and you were the only hands on parent and provider they had.

diddl · 29/05/2022 16:57

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2022 16:43

You told your 16 year old to fuck off?

That's how I understood it-also that Op "lashes out".

cherrymax · 29/05/2022 17:00

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You lost any sympathy from me with this bullshit.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 17:00

yourestandingonmyneck · 29/05/2022 16:51

I see where you are coming from, I would find that difficult.

You worked and supported him, whilst raising the kids, while he was unemployed, yet you get no support.

It's hard without knowing all the details but what sticks out for me is that you are in a good job yet due to being a single parent with 3 kids are in a "run down rental".

I'd be asking them to put their money where their mouth is - help you with a deposit to buy a place. Your kids deserve a nice home and it'll all be going to them as inheritance anyway.

With a decent home of your own, which hopefully will cost less than rent, and him having the kids 50/50 as he does, it might take some of the pressure off you.

If they're not willing to help, I'd ask them to keep their advice / opinions to themselves.

Why on earth should they buy her a house? Confused

darlingdodo · 29/05/2022 17:01

I read it that op meant the fuck off was to ex, not the 16 year old.

EcafTnuc · 29/05/2022 17:02

I didn’t read it as OP telling 16yo to fuck off but telling new wife / ex to fuck off for being patronising with the “parenting concerns”

MissNothing1991 · 29/05/2022 17:03

cherrymax · 29/05/2022 17:00

You lost any sympathy from me with this bullshit.

This. As a 'benefits mum', thanks for making me feel like a shitty mum, just because I was made redundant and my kids dad walked out Hmm