Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

So exhausted with ex and his wife “managing me”

179 replies

LissyBooks · 29/05/2022 16:16

Divorced 10 years when children were very small (3 DC). Ex DH was useless, never bothered unless it was the ‘fun’ stuff, didn’t get up at night or in the mornings, was unemployed for two years whilst I go up to work at 5am.

We divorced and ex met his now wife. He started his own business and the pair of them are very successful financially. Beautiful house, 3 holidays a year, no children of their own. My life is the absolute opposite, I live in a run down rental, work all the hours I can and I’m single.

We share the children 50/50 - no maintenance paid.

Over the years ex has morphed into a “perfect parent” along with his wife. Whereas every decision I make is critiqued and criticised by them. Nothing I ever do is good enough. It’s almost like they see themselves as the saviours of the children from me. They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

I am certainly not a perfect parent, I do shout, I do lose my temper but I am by no means some benefits Britain mum who needs to be told how to raise my kids. I work in a senior job with above average wage, my children are
healthy, happy, good school attendance and well rounded kids.

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

Theyve never had to cope on their own with 3 children. They have money, a cleaner, extended family and resources and they are looking down their noses at me constantly and judging the way I breathe

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone!

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 29/05/2022 20:40

Onlyaprawninwhitby · 29/05/2022 20:25

You lost me when you wrote that you told your 16 year old to fuck off!

She didn’t, re read it

TyrannosaurusRegina · 29/05/2022 20:40

🙄 so many people deliberately misunderstanding what the OP means; there is a difference between regular people claiming benefits and the wasters on shows like Benefit Britain. She means she's not like half the wastes of space shown on these shows and doesn't need her parenting managed.

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2022 20:41

email back with

Thank you for taking the time to type these words on paper, I shall read and digest.

regards

Obviously don't say that it'll be the year 2099 by the time you get round to it and have a glass of wine every time they send one of these meals and reply with the same email every single time....

roll your eyes and thank your lucky stars you don't have to visit or live with the fucker any more

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

CruCru · 29/05/2022 20:43

I remember a friend who went for a job interview where the interviewer got her to explain something and then purposely misunderstood everything she said. This thread reminds me a bit of that.

Moonshine5 · 29/05/2022 20:44

LondonWolf · 29/05/2022 16:45

🙄 I am on benefits. I didn't find your post offensive.

Grey rock, grey rock, then grey rock some more. It's the only thing that works. Expect escalation in the short term as they won't want to give up their punch bag. Comfort yourself with knowing that much of their bond as a couple is likely based on sneering at and criticising you.

OP ^ 100% this!
These are your children. Your children. Grey rock all the way.
You are, and have done your best.
He and she can be the "perfect parents" during their 50% parenting, you do you.
You are good enough. Remind yourself of that. He was not a parent when he was with you.
The step parent literally had no jurisdiction on you, her input is via your ex.
He is an ex for good reason.
Good luck. And well done. 3 kids, a lone parent, you are clearly more than enough.

CruCru · 29/05/2022 20:46

Moonshine5 · 29/05/2022 20:44

OP ^ 100% this!
These are your children. Your children. Grey rock all the way.
You are, and have done your best.
He and she can be the "perfect parents" during their 50% parenting, you do you.
You are good enough. Remind yourself of that. He was not a parent when he was with you.
The step parent literally had no jurisdiction on you, her input is via your ex.
He is an ex for good reason.
Good luck. And well done. 3 kids, a lone parent, you are clearly more than enough.

I agree.

curlymom · 29/05/2022 20:49

I am sorry about the situation op. I don’t know what to advise. As long as you do best by your children your ex can do whatever. If they’re so perfect how come no kids? No that willing to commit?
so many judgey comments on the thread. Give the woman a break!

PlantSpider · 29/05/2022 20:51

whynotwhatknot · 29/05/2022 19:55

I wish people could read round here

But then they wouldn’t be able to kick someone when they were down based on any perceived fault.

Prometheus · 29/05/2022 20:52

I think the people getting offended by the benefits references are missing the cultural reference of a TV show in the 2000s called Benefits Britain that showed lots of very dubious parenting by a group of people handpicked to show the worst of the British benefits class. I assumed this is what OP is referencing rather than a comment on people on benefits.

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2022 20:55

They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

in all honesty you could write this

Whilst I appreciate that you lead a very different life style from the one you lived previously, I'd appreciate that you stop analysing every part of my parenting the children and instead concentrate on your own lives and time with them. I give you the privilege of not over analysing everything you do with the children and even if its not the way I would do things, I do not openly critique your behaviour and ways even if I disagree. Your behaviour could be construed as harassment with internet to undermine and it's not healthy for the children or myself.

Hopefully moving forward you can keep your thoughts well and truly to yourself and not sure them with the children or myself. The hopefully you'll be able not partake in positive conversations with the children about their mother, this is important for the bridge between two homes and making the children feel that although the two homes are run differently that neither is wrong. Being positive about the other parent to the children is a very important role that will make them much more secure.

I look forward to moving forward from this constant negative critique, hopefully I will be able to put it behind me and the children will benefit from a more favourable outlook when in your home.

stick that in an email and let them stew on it for a bit

if they come back with anything negative - say oh no not all this negative parent bashing again.....

ThreeLocusts · 29/05/2022 20:56

OP I hear you. Haven't been in your situation, but have observed my dad making a big to-do about being the perfect parent with his second wife, having been a complete waste of space with my mum. The smugness was hard to bear.

Sorry about the judginess on here. As for how to deal with it, another vote for grey rock - and maybe handing over the 16 yo.

PlantSpider · 29/05/2022 20:58

They sound like a nightmare. I think I’d just say that if XH has any parenting related discussions then to contact you directly. Just grey rock with her.

PlantSpider · 29/05/2022 21:00

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2022 20:55

They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

in all honesty you could write this

Whilst I appreciate that you lead a very different life style from the one you lived previously, I'd appreciate that you stop analysing every part of my parenting the children and instead concentrate on your own lives and time with them. I give you the privilege of not over analysing everything you do with the children and even if its not the way I would do things, I do not openly critique your behaviour and ways even if I disagree. Your behaviour could be construed as harassment with internet to undermine and it's not healthy for the children or myself.

Hopefully moving forward you can keep your thoughts well and truly to yourself and not sure them with the children or myself. The hopefully you'll be able not partake in positive conversations with the children about their mother, this is important for the bridge between two homes and making the children feel that although the two homes are run differently that neither is wrong. Being positive about the other parent to the children is a very important role that will make them much more secure.

I look forward to moving forward from this constant negative critique, hopefully I will be able to put it behind me and the children will benefit from a more favourable outlook when in your home.

stick that in an email and let them stew on it for a bit

if they come back with anything negative - say oh no not all this negative parent bashing again.....

while I’d usually usually go short and sweet I actually think this is perfect. Putting them in their place with a positive spin and a reminder of healthy co-parenting 😆

Eeebleeb · 29/05/2022 21:02

OP isn't clear but I'm 90% sure it's her ex and his wife she wants to tell to fuck off not her kid.

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 21:03

Getting a solicitor to send a version of Ivykaty44's letter would be good.

If you email it, and they instantly respond, and they you cannot resisting to their response to your response the message gets lost. One letter from a solicitor starting off saying no more advice please as it could be construed as harassment and then go on to say that you give them the privilege of not judging them and so on, as ivykaty says. It's very good and so true.

Could be 200 pounds very well spent.

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2022 21:09

if it was me id just email a what I wrote without typos, and then stonewall - you've then made your point and if they don't listen or ignore thats there choice and you have tried to make a bridge for the sake of the children, tried to look at how to parent together without the undermining step mother business - so stone walling would then be totally appropriate

axolotlfloof · 29/05/2022 21:17

I wouldn't be encouraging my 16 y o to return to a parent that told them to fuck off.

ivykaty44 · 29/05/2022 21:20

@axolotlfloof id be encouraging you to read the thread and what the op wrote, please

Dajeeling · 29/05/2022 21:27

Agreed with the solicitor’s letter- please do this, they sound insufferable.

And please ignore the people latching onto one thing from your original post- there is a mentality from some (who are clearly bored) of taking offense at nothing on here lately and totally detailing threads whenever they can. It’s putting me off the site generally to be honest. It’s obvious what you meant- that you aren’t some waynetta slob type caricature but feel they treat you as such.

Isaidnoalready · 29/05/2022 21:31

It's so fucking perfect for them isn't it kids are potty trained and old enough to be easier (kind of) and there they are two people trying to put the boot in my eyes would be rolling right out of my head at these people

Yellowhase · 29/05/2022 21:42

I think I would be pointing out there is one of you and two adults in their house.
Life can be stressful but what goes in in your house is your business and they do not need to be involved. If they don’t like it then maybe no contact is the solution and you will only communicate with them when absolutely necessary.
Also step mum does not need to be involved as they are not her children you can just communicate with their dad.

echt · 29/05/2022 21:45

I've read and re-read what the OP wrote about the "fuck off" and it's by no means clear who was being addressed. It would help if the OP would clarify.

Meanwhile, the OP could address the ex and say only he may communicate in future. This will, of course mean he'll be signing off on what she writes. Hmm

Diverseopinions · 29/05/2022 21:47

I would try to keep your cool. It may not seem like it now, but the situation could turn round and get better.

Keep the moral high ground, and try not to shout at kids, but I think this could be symptomatic of the way in which your ex husband admires your parenting ( even grudgingly) and occasionally tells people how committed you are. Honestly, based on experience, I think the new partner might be trying to make lots of suggestions to show that she is committed to the hard task of childrearing; she can think about things deeply and work hard at issues and be as worthy of respect and admiration on a human level, as you are. She might be maybe a little jealous or insecure because he has praised the job you do with the kids. I'm projecting a lot from what I have experienced, so apologies for this, and I think I'm right, and I wouldn't be surprised If it was the same for you.

I got ridiculous advice about the activities my son could have managed alone, which would have been very unsafe because of the way he is affected by his autism and the propensity for him to experience behaviours which challenge other people. Time has served to highlight that I do know what I'm doing - not surprisingly, as I've always been guided by the advice of CAMHS etc. Just to say that if they have a kid together, things could all improve when they have their own 'baby project' and scope to fulfill their own ideas.

RaspberryParfait · 29/05/2022 21:51

I’d seriously be telling them that if they are that concerned about returning DC, they should have them full time as obviously you are struggling according to them.

i should imagine they’d be begging you to have them back before any claim for child maintenance has gone through.

tabulahrasa · 29/05/2022 21:56

50/50 shared parenting does not mean no child maintenance... it’s based on income.

One parent is always the resident parent and one is the non resident no matter how equally time is split and if the non resident parent has a high enough income, there’d still be child maintenance due.

Swipe left for the next trending thread