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So exhausted with ex and his wife “managing me”

179 replies

LissyBooks · 29/05/2022 16:16

Divorced 10 years when children were very small (3 DC). Ex DH was useless, never bothered unless it was the ‘fun’ stuff, didn’t get up at night or in the mornings, was unemployed for two years whilst I go up to work at 5am.

We divorced and ex met his now wife. He started his own business and the pair of them are very successful financially. Beautiful house, 3 holidays a year, no children of their own. My life is the absolute opposite, I live in a run down rental, work all the hours I can and I’m single.

We share the children 50/50 - no maintenance paid.

Over the years ex has morphed into a “perfect parent” along with his wife. Whereas every decision I make is critiqued and criticised by them. Nothing I ever do is good enough. It’s almost like they see themselves as the saviours of the children from me. They complain I shout, they complain I’m not home enough, they advise me on parenting strategies, books to read, food to eat. I was criticised for giving paracetamol for a headache instead of giving it time to go away on its own (they are both health/gym obsessed).

I am certainly not a perfect parent, I do shout, I do lose my temper but I am by no means some benefits Britain mum who needs to be told how to raise my kids. I work in a senior job with above average wage, my children are
healthy, happy, good school attendance and well rounded kids.

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old (because I won’t be shouted at or disrespected in my own home). But any lashing out or “fuck off” from me is taken as proof of my awfulness

Theyve never had to cope on their own with 3 children. They have money, a cleaner, extended family and resources and they are looking down their noses at me constantly and judging the way I breathe

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone!

OP posts:
Philisophigal · 29/05/2022 17:56

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Luredbyapomegranate · 29/05/2022 17:58

Blimey people are being a bit harsh, you’d have to be a saint not to be a pissed off with the metamorphosis of the OP’s ex.

The benefits mum comment was wrong, but I think it’s a reflection of how the OP feels she is being judged not a reflection of how she’d see mums who are on benefits.

So, I do understand why you are angry OP but somehow you need to shift your focus onto driving your own life forward.

Look up grey rock technique as a PP said. Look up some techniques for not loosing your rag (too often). Don’t tell them to fuck off because I get the impression they are a bit bored and they see you as a project. The paracetamol comment does indicate they are loopers, so do just develop some stock phrases for them. Any serious communications, eg emails about being concerned about returning the kids should come from your ex not his wife, so I’d write a short response brushing it off, and pointy out that he should call you if he wants to discuss.

Ohwowhoho · 29/05/2022 18:21

I’m confused by your post. Did your 16 year old tell you to fuck off or did you tell her too? If it was you then surely you can understand their concerns? Could 16 year old move in with them permanently?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Rosscameasdoody · 29/05/2022 18:26

darlingdodo · 29/05/2022 17:01

I read it that op meant the fuck off was to ex, not the 16 year old.

Yep, me too. And I think the benefits Britain mum was a referral to the fact that they tend to seek out the worst of the worst on that programme - admittedly to support the narrative. I don’t think it was meant as a slur to all benefit recipients.

TabithaTittlemouse · 29/05/2022 18:27

Just smile sweetly and ignore.

mumda · 29/05/2022 18:28

Perhaps benefits mum might be someone who doesn't go out to work and has all day dealing with children and home.
A stay at home mum but benefits providing the income rather than a partner.

Onwards22 · 29/05/2022 18:32

I think I’d call their bluff and say if they can do a better job they can have the children most of the time and you have them EOW as DH didn’t pull his weight when they were younger.

Then you can become the Disney mum and do all of the fun stuff.

Have you spoke to your 16 year old and asked her who she wants to live with?

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 18:33

I knew what u meant with the benefits comment. My x used that to shame, even though i had no freedom to work, and no maintenance.... but he thought it was my shame i was in receipt of benefits. Nope.

Situation sounds a nightmare. Do you ever respond to their lecturing essays. It must feel so oppressive when there are two of them seeing everything you do through a negative lens.

Id be tempted ro get a solicitor to write saying that ten years of their judgement has been enough and it must cease now.

Eeebleeb · 29/05/2022 18:39

She's just talking about a stereotype from a stupid TV show not real people. Probably a stereotype she thinks her ex and his wife have not even necessarily her. Perhaps time to stop yelling at her about this now.

Op I would just get a stock phrase like "that's my business' or "parent on your own time" and just say the same thing every time they start. They sound unbearable tbh.

Eeebleeb · 29/05/2022 18:41

oh and you shouldn't communicate with his wife about the kids, or not respond to essays anyway. Just to ex where necessary.

CruCru · 29/05/2022 18:44

How old are your younger children? Is it possible to grey rock them until they’re all 18? Someone upthread said that the 16 year old can live with them all the time if they want - doesn’t this mean the OP will have to pay child support to them? Chances are that she can’t afford it unless she moves to somewhere a bit smaller.

It sounds bloody awful. The thing is, having a useless partner is totally exhausting. From the way your OP is written, it sounds as though you are still catching up from it. This couple are passive aggressively making your life as difficult as they can. Presumably they wanted 50:50 custody so they don’t have to pay you child support.

C152 · 29/05/2022 18:48

diddl · 29/05/2022 16:57

That's how I understood it-also that Op "lashes out".

I didn't read it that way at all. To me it's the OP saying she wants to tell the ex and his wife to fuck off every time they give her unasked for, patronising 'advice'.

OP they sound insufferable and it must be particularly galling to have been the one to have given up everything to support yourself and your children while your ex couldn't be bothered until another woman came along to prop him up.

You just can't argue with stupid, so don't waste your breath or your headspace on them. Tell them a politely but firmly you do not need their advice and do not wish to hear it again, then ignore them (unless it's specifics about dropping off/collecting kids etc). I know that's easier said than done but, unfortunately, that's the only solution.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 18:50

CruCru · 29/05/2022 18:44

How old are your younger children? Is it possible to grey rock them until they’re all 18? Someone upthread said that the 16 year old can live with them all the time if they want - doesn’t this mean the OP will have to pay child support to them? Chances are that she can’t afford it unless she moves to somewhere a bit smaller.

It sounds bloody awful. The thing is, having a useless partner is totally exhausting. From the way your OP is written, it sounds as though you are still catching up from it. This couple are passive aggressively making your life as difficult as they can. Presumably they wanted 50:50 custody so they don’t have to pay you child support.

Why is that always the assumption? That it's for the money?

And. Yet you've said if they have the 16yo full time op will have to pay maintenance às a reason not to do it.

When it comes to dad's they only ever want kids to reduce maintenance (even though apparently kids cost £££££ more than maintenance so how are they actually benefitting by doing it?) But mum couldn't possibly have less time and pay god forbid.

Overthewine · 29/05/2022 18:58

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

winterchills · 29/05/2022 18:59

I couldn't be doing with that, I would definitely be telling them both to fuck off!

Overthewine · 29/05/2022 18:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 19:01

winterchills · 29/05/2022 18:59

I couldn't be doing with that, I would definitely be telling them both to fuck off!

Would you though? Or would you frequently think it but behave like an adult for the sake of your kids?

Abra1d1 · 29/05/2022 19:04

Benefits Britain parents (TV) are not the same as parents on benefits. Some posters haven’t understood this:

I would completely ignore that message, OP.

Cherrysoup · 29/05/2022 19:06

Why do you have each other’s numbers? Your ex is the parent, not her, I would block her and ask your 16 year old to phone when he wants picking up. At his age, he can organise his own contact. Obviously much younger dc will need to be organised, but why is she telling you stuff? How does she think your children have coped so far?!

Threetulips · 29/05/2022 19:08

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old

Is it wonderful a woman with no child rearing experience gets to stick her nose in your business.

Seriously tell her to mind her beak -

Then again I be quite sarcastic and text ‘Thank you sooo much for your input, have you thought of being a family counselor? I understand they listen to both sides of the story before making judgement - and as you won’t be hearing mine, I suggest you spend your time poking your unwanted nose in someone else’s business’

HikingforScenery · 29/05/2022 19:11

I don’t think OP swore at her child. She said, if she swore at the ex and his partner, they’d take that as further evidence of her awfulness

Isaidnoalready · 29/05/2022 19:11

It's only 14% of your wages you would have to pay them to keep the children full time can you afford to call there bluff? You could start your own side hussle work and better your circumstances if your children are at challenging ages they won't last long

CruCru · 29/05/2022 19:14

I don’t think the OP comes across as a bad parent at all. Most of being a good parent is just turning up and doing the boring, necessary stuff. It doesn’t mean that you mustn’t ever get annoyed with the children or fall out with them.

The ex now does the boring, necessary crap but didn’t for years.

Miscfeminista · 29/05/2022 19:17

By reading this and responses separating sounds like effing nightmare. I don't know if it's worse living with a person like OP describes or having to share custody with them. Just a heads up for us who want to separate

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 19:21

Threetulips · 29/05/2022 19:08

Ive just received an essay from the stepmum that they are “concerned” about returning the children on Monday because I had an argument with the 16 year old

Is it wonderful a woman with no child rearing experience gets to stick her nose in your business.

Seriously tell her to mind her beak -

Then again I be quite sarcastic and text ‘Thank you sooo much for your input, have you thought of being a family counselor? I understand they listen to both sides of the story before making judgement - and as you won’t be hearing mine, I suggest you spend your time poking your unwanted nose in someone else’s business’

ha ha that's a good response.