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Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 06/04/2022 08:51

Don’t you think it’s a nice thing that there’s someone in the world who cares?

99point6 · 06/04/2022 08:52

It is tedious and annoying. Just because a text arrives that says OK doesn't mean you are OK. Your kidnappers could have told you to send it. That would fuel her anxiety!
A plane crash would make the news. Baggage delays, low battery on phone, missed connections would not.

BIWI · 06/04/2022 08:53

If you know it makes her anxious, yet you choose not to do it, then you are being cruel to her.

One short text to say 'arrived' or 'landed' wouldn't hurt you.

However, then you make it clear that further texting/calls/emails aren't going to happen till you're home.

katscamel · 06/04/2022 08:53

I'm in my 40s and live overseas.... in fact I've lived overseas on and off since my 20s, during that time I've also travelled extensively and will still send a text to say I've arrived safely.
But then in my friends group we also do the same...a quick text to say we've got home OK.

Spottybluepyjamas · 06/04/2022 08:54

I always do it - and I always ask my parents to do it when they go travelling! It's just nice to let people who love you know that they don't have to worry

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/04/2022 08:54

@Soontobe60

You are your mother’s child. Always will be, despite being a grown woman. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t just send her a quick message to let her know you’ve arrived safely especially knowing that she’s going to be anxious until she gets that message. It seems somewhat cruel to not do so.
This. I ask my children (in their 20's. 30's and 40's) to let me know when they have arrived safely. I sleep better knowing they are where they are supposed to be. Would you rather be one of those independent people who die in their apartments and no one notices for four years? Be glad you have someone who cares and try to develop a little spark of caring yourself.
axolotlfloof · 06/04/2022 08:55

@Icequeen01

I am 60 and always text my 82 year old mother to say I have arrived safely. One day if you have your own children you might re-read this post and feel very differently.
I have children and don't feel this way, and will try very hard to not visity anxieties on my children.
NippyWoowoo · 06/04/2022 08:55

@Lucia23

The point is I've lived in 2 foreign countries. I flew around and travelled loads - back than she never used to ask for these kinds of updates. So why now?

Now maybe my feelings are linked to the fact she tries to be too involved in my life in general and I'm reaching a critical mass of being annoyed about it all.

At the same time - I've made it safe my whole life everywhere I've went. I'm an adult. Why should I need to check in with my mother about where I'm going aged 30?

Oh come on. A holiday isn't the same as living somewhere else. We don't have a group of people or network that would know to check on us if something went wrong. We also behave differently on holiday and do things that we may not usually do at home, we tend to explore more and be adventurous, and are probably out every night.

Also every country is different in terms of norms and laws and how women are regarded and treated. If I was travelling solo I'd want someone to know where I was and that I was ok. Maybe I've listened to too many true crime podcasts.

I also don't know the relationship between you and your mother. If she is overbearing I understand it feeling more like having to tell her everything. You can always have a friend that you check in with instead, but if you're travelling solo (sorry if you've mentioned this but I've missed it) please just have someone that you check in with, it doesn't have to be her.

worriedatthistime · 06/04/2022 08:56

I take it you don't have kids ?
If any of us go on long journeys se send a text to say we arrived etc it takes 2 mins
Maybe age has made her worry more who knows but really is it that big of deal
Also many of us make it safe somewhere until we don't
Its not like you need to call just quick text , arrived

ImAvingOops · 06/04/2022 08:58

It's not a big ask that you communicate with your mum. Even sending her a text every day or answering a phone call isn't that big of a deal. It makes her happy and even if it irritates you a bit it's not a huge imposition on your life. She's your mum. Show her some love!

cantbecoping · 06/04/2022 08:58

Text the woman! Takes 2 seconds and be bloody grateful she cares enough about you to want to be informed that you are safe. That is nothing got to do with control, it's common courtesy to let her know. You are her child, she worries and if a 2 second text saying "arrived" helps her sleep at night, so be it.

Pitafalafel · 06/04/2022 08:58

I think the majority of parents would still appreciate a text from their adult children on landing. At least the ones who generally give a shit.

borntobequiet · 06/04/2022 08:58

My (adult) children ask me to do this for them when I travel. I’m happy that they care.

twinsetandpearl · 06/04/2022 08:59

To be honest OP you sound a bit bratish

And it's abundantly clear you don't have children of your own

One day you'll come across this thread and cringe

Dillidilly · 06/04/2022 08:59

Call me old fashioned, but I thought the advice when travelling alone was to let someone know you arrived, ongoing travel, etc??

DoubleTweenQueen · 06/04/2022 08:59

I think this is quite a normal request. My teen children want me to let them know I arrived safely if I go anywhere, and vice-versa. Same if me or DH go away for a few days somewhere.
If we visit a friend or relative we always message when we get home (within 48hrs at least) to let them know we got back fine and to thank them for the visit.
If my lovely family visit from Aus, they always let us know when they arrive back home safely.
I just thought it was a normal courtesy.

If you find it intrusive or controlling if your mother, then talk to her about it? Try and see her anxiety from her point of view, and find a way to ween her off it gently? Put in new looser expectations? A postcard while you're away or something, rather than an immediate message or call?

SpringIntoChaos · 06/04/2022 09:00

OP...you are being very unreasonable and actually insensitive to another person's feelings here...can you REALLY not see this?

Do you have children of your own? Because...here's the thing...they don't stop being your child, simply because they grow up 🤷‍♀️

I'm 58, I've lived and worked overseas for the best part of 20 years...have two adult children of my own, and grandchildren.

I STILL text my mum when I'm 'safely there' 💗 This is all about love...nothing more. Accept the love of your mum OP...and show the same in return. Stop being a dick!

ShaneTwane · 06/04/2022 09:00

That's so nasty of you not to let her know you are safe. Bloody hell if my child or parent or sibling or aunt went away I would ask them to let me know they arrived safely even if it's a short journey. When my dm visits me on the train I always ask if she's gotten home safely and it's only a 30 minute ride.

Chilledchablis1 · 06/04/2022 09:02

She is your mother ! Give her a break . And a quick text . My DC are all adults and they still send a quick message when they arrive someplace as they know I get anxious . I also text them when I arrive at my destination.
Is it really such a big deal ??

hiredandsqueak · 06/04/2022 09:02

I don't think it's a lot to ask tbh, one text saying landed safely. My dc do it and I text them if it's me travelling. It's no great imposition on anyone's time.

Icequeen01 · 06/04/2022 09:02

@axolotlfloof As you will see from this post I think you are very much in the minority. I think you are confusing anxiety with caring. Two very different things.

ThePlantsitter · 06/04/2022 09:03

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I find it really irritating that people assume other family relationships are exactly like their own. You have to presume that the OP has reasons that a text to say where she is make her feel controlled. Then she is totally within her rights not to do it.

Chilledchablis1 · 06/04/2022 09:04

You might feel differently when you have DC !

Iwannerbeyourslave · 06/04/2022 09:04

I'm a single parent, I suffer from anxiety. I worry that my anxiety is affecting my daughter and that I can be too controlling. I spend a lot of time checking myself and stepping back (however uncomfortable) so as to let my daughter feel some freedom. It is agonising and I don't want to feel like this. I have just started some medication and the effect has been startling - my daughter has commented on how much more "chilled" I am lately. Anxiety is an illness and I am trying hard to get better so my daughter never feels how you clearly feel now. Reading your posts is really hard and my worst nightmare - that she will feel like you do, about me. I feel for both you and your mother. No advice really, just an understanding of how you both must be feeling.

FlowerArranger · 06/04/2022 09:05

I'm naturally in contact with my adult children several times a week via WhatsApp. We chat about what we're up to, usually without too much detail, and send photos. When one of us is travelling, contact tends to intensify because there's more stuff to share.

I couldn't imagine not hearing from them at least once a week.