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Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 06/04/2022 08:15

I do this to all my adult DC (both sexes) for any long journey.

I don't chase up if they don't check in, but its always good to know they're safely back.

DPs and PILs like it too

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 06/04/2022 08:15

My mother is like that. I've realised I'm going the same way when DH asked one of the children if they had been abducted by aliens on their five minute trip to the postbox.

I've decided its easier to say I'll send a message when I can, point out the issues with international roaming (I honestly told her it would cost £6 for a text message, but I'll contact her when I had wifi) and then not think about it.

Bizarrely she likes going on cruises with my father and happily goes for days without calling me then..

Lazypuppy · 06/04/2022 08:15

I always text my mum to say landed safely etc, i'm in my 30s, not sure what the issue is?

Soontobe60 · 06/04/2022 08:15

You are your mother’s child. Always will be, despite being a grown woman. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t just send her a quick message to let her know you’ve arrived safely especially knowing that she’s going to be anxious until she gets that message. It seems somewhat cruel to not do so.

Choice4567 · 06/04/2022 08:16

I make my parents message me to say they’ve arrived safely whenever they travel!

YellowMonday · 06/04/2022 08:17

Is it a huge effort to send a quick text? I always drop a text to my dad when I travel internationally once I've checked into a hotel. When travelling solo, it doesn't hurt to have back up security, and if it makes my dad more comfortable knowing I'm safe I spend the 60 seconds sending a text.

ASimpleLobsterHat · 06/04/2022 08:18

My mother does it to me and my brother. It doesn’t bother me. It’s 2 mins max to send a text and it makes her feel better. But then I have a good relationship with my mum, if you don’t I can see why you’d find it a little annoying.

namechangeanonymous · 06/04/2022 08:18

My mum also asks to know I've got to work safely when it's really bad snow, even though I'm in my 30s doesn't stop her being my mum.

Justcallmebebes · 06/04/2022 08:18

Well she's your mother and she clearly loves you and speaking as the mother of a 30 odd year old daughter, you never stop worrying. Is it really too much trouble to simply send a text or have a 2 min phone conversation just to say you've arrived and all is well?

Surprisingly, mothers also worry about their adult sons too!

suckingonchillidogs · 06/04/2022 08:18

At least she gives a shit

Sluj · 06/04/2022 08:18

She loves you

Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:19

The point is I've lived in 2 foreign countries. I flew around and travelled loads - back than she never used to ask for these kinds of updates. So why now?

Now maybe my feelings are linked to the fact she tries to be too involved in my life in general and I'm reaching a critical mass of being annoyed about it all.

At the same time - I've made it safe my whole life everywhere I've went. I'm an adult. Why should I need to check in with my mother about where I'm going aged 30?

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/04/2022 08:21

Just send the poor woman a text, 2 seconds of your life to put her mind at rest. Jeez Confused

Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:21

Isn't it safer to travel by plane than other modes of transport? It seems a bit mad that so many of us do this. I'd never ask her in the reverse - it would more be send me nice pics at some point on the trip.

OP posts:
constantindigestion · 06/04/2022 08:21

Currently 43yrs old and still message my parents to tell them we've arrived safely. Lived overseas in two countries for the past 8 years. It stops her worrying. She just wants to know you're safe that's all.

NewName9273 · 06/04/2022 08:21

I thought everyone did this.

Everyone in my family WhatsApp would send a simple arrived/ landed/ checked in message.

Grenlei · 06/04/2022 08:22

My dad used to ask me to do this, I never got it at the time but now I have children of my own I do. I have sons, and ask them to let me know they're ok/ have arrived safely. It's a parent thing, irrespective of your child's gender.

ServantofthePeople · 06/04/2022 08:22

I hear you,

It depends whether she’s being controlling - mine is

GeneLovesJezebel · 06/04/2022 08:22

Is it really going to hurt you to send one text a day ?

Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:23

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor problem is she has some kind of undiagnosed anxiety.

Once years ago my dad forgot to tell her know we had got somewhere safe and she phoned the police! It makes me feel like I'm feeding her anxiety.

OP posts:
Obelisk · 06/04/2022 08:23

Tricky one. I don’t text my mum probably because I’m a bit older and when I started travelling on my own calling her would have been hugely expensive and impractical, so we just never developed that habit.

If you really resent it, by all means stop but do tell her first- don’t just let her worry. You might say that you think it’s creating extra worry for you both- you know she’ll be worrying until she gets the call and so that makes you feel worried in turn- and actually the solution might be for you both just to assume everything is fine unless you’re told otherwise.

OchreDandelion · 06/04/2022 08:23

I always message my mum and she lives thousands of miles away so wouldn't even know I had left home if I didn't tell her. I also send her accommodation details.

For us, it started when something serious happened to my uncle and it took some time to track down my dad (on a work trip abroad) to let him know. Now we all tell each other just in case.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:24

@ServantofthePeople

I hear you,

It depends whether she’s being controlling - mine is

Yes she has a controlling nature although she has good points as well. I've spent years asserting and reasserting boundaries.
OP posts:
EsmeeMerlin · 06/04/2022 08:24

Of all the things to criticize your mum for, you criticize her for asking to know you are safe. The mind boggles sometimes. I am the same age as you and still text my nan when I get home after visiting and I up to recently lived 20 mins away. Never once thought of it as an issue. Lots of parents want a text when their child is travelling regardless of the age of their child.

ServantofthePeople · 06/04/2022 08:24

And yes it is a bizarre question. As if a plane crash wouldn’t be on the news!
Even my controlling mother confines herself to checking the plane has landed online!