Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
Ilostit · 06/04/2022 08:25

We as a family always let both sides of the family know we’ve arrived safely. We don’t see it as a bind it’s reassuring for family members that haven’t gone away with you.

StrangeCondition · 06/04/2022 08:25

Jeez, it's hardly a massive chore to send one text when you arrive. I still text my mum to let her know I've arrived when I drive different places to work

StrangeCondition · 06/04/2022 08:25

And I'm 48

Datada · 06/04/2022 08:26

I understand OP, you shouldn't have to check in with mother, when you go away. That's the point of being away? Have you read the travel writer Dervla Murphy? She said nowadays people are expected to call Mum daily at sunset. Murphy cycled solo from Waterford to India in the 60s. That was an adventure!

RonSwansonsChair · 06/04/2022 08:27

We message the whole family WhatsApp, something like Arrived safely, Weather fab 🌞
😊

LunaLoveFood · 06/04/2022 08:27

I live with dh and children and I still text dm to let her know we've arrived safely when travelling (even in this country) both me and ds do. But dm also sends us a message when she is travelling so it works all ways.

WeDontTalkAboutBrunoNoNoNo · 06/04/2022 08:27

Does it really inconvenience you to take 30 seconds to alleviate her anxiety? What a strange thing to be so annoyed by.

Parents are not perfect beings. Even if people have great relationships with their parents, there will always be things about them that annoy us. Personally, I'd gain some perspective and let it go. I say this as someone who's mother expects me to text her when I get home after Sunday dinner at her house. She lives a 7 minute drive away!

MintyMoocow · 06/04/2022 08:27

A text is hardly taxing is it?

ServantofthePeople · 06/04/2022 08:27

“Yes she has a controlling nature although she has good points as well. I've spent years asserting and reasserting boundaries.”

I understand. It’s part of something bigger. You’ll need to think about how to break this to her but you’re entitled to.

Kurtanforpm · 06/04/2022 08:28

I ask my 19 year old son to check in to make sure he’s got somewhere safely. Even if it’s just an emoji (I get sent some odd ones Grin).

I hope he continues for many years. I still see him the same as my 20 month old though. So my big, strapping 19 year old with a professional job still feels like I’ve let a little toddler wander off on their own.

mycatisannoying · 06/04/2022 08:28

YABU and I suspect your issue with her runs deeper than just this.

AntarcticTern · 06/04/2022 08:28

I agree with you OP that this is unnecessary. However if she really just wants a quick text I would roll my eyes and do it.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 06/04/2022 08:28

I'm a daughter and the mother of an adult son.

My mother has always expected a call or text to let her know I was gone safely after visiting her ("three rings" in the old days...) or when travelling. Over the years she became more and more demanding, getting angry with me if I didn't call immediately when she expected me to, or didn't answer my mobile when she thought I should (when driving ffs) and accidentally blocking me on her mobile so she couldn't receive my call anyway. I began to lie to her about how long my journey would take to give myself leeway.

Latterly I have managed to knock the whole thing on the head. I do sometimes call to actually tell her something, or send her photos, but I can't be doing with the tyranny.

I adore my DS and I worry about him all the time. I check he's been on FB messenger and WhatsApp to be sure he or DDIL are alive and messaging Hmm. But I will not visit my own anxiety on him.

underneaththeash · 06/04/2022 08:28

My mum used to do this and did my best friend. However, I have a terrible memory for things I don't consider important and always forgot. They stopped asking!

Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:29

@Datada

I understand OP, you shouldn't have to check in with mother, when you go away. That's the point of being away? Have you read the travel writer Dervla Murphy? She said nowadays people are expected to call Mum daily at sunset. Murphy cycled solo from Waterford to India in the 60s. That was an adventure!
Yes, she also starts messaging the next day asking how the trip is going. I'm putting my foot down this year and saying I won't be in touch apart from maybe a photo here and there as I'm catching up with friends. It's suffocating.

No but I enjoy travel writing and am a published travel writer myself (I'm not famous Grin). I will look her up!

OP posts:
RebeccaCloud9 · 06/04/2022 08:29

When you have your own children, you genuinely do get a new understanding of all the things your parents do/did like the need to know that you're safe, and the situations that go through their minds when they haven't heard from you.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 06/04/2022 08:29

If only more people had this problem!

latetothefisting · 06/04/2022 08:30

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Just send the poor woman a text, 2 seconds of your life to put her mind at rest. Jeez Confused
This. My parents ask me to tell them I've got home safely when I leave their house to drive to mine 40 mins away, let alone when I go on holiday!

I mean rationally it's a bit silly as I travel much further distances than that for work and they'd have no idea when/where I was going or how long the journey would take. Similarly they obviously know I go out in the evenings with friends etc and wouldn't have a clue about that, so I don't think of it as overbearing, just a nice thing to do that costs literally nothing!

StillRock81 · 06/04/2022 08:31

Maybe the travels when you were younger were less of a worry for her but after everything that's happened over the last couple of years we have all re evaluated a bit as to what is really important in life? It would take micro seconds to text 'arrived safely, love you' but mean the world to her, presumably.

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2022 08:32

A text saying Arrived! doesn't seem like a hill to die on.
So I'd assume you are choosing this issue to be pissed off about rather than tackle something else.

clpsmum · 06/04/2022 08:33

Life is too short to be offended by your mother caring about you ffs

Northernlurker · 06/04/2022 08:34

Oh ffs! You acknowledge she has anxiety and yet you don't want to do a two second thing that will help her and not in any way harm you. Saying you are safe doesn't give her control.

roseopose · 06/04/2022 08:34

I get it OP. My mum is highly anxious and will heavily discourage anything I want to do that might cause her anxiety. I've spent my entire life trying not to 'worry mum ' and feel horribly guilty if I do anything that I know she'll worry about which is usually normal things like going on holiday. I hate 'having ' to text her when I arrive because I know she'll be worrying if I don't do it PDQ after landing, so I feel stressed and guilty until I've done it. I get its a normal thing in many families but its a huge trigger for me that reminds me of how she tries to control me to soothe her anxiety.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/04/2022 08:36

It's what parents do. Doesn't matter what sex or age their child is. DP's parents do it for their children, his mother found it hard when dementia meant that she didn't need to do it for her mother anymore.

It's not a very nice world knowing that nobody gives a shit about you and if you were to disappear, whether by choice or by forced, that nobody would notice or care.

You are fortunate. Now try being if not compassionate, practical, and text her that you've arrived safely. Quicker than posting to rant on here.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 06/04/2022 08:36

@roseopose

I get it OP. My mum is highly anxious and will heavily discourage anything I want to do that might cause her anxiety. I've spent my entire life trying not to 'worry mum ' and feel horribly guilty if I do anything that I know she'll worry about which is usually normal things like going on holiday. I hate 'having ' to text her when I arrive because I know she'll be worrying if I don't do it PDQ after landing, so I feel stressed and guilty until I've done it. I get its a normal thing in many families but its a huge trigger for me that reminds me of how she tries to control me to soothe her anxiety.
This.
Swipe left for the next trending thread