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So exhausted with ex and his wife “managing me”

179 replies

LissyBooks · 29/05/2022 16:16

Divorced 10 years when children were very small (3 DC). Ex DH was useless, never bothered unless it was the ‘fun’ stuff, didn’t get up at night or in the mornings, was unemployed for two years whilst I go up to work at 5am.

We divorced and ex met his now wife. He started his own business and the pair of them are very successful financially. Beautiful house, 3 holidays a year, no children of their own. My life is the absolute opposite, I live in a run down rental, work all the hours I can and I’m single.

We share the children 50/50 - no maintenance paid.

Over the years ex has morphed into a “perfect parent” along with his wife. Whereas every decision I make is critiqued and criticised by them. Nothing I ever do is good enough. It’s almost like they see themselves as the saviours of the children from me. They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

I am certainly not a perfect parent, I do shout, I do lose my temper but I am by no means some benefits Britain mum who needs to be told how to raise my kids. I work in a senior job with above average wage, my children are
healthy, happy, good school attendance and well rounded kids.

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

Theyve never had to cope on their own with 3 children. They have money, a cleaner, extended family and resources and they are looking down their noses at me constantly and judging the way I breathe

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone!

OP posts:
Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 17:03

I mean to be honest even if it was to the ex she's not covering herself in glory. There's nothing I'd like more than to tell dps horrible ex to fuck off but I haven't because I'm a grown up and it doesn't benefit the child involved.

SO224350 · 29/05/2022 17:04

After you got up at 5 to go to work who looked after the kids?

kittensinthekitchen · 29/05/2022 17:05

But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

@LissyBooks

Is this the only response you can think of? This is possibly indicative of why they have concerns.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

HotDogKetchup · 29/05/2022 17:07

Just ignore her. It’s easy to step into the frame and be blinded by Dad’s BS - he’ll hold himself out to be some kind of perfect parent but I can bet in reality the only reason he bothers is because the step mum is the driving force and so they are just busy playing out her expectations of his parenting. I fell into this trap myself OP. As time as gone on I realise my DH was just a bit apathetic and lazy, in reality he was happy for someone else to do the graft. But she clearly hasn’t seen that yet. So let her live her perfect lie!

SO224350 · 29/05/2022 17:08

If you're in such a great job with above average salary and only have your kids 50% of the time, why are you in a run down rental?

maddy68 · 29/05/2022 17:09

Why are you jealous of them?

They have 50/50 childcare you are not doing more than them

Why are you telling your children to fuck off?

Just say now you do not need or want any communication with them. Your children are old enough to make their arrangements

myammus · 29/05/2022 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hmm
Sarahcoggles · 29/05/2022 17:15

I believe Benefits Britain was a TV programme that showed people who really did fit the negative stereotype. That's what OP is referring to - those people. She's not talking about everyone on benefits.

Pegasaurus · 29/05/2022 17:15

They have 50/50 care, they're literally doing equal work?

Now but from what OP says this hasn't always been the case, with the ex -p only stepping up in recent years. The hard work , when the kids were young, was done by OP

Jott · 29/05/2022 17:15

I read it as the 16yr old lashed out and told OP to fuck off but if the OP did that back then it would be used against her - basically "it's alright for you, you can swear and lash out but I can't".

Don't engage with the wife, just tell her that if ex-DH has a parenting issue then he is welcome to contact you and arrange a mutually convenient time to discuss it.

TwinklingFairyLights · 29/05/2022 17:19

I'd be asking them to put their money where their mouth is - help you with a deposit to buy a place. Your kids deserve a nice home and it'll all be going to them as inheritance anyway.

You think the OP's ex's new wife should buy OP a house? 🤣🤣🤣

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 17:27

Pegasaurus · 29/05/2022 17:15

They have 50/50 care, they're literally doing equal work?

Now but from what OP says this hasn't always been the case, with the ex -p only stepping up in recent years. The hard work , when the kids were young, was done by OP

Did she though? Because she was at work from 5am and he didn't work.

It's irrelevant now though, they're doing half, she can't really ask for anything else unless the children move in full time with them?

Beelezebub · 29/05/2022 17:28

So….. he was a shit husband and father. But he’s now involved, cares, does 50/50, has a wife who is caring and engaged. He’s set up a successful business with his wife. From your description he seems to have sorted himself out.

You’ve said you lose your temper, lash out, and tell your teenager to ‘fuck off’ in retaliation to how they behave.

But you’re complaining about them expressing concerns about your behaviour?

itwasntmetho · 29/05/2022 17:33

She can ask for something else, she can ask for them to leave her alone to parent her children her own way.
I wouldn't leave my child with a headache either, I would give paracetamol as she did. I wouldn't expect a co parent to be asking a child about their diet at their mums, that's looking for reasons to disapprove. I've lost count of the threads on here about mothers upset that their child is fed badly by the other parent and she is told that it's not up to her what happens on the other parents time, that it's none of her business.

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 29/05/2022 17:33

My ex did this.

We didn’t have 50/50, we had EOW weekend for a while (2 years), until him and his new wife got married and decided that it was too much having ds there as well as her 3 children, from them on it was a few times a year.

Ds is 20 now and he still doesn’t let up.

I Ignore it now, obviously.

But according to them, I am the worlds worst parent. I’m not at all. But hey, it seems to have brought them 13 years of great joy thinking that abs winding each other up.

Oh, and I was “benefit scum” for a long while, even when working as I needed top up housing benefit. They LOVED that.

Some people are just arseholes.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/05/2022 17:34

You can just block her OP, there is no reason for you to have contact with her. It sounds like your kids are now old enough you don't really need to have contact with your ex either?

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2022 17:35

Pegasaurus · 29/05/2022 16:40

I think I'd just message back something along the lines of 'if I need your input on my parenting I'll ask for it' and repeat every single time, then just ignore.

Don't get drawn into an argument and try not to give them some headspace. Unfortunately, the parent who does the brunt of the hard work often seems to be taken for granted.

This.

They aren't worth engaging with. Just "grey rock" it. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If they insist on criticising send the kids (16year old at any rate) round with his/her bags and tell them to get on with it. I can promise you that the veneer will crack once they have to stop being the Disney parents and do it for real., all day every day.

More importantly - why is your ex getting away with not paying a penny towards their keep when you are struggling and they are so successful? Of course you get irritable and snappy - you have all the work, all the worry and all the struggles with awkward teens. You must be exhausted.

Get some financial support - you are entitled to it. It is your right and will make your life and your children's lives so much better

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 17:36

itwasntmetho · 29/05/2022 17:33

She can ask for something else, she can ask for them to leave her alone to parent her children her own way.
I wouldn't leave my child with a headache either, I would give paracetamol as she did. I wouldn't expect a co parent to be asking a child about their diet at their mums, that's looking for reasons to disapprove. I've lost count of the threads on here about mothers upset that their child is fed badly by the other parent and she is told that it's not up to her what happens on the other parents time, that it's none of her business.

Yes, hence I said just ignore it. You can't force them to stop talking but you can just delete messages.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 17:36

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2022 17:35

This.

They aren't worth engaging with. Just "grey rock" it. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If they insist on criticising send the kids (16year old at any rate) round with his/her bags and tell them to get on with it. I can promise you that the veneer will crack once they have to stop being the Disney parents and do it for real., all day every day.

More importantly - why is your ex getting away with not paying a penny towards their keep when you are struggling and they are so successful? Of course you get irritable and snappy - you have all the work, all the worry and all the struggles with awkward teens. You must be exhausted.

Get some financial support - you are entitled to it. It is your right and will make your life and your children's lives so much better

You're not entitled to financial support when you have 50/50 care.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 17:37

@Emotionalsupportviper did you miss they have the kids half the time? In what world is that Disney parenting?

Infinitemoon · 29/05/2022 17:39

Grey rock, grey rock, then grey rock some more. It's the only thing that works. Expect escalation in the short term as they won't want to give up their punch bag. Comfort yourself with knowing that much of their bond as a couple is likely based on sneering at and criticising you.

This x 1000

stairgates · 29/05/2022 17:45

I would suggest the 16 year old move in permanently with them now and you can spend your resources on the younger 2 children.

Pikafuckingwho · 29/05/2022 17:47

OP I know what you mean, I was one parent, 3 children. They were 2 adults, 3 children.

I felt completely over run and it didn’t help that passive aggressive messages were being passed about my parenting, but he did have them every other weekend and I was getting up at half five to go to work and constantly juggling childcare etc and he would just swoop on in and make comments to me about not having boundaries. I did have boundaries I was fucking exhausted.

AnAfternoonWalk · 29/05/2022 17:54

You’re frustrated and I can understand why.

Here’s my advice. No more saying f you to your children or to them, no crass language. No more lashing out. Keep your cool. Behave impeccably no matter what they say or do. By that I mean imagine how someone like Audrey Hepburn (insert whoever you admire) would act. Be above them. Either ignore or change subject, be polite but not a doormat.

Soon but at a good time, calmly explain to your children that you want to get along with their father and his wife but they are not entitled to lecture you on any subject when you are the one who birthed and loved and cared for your children their entire lives. Don’t go on and on, but just a little explanation to give your perspective as their mother. This way, the ex and wife will have a much harder time turning your children against you. If you don’t explain, they will think whatever they’ve been told about you. That you’re a bad mother, you can’t be trusted with them, they are “concerned” etc.

Enjoy your time with your children, don’t let them become your enemies.

Frustrate the ex and his wife’s malicious efforts to sideline and attack you.

ErmineAndPearls · 29/05/2022 17:54

“Benefits Britain: Life on the Dole” was a 2014 docu-series. I think it was on channel 5. For the sake of being eye catching, it did feature some benefits claimants who matched a negative stereotype. It was an unfortunate comment, OP - it set your thread off on the wrong direction!