Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

[Lucia23]

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

When my (young adult) kids are travelling I much prefer an "I've arrived" text then the not knowing.

It can seem ridiculous to them (they know they are safe) but they don't yet know all the anxieties that go with parenthood no matter what age the offspring.

A quick text that costs you literally nothing but gives your parents peace of mind and is invaluable? It's a no brainer!

DD22 still lives at home and I always say "let me know when you get there safely" when she leaves, whether it's a 30 mins drive to her BF or a trip away for work. And she will send me a quick message on arrival. I don't think it's controlling? I do exactly the same to her when travelling.

I wish my DM was still here for me to message her...

Aww she sounds like a caring mum tbh. I am totally like this with my adult sons.

And my youngest son, tells us off (DH&I) off if we are later home than he expects and didn’t think to text! 😂. Funny how life goes full circle!

When you are a mum you understand why these things are important.

I’m 32 and I do this to everyone! We live quite far away and when anyone visits us I always ask them to let me know they got home safely and I always let my friends/family know that we got home safely. I just thought it was the done thing!

It’s a thing born of modern technology. I’m in my 50s and generally we all seem to have to check in with everyone nowadays. I get it in a way but when I was in my 20s, and teens, I’d bugger off on holiday and no one would hear from me until my return, usually before the postcard I’d sent. I try to imagine this with my own kids and we have gotten so used to easy and continual contact. I was 17 when I went on my first holiday to Spain with my pal for a fortnight. I never called home. The thought of my 17 year old son doing similar would make me very anxious but I would try to overcome it.

My Mum, in her 90s never bothered (or at least it didn’t show) and I’d be left home alone from the age of 15. She does seem to worry far more about me now than she ever did before. But I can understand where you’re coming from OP

@roseopose

I get it OP. My mum is highly anxious and will heavily discourage anything I want to do that might cause her anxiety. I've spent my entire life trying not to 'worry mum ' and feel horribly guilty if I do anything that I know she'll worry about which is usually normal things like going on holiday. I hate 'having ' to text her when I arrive because I know she'll be worrying if I don't do it PDQ after landing, so I feel stressed and guilty until I've done it. I get its a normal thing in many families but its a huge trigger for me that reminds me of how she tries to control me to soothe her anxiety.

This.

It was never a text but always a 20-30 min phone call were once again Id' be told off for the travel told it was an awful journey barated because they expected me to ring sooner even it was the very first thing I was doing.

I do wonder if some of it was learnt behavior as most childhood hoipdays first thing we had to do rain or shine was find a call box and call family to say we got there alright.

I've pushed back - been vauge about travel plans waiting to call . Last few holidays it was phoning from the beach next day and it was a better call for everyone. I think it's helped my parents as well - it doesn't feed the fear.

I do have children and do want to know they are okay but I am very aware of not behaving like this and I do accept text/what app updates and not just to me to DH or siblings and not staright away.

It's clearly not a little thing to OP - so I'd suggest less information on travel plans to start with and then try and make it longer before text or call is expected.

Same here. Told her I would come and see her yesterday and would arrive late afternoon or early evening. Call at 4, all angry, wanting to know where I was and allegedly worried that I had had an accident, or that “something had happened.” She doesn’t do texts, so a call to say I’ve arrived safely can take half an hour as we have to go through everything that happened on the journey, was anyone home when I got in. It’s really wearing.

When my parents went on holiday I asked them to let me know when they got there safe and when they got home safe. They’re in their 50s and live in a different country to me I thought most families did this?

I'm 51, and I message my mum when I get home from her house - I live 20 mins away! Same with my best friend, she's 7 mins away. In our family, kids, mum, sisters, cousins, etc, we message when we've reached our destination, because what does it cost to drop a quick text to let people know you're ok?

"Overall my quality of life is better back in the UK but my mental health did improve when I gained some distance from her. Being a single mother, she never let go properly when I flew the nest. I find her getting clingier and I resent it more and more.

We do ok on the basis of me putting up with it and responding to everything to ease her anxieties but I'm feeling like I might explode about it lately."

It's not about an arrivals text. The Op has provided a fuller sketch of the underlying problems. The Op finds the relationship claustrophobic.

We let DS and DD know when we've got home from visiting them. They're 22 and 20.
They do the same for us.
I don't fret - but it's nice to know.

Outside of travelling- if I've not heard anything from them in about a week I'll send a quick 'have you been eaten by wolves' text. But I don't expect a massive response - just a 'nope still alive' 😁

I'm 60 and still let my parents know when I am home safely. Ditto other relations and friends I have been staying with it spent a day with.

@Lucia23 I think you are better off starting a thread in relationships about how to assert your boundaries. Lots of knowledgeable people there.

@Iwannerbeyourslave I think its really good you recognise this in yourself. My mum refuses to admit theres anything abnormal about how she behaves which is really frustrating and hurtful. Another thing with the travelling is that her anxietying about it makes me then see danger that I hadn't before and I start thinking maybe I will die in a plane crash/get kidnapped. My mum will also want the address of where I'm staying, the phone number, the phone number of whoever I'm going with.. its totally smothering. I do always text her but have managed to wean her off having every single detail of my trip.

I do see this behaviour is irritating you because on a wider level you find your mum controlling. This is a little different I suppose. Personally I find a ‘pick your battles’ mindset is useful when you have a tricky relationship with someone, so little things like this it may be wise to just let it go but draw your boundaries and be very firm with them when it comes to bigger issues.

I don't see what the issue is? My mum asks me to just send a message letting her know I've arrived safety, she will also ask my brothers. I know a lot of other peoples who parents do the same.

Why would something that takes 30 seconds bother you and why wouldn't you just do it knowing it would give her piece of mind. What’s so bad your mum asking how the trip is going?

You are overreacting and making a big deal from such a small request.

Anxiety is an illness and I am trying hard to get better so my daughter never feels how you clearly feel now.

I strongly think one of my parents should have been on medication but they never did anything about it - so well done - but other parent after decades with first is now worse than them.

TBH in many areas I just have to refuse to entertain the fears. I'd also noticed it wasn't consistent across us kids - the more consideration given not to worry worse the burden placed on that child and their children.

The woman gave birth to you and brought you up.

Send her a text when you get there FFS

@suckingonchillidogs

At least she gives a shit

This!!!! YABU... she's your mum and is a quick text really too much to ask?! I think it's normal to want to know someone's ok?! That said, this was something I didn't truly understand until having kids!

I'm in my 40s and DH and I have travelled a fair bit for our jobs. I always text DH and DM when I've arrived (and give them copies of my itinerary). We send an "I'm home" message when we've been visiting each other. Now DC have finished Uni and are able to travel themselves we'll all be Phineas Fogging 🎈

I send a quick message just so she isn't worried.

Also because I listen to true crime podcasts, I always think it's no harm to leave a record of my whereabouts with as many people as possible

I'm another one who resented this when younger but is more understanding now my kids are approaching secondary school age and getting their first tastes of freedom.
An alternative is to give your mum your flight details and then she can follow you on one of the flight tracking apps

So all those who think is is unreasonable not to message to alleviate someone's anxiety (and be aware that the anxious are never reassured for long, need more at frequent intervals, and will never get over the anxiety if it is not faced), would you be happy with the next step of wearing a tracking device so you could be constantly monitored? OP should be thankful her DM has not heard of trackers or she would probably want her to have one.
This forced contact is not about love. It is about anxiety. Providing the reassurance is actually saying that the anxiety is justified. It isn't. If anything happened to OP the police or a hospital would get in touch.
I love my adult DCs. They have never had to check in with me when travelling. I know I would be informed if anything had happened. Me 'worrying' about them until I receive a message does not actually prevent anything bad from happening. Because I'm not that powerful. (Allegedly).

I think it’s a perfectly normal thing to ask!

I’m 54yo @Lucia23 and I still let my parents know I’ve arrived safely. Even if I’m with DH and/or dcs.

It’s only a quick text. I’m not sure where the issue is.

However what you are alluding to is different and needs to be handled differently. You are not here to alleviate her anxieties. You might need for example to stop telling her as much as you do (just like you did when you were abroad etc…).
But keep what is, for me at least, a bare minimum, like letting her know you’ve arrived safely (one text - easy)

I have a similar position. Very anxious mum, only child etc…