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So exhausted with ex and his wife “managing me”

179 replies

LissyBooks · 29/05/2022 16:16

Divorced 10 years when children were very small (3 DC). Ex DH was useless, never bothered unless it was the ‘fun’ stuff, didn’t get up at night or in the mornings, was unemployed for two years whilst I go up to work at 5am.

We divorced and ex met his now wife. He started his own business and the pair of them are very successful financially. Beautiful house, 3 holidays a year, no children of their own. My life is the absolute opposite, I live in a run down rental, work all the hours I can and I’m single.

We share the children 50/50 - no maintenance paid.

Over the years ex has morphed into a “perfect parent” along with his wife. Whereas every decision I make is critiqued and criticised by them. Nothing I ever do is good enough. It’s almost like they see themselves as the saviours of the children from me. They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

I am certainly not a perfect parent, I do shout, I do lose my temper but I am by no means some benefits Britain mum who needs to be told how to raise my kids. I work in a senior job with above average wage, my children are
healthy, happy, good school attendance and well rounded kids.

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

Theyve never had to cope on their own with 3 children. They have money, a cleaner, extended family and resources and they are looking down their noses at me constantly and judging the way I breathe

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone!

OP posts:
IrisVersicolor · 29/05/2022 19:49

I have been on benefits due to long term chronic illness although I’m not now.

I understood what OP meant - that despite being a single mum who was unemployed for 2 years, despite her ex and partner looking down on her - she does not in fact conform to a pejorative media stereotype.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to be in contact with ex’s partner OP - I would just stop all lines of communication with her, deal only with him. And only on your own terms - email, text, don’t be drawn into long phone discussions.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/05/2022 19:49

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 19:34

Ah yes, being petty and childish is the answer. Dear me.

I disagree. I don’t think Responding to questions\comment relevant to the child contact only is petty. I think it is an effective, non confrontational way to have boundaries with regards to an ex partners new wife constantly criticising.

how will engaging in the conversation be helpful? Conversation such as this would only be helpful if both people were communicating in good faith and wanting to engage with each other for a good outcome. That clearly isn’t the case here.

CruCru · 29/05/2022 19:50

<Sigh> The OP said that she loses her temper and sometimes shouts at her children - she has not said that she lashes out or swears. She would like to lash and or swear at the ex’s wife but so far hasn’t.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 19:53

ballsdeep · 29/05/2022 19:45

I think youre saying this to be nasty to the op. MN loves beating people when they are down.

OP it must be really hard for you. As pp suggested I would be asking for maintenance. I hope youre ok

I don't think ti was nasty at all, given that OP lashes out and tells the child to fuck off.

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 19:53

CruCru · 29/05/2022 19:50

<Sigh> The OP said that she loses her temper and sometimes shouts at her children - she has not said that she lashes out or swears. She would like to lash and or swear at the ex’s wife but so far hasn’t.

Read the OP again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2022 19:54

But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

It's impossible to tell who this is directed to and the OP doesn't appear to want to come back and say.

whynotwhatknot · 29/05/2022 19:55

I wish people could read round here

PinkSyCo · 29/05/2022 19:57

Having a senior job that pays good wages doesn’t make you a better mum than one who is on benefits. In fact I’ve been on benefits and now work for peanuts as a carer, yet have never told any of my kids to fuck off. Confused

CruCru · 29/05/2022 19:57

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 19:53

Read the OP again.

I’ve read the OP a few times. She said that she had an argument with the 16 year old because she won’t be shouted at or disrespected in her own home. She did not say that she swore at him or her.

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 19:57

CruCru · 29/05/2022 19:57

I’ve read the OP a few times. She said that she had an argument with the 16 year old because she won’t be shouted at or disrespected in her own home. She did not say that she swore at him or her.

I took the lashed out and fuck off to mean the teen.

Perhaps OP could clarify as I'm not the only one thinking this.

CruCru · 29/05/2022 19:58

whynotwhatknot · 29/05/2022 19:55

I wish people could read round here

Christ yes.

shandon14 · 29/05/2022 20:01

I would be saying "If you have any concerns about my parenting, please contact social services, in future I only want to discuss my children with their other parent".

Then in future, end every conversation with her quickly, repeating that you only wish to discuss your children's well being with their father.

I get what you mean by clarifying that you are not on benefits, I'm sure your ex and his wife would be even more of a delight if you were...lots of good people are on benefits through no fault of their own.

Spohn · 29/05/2022 20:04

Why are people wittering on about maintenance? The kids are split 50/50 between the parents. Therefore, no one gets maintenance money. Being jealous that your ex made different lifestyle choices to you does not mean they should give you money 😄

Starseeking · 29/05/2022 20:05

Sarahcoggles · 29/05/2022 17:15

I believe Benefits Britain was a TV programme that showed people who really did fit the negative stereotype. That's what OP is referring to - those people. She's not talking about everyone on benefits.

Yes, I thought this.

BTW if you are actually telling your 16 year old to F Off, you absolutely are Benefits Britain stereotype mum OP, whether you receive extra help or not!

Just ignore your EX and his DW, your house and life are nothing to do with them.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 20:05

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/05/2022 19:49

I disagree. I don’t think Responding to questions\comment relevant to the child contact only is petty. I think it is an effective, non confrontational way to have boundaries with regards to an ex partners new wife constantly criticising.

how will engaging in the conversation be helpful? Conversation such as this would only be helpful if both people were communicating in good faith and wanting to engage with each other for a good outcome. That clearly isn’t the case here.

I didn't say don't respond. Responding only with the intent to annoy someone is petty.

Borisblondboufant · 29/05/2022 20:06

Delete it. If she even mentions it say ‘I didn’t read it’. Stop engaging with them if you don’t have to.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 20:08

yourestandingonmyneck · 29/05/2022 19:47

Eh? Yes, I'd say it regardless of whether she was the mother or father.

The kids should have a decent standard of living with each of them. Can't understand why any decent parent wouldn't want that.

If he doesn't want that, fine, but he really needs to stop criticising then, which was my initial point.

But it's not up to him to fund her. That's not him being a bad parent. I'm sure you wouldn't want to pay your ex to have a nice house. The kids could live with him ft - problem solved but probably not a suggestion most would like.

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 20:09

"benefits Britain" is still a pretty nasty thing to say, regardless who it was aimed at.

40andlols · 29/05/2022 20:14

I have one of these. He forgets how shit he was until he met his wife and how were it not for her, he'd still be shit now.

IrisVersicolor · 29/05/2022 20:19

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 20:09

"benefits Britain" is still a pretty nasty thing to say, regardless who it was aimed at.

I was on benefits for a really long time, I don’t find it nasty. She’s just saying that despite a couple of years of unemployment (and presumably actually claiming benefits) and despite the disdain of her ex she doesn’t fit the negative stereotype they’re making her out to be.

I didn’t fit the negative stereotype either. Very few people do.

Thinkingblonde · 29/05/2022 20:20

EcafTnuc · 29/05/2022 17:02

I didn’t read it as OP telling 16yo to fuck off but telling new wife / ex to fuck off for being patronising with the “parenting concerns”

I read it this way too.

Onlyaprawninwhitby · 29/05/2022 20:25

You lost me when you wrote that you told your 16 year old to fuck off!

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 20:25

yeh, same, like that's the stereotype they're projecting on to me.
Even though I was on benefits for years, I know what the OP means because my x was cut from the same cloth. Constantly blaming me, shaming me, omg, if he'd had a partner so that the two of them could have united in seeing every single thing I did through a negative lens and then letting me know about that, I would have gone crazy with the injustice of it, so @LissyBooks if you haven't been scared away by all the judgment, fair play to you for having been strong enough to bear this shit for a decade.

HerRoyalNotness · 29/05/2022 20:39

Just reply ‘noted’ to every single txt or rant. Don’t rise to it as hard as that might be.

HerRoyalNotness · 29/05/2022 20:40

She didn’t, re read it