So exhausted with ex and his wife “managing me”

[LissyBooks]

Divorced 10 years when children were very small (3 DC). Ex DH was useless, never bothered unless it was the ‘fun’ stuff, didn’t get up at night or in the mornings, was unemployed for two years whilst I go up to work at 5am.

We divorced and ex met his now wife. He started his own business and the pair of them are very successful financially. Beautiful house, 3 holidays a year, no children of their own. My life is the absolute opposite, I live in a run down rental, work all the hours I can and I’m single.

We share the children 50/50 - no maintenance paid.

Over the years ex has morphed into a “perfect parent” along with his wife. Whereas every decision I make is critiqued and criticised by them. Nothing I ever do is good enough. It’s almost like they see themselves as the saviours of the children from me. They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

I am certainly not a perfect parent, I do shout, I do lose my temper but I am by no means some benefits Britain mum who needs to be told how to raise my kids. I work in a senior job with above average wage, my children are
healthy, happy, good school attendance and well rounded kids.

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

Theyve never had to cope on their own with 3 children. They have money, a cleaner, extended family and resources and they are looking down their noses at me constantly and judging the way I breathe

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone!

Nobodys reading is the issue.

It was clumsy wording and OP hasn't bothered to clarify.

Well said @Moonshine5 , completely agree.

No, you're wrong. There is no maintenance due here.

You can’t possibly know that without knowing who the non resident parent is and what their income is.

Go play on the CMS calculator if you don’t believe it, but it’s nowhere near as simple as 50/50 means no child maintenance is due.

This

She’s not disrespecting people on benefits, she’s talking about a particular, fairly dreadful, TV show called “Benefits Britain” where the majority of parents were feckless and the children were border-line neglected.
Calm down everyone!

Why doesn't he pay child maintenance? I'd get that sorted and also ignore them and tell the wife to go an fuck herself. They sound like twats.

Christ, people really go out of their way to take offence on here! No need to pile into the OP for a throwaway comment, you all know she meant she's not a feckless Waynetta slob/Vicky Pollard type, if you're not either why be so defensive?

OP YANBU, your ex and his wife sound like a right pair of smug cunts. I expect the children behave better for them because they don't feel as safe as they do with you. I would completely ignore them, if your oldest DC is 16 you can keep contact very minimal. It's not up to your ex let alone his wife whether they are going to "return" a 16 year old, FFS!

Because he has them 50% of the time!! Do people really not understand how it works?

The CMS calculator isn't applicable when care is 50/50. If you don't believe that, ring them. Don't preach what you don't understand.

Maintenance is not due in 50/50 cases because one parent earns more. Hth.

@LissyBooks can you please clarify who you told to fuck off.It's not clear from your post, and is quite central to the issue

where real, vulnerable people were mocked?

Not really, it’s still not the stepmother’s business. And the OP has been roundly punished on here so that’s already taken care of.

it’s still not the stepmother’s business

A child being lashed out at and told to fuck off is everyone's business. Child welfare is.

But the OP hasn't been back so its entirely possible the whole thing is a wind up.

She was suggesting that any reply to the step mothers text in a fuck off tone would be considered unhinged.

She was asking how to reply to a sticky beak without appearing annoyed.

I may have misread your post OP but did you say that you tell your child to F off?

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

the lashing out or fucking off in inverted commas is surely directed at the step mum for writing the essay, due to the "management" style of the step parent and ex partner and that is why the inverted commas are used to show that its not actual words but an action of that type

How does it read that the mother told the daughter to fuck off?

This is incorrect. 50/50 shared care means no maintenance due in the U.K. Also there can be 2 resident parents if there is an order saying the child lives with both parents.

I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness
To me, this reads as I can be shouted at and disrespected in my own home but have no right to react. 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps the 16yr old is playing both sides and has indicated they don't want to come home. At 16, my children managed their own relationship with their father and I kept well out.
I'd ignore the email and have as little contact as I could. Being resentful of what they have and you don't helps no one.

Bit of an overreaction.

@yourestandingonmyneck

The kids already have a nice home and inheritance at their dad and step mum's place.

You sound like the kind of single mum that gives all single mums a bad reputation with your self entitled attitude. "Everyone else should pay for my choice to have kids".

Omg 😂

I'm not a single mum 😂

My husband earns well but I'm actually the breadwinner.

In my circles, in the case of separation / divorce it's paramount to own two nice homes if the kids are spending time between two homes.

This isn't really done as a "gift" to either of the partners, often as some sort of loan / trust, often the property is bought as an investment for the long term with one partner / kids staying in it for however long the need may be.

I realise this is incredibly privileged and perhaps not the case here. I understood the ex to have a decent level of wealth but perhaps this is not affordable in which case not relevant.

In the event that he is wealthy enough to afford this, it makes sense to me to buy a property for his kids and other parent to live in, rather than the mother shelling out rent for a poor standard of rental, as she has said is the case.

Was really just making the point that it's not very useful for people to deal out criticism with no practical help / solution and can't understand the OP's frustration. Some people don't understand the link between rights and responsibility - if you want the right to dictate and criticise people, who need to step up and take some responsibility. It's very entitled to dish out criticism when you are doing nothing to contribute or assist.

It was perhaps not a relevant or realistic solution as, such is the way with MN, we really know so little of the OP's actual circumstances, was merely making the point that it's not very prudent to simply dish out criticism from his privileged position.

So basically, my viewpoint is that if my husband and I split, I wouldn't have my kids staying with him half the week in a "run down rental". My priority would be sorting out a decent home for them.

I concede this is a privileged viewpoint and probably unrealistic for most.

Not keen on the labelling me a single mum giving single mums a bad name though

Comfort yourself with knowing that much of their bond as a couple is likely based on sneering at and criticising you.

This.

As an aside I'm bemused by the number of people taking offense at the OP's post about benefits when posts about MN in general seem to love boasting that MN is frequented primarily by unrelatable six figure earners. Goes to show this really is not the case.

OP I suspect its a case of the grass is greener. Your ex may appear that he has everything but it won't be the case. If your sixteen year old is happier whilst there, perhaps offer this as a solution for the summer months? I'm sure it would ease things for you too? Stepmother certainly won't be pleased when she has no break from doing it fulltime?

Lots and lots of negative assumptions there, what's the basis for them?

Comfort yourself with knowing that much of their bond as a couple is likely based on sneering at and criticising you.

Totally this. It was always very sad to me that my exh and his new wife’s main interest as a couple was finding ways to criticise me.

It used to upset ds so much when he was little. The time he spent with his father was them (and ex’s family) constantly pumping him for information about me, saying things like “I am sure mummy wouldn’t have been so nice/responsible” for any situation that happened.

It was part of the reason that ds wasn’t upset when contact turned into once every few months.