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Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
blackberriesaretheonlyfruit · 07/04/2022 08:51

My DM is mid 70s and I make her call text me that all is OK if she's travelling or out late.

user1471538283 · 07/04/2022 09:05

I lived in cities on my own but if I was travelling home from my DF he would always ask me to ring him and let him know. Even after I became a mother. I always thought it was sweet. I'm the same with my DS.

You are her child. She cannot help worrying.

Dishh · 07/04/2022 09:31

@Lucia23

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

No matter how experienced you believe you are, unfortunately men are far safer when they travel than women. They face far less intrinsic danger; don't experience faith-based misogyny, exclusion and hatred; they can go out freely at night; and they can travel alone, where in some countries women need at least one other person and/or a male chaperone. It is understandable why a parent would wish to know if their daughter was safe when travelling abroad, don't you think?

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2022 09:41

NippyWoowoo

You sort of do when the question is regarding a parent wanting to be told their child has arrived somewhere safely.

No, you don't.“

Ok. It won’t be an informed view.

holidaytime321 · 07/04/2022 09:58

I don't understand why it is difficult to reassure someone who cares about you that you are safe. If you think there is another motive for wanting to know that's a different issue.

I still let my mum know when I arrive safely in my 40's and she also lets me know when she is travelling. And I would also ask the same of my DC, both daughter and son. Sometimes it isn't controlling or sexist, just a result of someone caring about you.

BlackAndPinkNose · 07/04/2022 10:06

52 and still message to say I've arrived after a long journey. My parents love and care for me and worry if they haven't heard. Why would I want them to worry when a simple text can reassure them?

I

Calennig · 07/04/2022 10:07

I was surprised to learn so many people do this - I think if shows people are mostly caring but also very superstitious to be honest.

I thought it normal and it was more a boiled frog situation - slowly getting worse and weaponised anxiety is a good term for it in my case.

Howver it clearly wasn't normal in DH family and when I did the normal to me ring when you get back thing it didn't go down well and provoked a lot of questions. MIL now does want to know but she's subtle she rings many hours after we expected back and tell us she enjoyed seeing is - she'll do it both ways if it's us to her traveling if we don't remember and there no loaded judgement along with the call - it feels a non issue with her and part of a normal interaction.

crossstitchingnana · 07/04/2022 10:47

I get it OP. I mean if the worst ever happened she would know about it.

ServantofthePeople · 07/04/2022 11:23

good point about superstition being a big part of this hence the obsession being with flights. That's a "neutral" point shared by functional and dysfunctional/controlling worriers.

The OP may be a lot safer since her relationship ended....statistically that's far more likely than the reverse.

Zerrin13 · 07/04/2022 16:00

My son is 18 and going to Portugal on his first lads holiday in July. I would love to check into a hotel in the same resort so I'm there if anything goes wrong but I know he would never forgive me if I did!

Whattodoniw · 07/04/2022 18:40

I know you tagged me earlier . And thank you for your reply.

I just find it quite cruel to be honest.

I understand you may have had a difficult childhood and I am sad for you in that respect , but surely you can appreciate that if your mum is mentally unwell, it appears you choose to ' punish ' her by way of her asking you to stay in touch by refusing to.

She cares. She really does. And whatever issues she has , she is still your mother and you really are very lucky in that respect.

ServantofthePeople · 07/04/2022 18:47

lol Zerrin13.

they should set up special secret hotels for this purpose.

I would totally do that but I'd never force him to keep contacting me whilst away - a bit like you I guess.

ImInStealthMode · 07/04/2022 18:48

My Mum used to be like this, except it'd be what time I was going to the airport, what time's the flight, have you checked in, are you through security, are you delayed, text me when you land, text me when you get to the hotel etc. Not such an issue for a holiday, but on work trips when I'd be working in the departure airport and working the second I land, a royal pain in the arse.

It's got easier now she's learned how to check flights online (and watch the whole flight on flight radar, on occasion Hmm), and I just don't tell her if I'm flying for work anymore.

Same as the OP I'm an only child of a single parent. Same as a PP, she doesn't update me when she travels!

hupfpferd · 07/04/2022 18:52

I felt a bit like this in my 20s and 30s. Now in my late 40s I feel privileged that someone gives a shit!

Flittingaboutagain · 07/04/2022 18:55

My baby will always be my baby to me. A quick text isn't much to ask. However, I'm not a controlling person so I appreciate it may be different in different families.

WTF475878237NC · 07/04/2022 18:57

very superstitious to be honest

^ you sound quite ignorant of the statistics around crime against women and girls.

Rattysparklebum · 07/04/2022 19:26

In the days before mobile phones my MIL used to call the hotel we were staying at for a chat to find out what the hotel was like, when we arrived home once the answerphone was jammed where she had called about 30 times to see if we were home yet, we had to stop telling her where or when we were going anywhere.

I don’t see it as caring, it is about control, wanting to know and be involved in every detail of our lives and it is suffocating. We have reduced contact and it is a bit sad that we can’t share things with her but this is because she has no boundaries.

DidgeDoolittle · 07/04/2022 19:30

I follow my sons flights on Flight Radar. It drives them mad. I don't care, I worry about them. They're all in their 30s.

WarmSausageTea · 07/04/2022 19:31

My DM doesn’t pressure me to do this, but I know she’d worry if I didn’t - even though I’m a 50-something man - so I always ping a message or call at the end of a journey. (I also call just before after boarding, in case the plane falls out of the sky, but I don’t mention that possibility to her.)

Whattodoniw · 07/04/2022 19:33

@Rattysparklebum

In the days before mobile phones my MIL used to call the hotel we were staying at for a chat to find out what the hotel was like, when we arrived home once the answerphone was jammed where she had called about 30 times to see if we were home yet, we had to stop telling her where or when we were going anywhere.

I don’t see it as caring, it is about control, wanting to know and be involved in every detail of our lives and it is suffocating. We have reduced contact and it is a bit sad that we can’t share things with her but this is because she has no boundaries.

Real deep and debilitating Anxiety is fucking hideous.

It's not really ultimately about ' control' ... what op's Mum is doing is classic ' safety behaviours' which people
with anxiety that is severe often do.

I should know.

It's mental health and it's utterly shit.

Adm1010 · 07/04/2022 19:34

My sons ( young adults ) check in and let me know they are ok as they know I worry .

My mum still checks in on me and asks me if I’m ok and safe etc , I’m 48 .

sophienelisse · 07/04/2022 19:45

I'm sorry op but I'm going to say it.

Until you have kids you don't realise the worry about your kids.

I am now a mother. When I think of the times I put my mum through worrying about where I was I feel ashamed.

You are her only child. You are her most precious thing in her life.

Just text her let her know your safe, have landed whatever.

Peboh · 07/04/2022 19:55

I will always drop my mum a message to let her know I've gotten someone safe if I've travelled a long distance. She's my mum, I don't know why I wouldn't. I'm sure she worries either way, that's just what mums do, but I wouldn't want her sat at home worrying about me when I can alleviate that with a quick 2 second text.

ServantofthePeople · 07/04/2022 22:47

Whattodoniw am interested in “safety behaviours” what are they please?

navydear · 07/04/2022 22:54

I actually thought this was a wind up untill I read some replies and nobody thought for a second how rude and selfish the op is...quite bizzare really that you can't see it fro your mums point of view, she clearly loves you and worried about you. Really, there is no pleasing some people

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