Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
Routinepristine · 06/04/2022 09:28

Nothing wrong with this. A quick text or email every so often . She cares about you and there is alot of badness in the world.(Alot of goodness as well too). It's called love.

Wheelz46 · 06/04/2022 09:29

Just send your poor mum a quick text to let her know you are safe, life is too short for regrets!

Your mum cares, show her the same compassion.

ssd · 06/04/2022 09:30

This was one of the things that broke my heart after my mum died. The first time we went away on holiday i realised there was no one to check into, no one cared whether we'd arrived safely or not. There was just no one on earth who cared except my mum and she was gone.

@Lucia23, I'm not saying be grateful , I'm just saying take it for what it is.

PurpleDrain · 06/04/2022 09:30

I agree with you op it’s draining having to constantly remember to do this.
Parents seem happy to pass their anxieties onto their offspring far too easily.
Just ask her to leave you be and you’ll get in touch when you choose to.

Chloemol · 06/04/2022 09:31

It’s a two second job to send her a text. Stop being difficult

TheBoots · 06/04/2022 09:31

I always message my mum and husband to say when I've landed safely. And they message me the same!! Your Mum might well have other faults but on this I think it's entirely normal behaviour.

ShaneTwane · 06/04/2022 09:32

@Bluetrews25

So all those who think is is unreasonable not to message to alleviate someone's anxiety (and be aware that the anxious are never reassured for long, need more at frequent intervals, and will never get over the anxiety if it is not faced), would you be happy with the next step of wearing a tracking device so you could be constantly monitored? OP should be thankful her DM has not heard of trackers or she would probably want her to have one. This forced contact is not about love. It is about anxiety. Providing the reassurance is actually saying that the anxiety is justified. It isn't. If anything happened to OP the police or a hospital would get in touch. I love my adult DCs. They have never had to check in with me when travelling. I know I would be informed if anything had happened. Me 'worrying' about them until I receive a message does not actually prevent anything bad from happening. Because I'm not that powerful. (Allegedly).
This is utter nonsense especially as even the authorities advise people to let other people know where they are going and what time they are expected to be there is travelling solo. No one is saying op should be in constant contact or wear a bloody tracking device. One simple I have arrived safely text and then mute her mother's number until she is back is sufficient. Taking one second out of your day to be courteous and respectful is not a hardship no matter how much hand wringing goes on on here.
TheNameOfTheRoses · 06/04/2022 09:32

You are going a bit far @Bluetrews25. A tracking device?!? Nowhere did the OP say anything that’s guest her mum would want something like that.
The OP has lived abroad. Not knowing what’s going in etc… hasn’t alleviated her mum anxiety so it’s not an issue of needing ‘to be trained to it’.

And tbh letting people ‘you’ve arrived safely’ is one of the things most people do when they travel, esp alone. Incl on nights out.

ChaToilLeam · 06/04/2022 09:32

I’m 51 and my mum still gets worried if I don’t text her to let her know I have arrived where I’m going or back from where I’ve been. I travel a lot for work and live in another country so she has plenty to worry about, she reckons. She is a bit controlling. I don’t mind sending a quick one liner, but if I forget then my phone blows up with messages or calls, and then she starts on DP, and then with friends - so that’s a bit OTT.

GalactatingGoddess · 06/04/2022 09:32

Unless there is a toxic/abusive backstory here, I think it's unkind not to put your mothers mind at ease. Especially if all she requires is a text every so often letting her know all is well.

Regardless if you think it is sexist, unfortunately the world is a much more dangerous place for lone women so it is realistic thinking on her part.

Your children are always your children. I imagine you don't automatically stop worrying when they turn 18

ThePlantsitter · 06/04/2022 09:35

Great post @Bluetrews25

lobsterz · 06/04/2022 09:38

It is really weird that so many people do this in relation to plane journeys in particular. Not to be too blunt and grim - if the plane doesn't arrive safe you are going to hear about it within the hour on BBC breaking news. If this was really about risk it would make more sense to ask for a check-in every time OP goes for a walk that might involve crossing roads. I am with you OP, no need to play along with this, particularly if it's part of a wider pattern of being overbearing/overly involved. Better to nip irrational, annoying behaviour in the bud than to let it simmer

Dacquoise · 06/04/2022 09:39

I think this is a mother thing and shows she cares. My DD still lives at home and I ask her to text and let me know she got there okay when she goes away. She does the same for me. However I had parents who didn't give a shit about my safety or any interest in me other than gossip fodder so I suppose it's my way of showing interest. My DD interprets it as an amusing quirk as she's now an adult.

Your interpretation seems to be it's a control manoeuvre, which is fine. Depends on your own experiences with your mother. . If it really bothers you tell her you won't be responding and let her deal with her anxieties. It may even train her to be less nervous.

Calennig · 06/04/2022 09:42

This forced contact is not about love. It is about anxiety. Providing the reassurance is actually saying that the anxiety is justified. It isn't. If anything happened to OP the police or a hospital would get in touch.

I think a lot of MN doesn't understand this mostly because it's outside their experinces and in a few cases because they do suffer from anxiety and think it's all fine or even nice behavior.

The escalation to tracking seems extreme but I've met parents of teens who serioulsy suggested/considered it.

I certainly experienced the subtle mission creep with calls - making sure you go straight to destination to phone rather than pick up some food do other things tasks on way back - then get told your not going out again. Behavior that would raise red flags in a partner you find you start finding normal with family.

QuebecBagnet · 06/04/2022 09:42

I don’t consider myself an anxious person but I worry about dd when she’s on trips. She doesn’t text or even respond to the odd message from me which I accept. But at times I’m worried sick. Dd messaged me last week when on holiday to say she was in hospital and could I send money and then ignored my messages for 13 hours!! Just send your mum a message

HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 09:43

This drives me potty. It makes me feel beholden. I drive 3-4 hours to see family, on dug up motorways and across London. There can be terrible hold ups. I know they will be waiting up for ‘the call’. Sometimes I stop at a service station and call, telling them I am home.

There is no logic to it.

Has your flight arrived safely? Well if you haven’t seen EasyJet to Alicante on the news, presumably so. Driving? I drive all over the place, including sometimes a short motorway stretch for a walk or NT day out, but they only want ‘the call’ when I drive home from them.

I am all for keeping in touch, regular contact, but not being in thrall to irrational anxiety.

doitwithlove · 06/04/2022 09:45

Put yourself in your mums shoes. She cares about you. It will take very little time to say I'm here.

Maybe have a change of heart and do it !!!

Lovebroccoli · 06/04/2022 09:45

She wants to know that you've arrived safely at your destination. It only takes a quick text. Why would you want her to worry about you?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 09:46

@QuebecBagnet

I don’t consider myself an anxious person but I worry about dd when she’s on trips. She doesn’t text or even respond to the odd message from me which I accept. But at times I’m worried sick. Dd messaged me last week when on holiday to say she was in hospital and could I send money and then ignored my messages for 13 hours!! Just send your mum a message
Did you speak to her before sending money? Because this is a well known scam.

And if not a scam is of course a reason to worry. Totally different to ‘I have once again navigated the M4 without incident’

I hope she is OK.

TooMuchPaper · 06/04/2022 09:47

Do both of you have WhatsApp with 'last seen' active? When mine are away a quick look at that lets me know they are alive!

thecurtainsofdestiny · 06/04/2022 09:47

My mum wants this! My brother's solution was to tell her he wouldn't be in touch when travelling as there might be times he couldn't be, and she'd therefore get anxious at those times.

I've travelled a lot too and have said that I'll be in touch when I can, but not committed to do so on arrival as it's not always possible.

QuebecBagnet · 06/04/2022 09:48

@HomeHomeInTheRange she only wanted £10 for the car park. So I risked it. 😁

pointythings · 06/04/2022 09:49

A bit surprised by how many people think this is an OK thing to demand. Sure, if you do it voluntarily that's fine - but it isn't an obligation once your kids are adults. I don't do it with mine and they're much younger than OP.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 06/04/2022 09:55

I'm super I dependent but is it really that hard to send a quick text?!
At least you have someone who is so concerned about you

HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 09:55

Why would something that takes 30 seconds bother you and why wouldn't you just do it knowing it would give her piece of mind

Because the worry cascades. If there is a perfectly innocent hold up where you can’t communicate (driving / needing phone on airplane mode / dropped phone down airport toilet) you are fretting and anxious because you know they are fretting and anxious waiting for the text. Worry and anxiety are contagious. And it’s so illogical. More women are attacked / raped / murdered taking the dog for a walk than meeting a catastrophe on a Tui flight for a holiday.