Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:36

@Notonthestairs

A text saying Arrived! doesn't seem like a hill to die on. So I'd assume you are choosing this issue to be pissed off about rather than tackle something else.
When it comes down to it I suppose I miss the freedom I had when living abroad.

Overall my quality of life is better back in the UK but my mental health did improve when I gained some distance from her. Being a single mother, she never let go properly when I flew the nest. I find her getting clingier and I resent it more and more.

We do ok on the basis of me putting up with it and responding to everything to ease her anxieties but I'm feeling like I might explode about it lately.

OP posts:
Mif4 · 06/04/2022 08:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Selma22 · 06/04/2022 08:37

5 second text to relieve anxiety of someone who loves you...not a brainer.If you didn't have anyone who cared to know you have arrived safe thats a valid reason to moan

DefiniteTortoise · 06/04/2022 08:38

If OPs mum never used to be bothered and now suddenly is, it's a bit hard to swallow the 'Oh but she CARES' excuse. Did she not care before? Why does she care now? It raises more questions than it answers.

Phos · 06/04/2022 08:38

Is it really such a big deal? To let someone know you’ve arrived safely?

Also the attempt to bring in sexism is completely laughable. Get over yourself.

SpringRainbow · 06/04/2022 08:39

My parents still worry about us, I always message them just to reassure them that I am fine. It seems like a perfectly normal thing to do.

I think the pandemic has bought out a lot of peoples anxieties, especially since a lot of people have realised just how quickly everything can change/ be taken away.

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2022 08:39

@Datada

I understand OP, you shouldn't have to check in with mother, when you go away. That's the point of being away? Have you read the travel writer Dervla Murphy? She said nowadays people are expected to call Mum daily at sunset. Murphy cycled solo from Waterford to India in the 60s. That was an adventure!
This just seems like a swipe at young people and their parents. I very much doubt that ALL travellers phone home daily and the ones that do might do it for their own reasons/comfort.

Mobile phones and zoom and IT generally have changed all sorts of aspects of travel. It doesn't have to be viewed in the negative.

Lalliella · 06/04/2022 08:40

Why is this even an issue? It takes less than a minute to send a text. Sounds like your mum is getting more anxious as she gets older, I certainly am with the menopause. Just humour her.

AlannaOfTrebond · 06/04/2022 08:40

I can see how you find it frustrating.

I lived abroad for most of my 20's too and so for me texting when I arrive somewhere would feel like I was sending a message to say I'd made it to work after my daily commute.

I also get the overly involved controlling parent bit, it makes you want to keep your distance and end up resenting the demands.

littleburn · 06/04/2022 08:40

I think wanting a text to say you've arrived safely is well within the boundaries of normal and fine in a 'normal' relationship. However it sounds like this is part of a bigger issue about control and anxiety on your mum's part. I have similar issues with my dad and his anxiety, so I've asserted boundaries that are within the range of normal. So I'll text to say I've arrived at the hotel, for example, but that I won't be phoning or answering my phone on a daily basis.

LightSpeeds · 06/04/2022 08:41

Your reaction borders on cruel. Whatever your mum's issues, many people worry about their children and it is a pretty common and normal thing to let your nearest and dearest know you're safe when you're travelling.

For the sake of a few seconds sending your mum a quick text, you'd rather let her stress and worry and get in a state for God knows how long.

There are clearly issues in your relationship but don't punish her by not letting her know you're safe.

When/if you have children you will have a different perspective on this situation.

stripeyflowers · 06/04/2022 08:42

Be thankful you have someone in your life who cares about enough to worry about your well being and safety. Many people don't have this privilege.

tkwal · 06/04/2022 08:43

She loves you. She worries because of all these horror stories that appear on the news about people going missing when travelling. Is it really too much to ask to spend a couple of minutes to let her know you have arrived safely ? She's not doubting your capability and she's not trying to stop you from travelling She just needs to know you're safe and well

Noisyprat · 06/04/2022 08:44

I hear you too OP. People never use to do this because they couldn't until telephones were in every home. Now with mobiles the worlds gone mad, people updating all the time. I'm convinced mental health issues are directly linked to this need to know what people are doing and where they are all the time!

I used to travel a lot for my job and it didn't cross my mind to keep my parents up to date with this, what next access to calendars!?!

I do sometimes call my parents when back from a holiday but have made sure it's not expected. For context my own DD is away at the moment, I purposely discussed this with her as I didn't want her to feel pressure to update me all the time. I also decided I would worry less if I hadn't heard from her because there is no expectation of contact , just as and when she wants. Interestingly I've heard from her a lot more than I thought.

AnnaSW1 · 06/04/2022 08:44

This is one of the reasons why I just don't tell my mum when I'm leaving the country.

AngelinaFibres · 06/04/2022 08:44

@NewName9273

I thought everyone did this.

Everyone in my family WhatsApp would send a simple arrived/ landed/ checked in message.

We do the same. If mum goes to any of us for lunch she will text to say she is home safe and thank you for lunch. I am going to New York in October. I will text my family when I arrive and send pictures during the trip. My sons are 29 and 27. If they go on a trip they will do the same. When you have children you will understand Op. If your child texts to say they have safely arrived you , as the parent, can get on with your own life. If you don't do that thing , that takes 2 seconds, your mum will have you in her head all day. Are you okay, are you busy or has something happened. Just do it and then carry on. She's your mum.
DisforDarkChocolate · 06/04/2022 08:44

I think this depends on your parent. There's a big difference between a loving relationship and one where there are issues with control or parental anxiety which imposes on your life.

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2022 08:45

Your update gives a lot more context. My mum grew up in a similar environment. It is hard.

Putting the arrival text to one side think about what boundaries make you feel better and explore how you want your relationship to look like. And then acknowledge that you'll have to weather any criticism and emotional blackmail. It's a bit of a cost benefits analysis.

Therapy would help but I'm sure you know that already!

GameofPhones · 06/04/2022 08:45

You're lucky that it's only a text demanded from you. In the days before mobiles, my sister wanted a 'returned safely' phone call when I got back from visiting her. I dreaded these, as it would be another long one-side conversation with her full of angry prejudices and Daily Mail gripes.

H1Drangea · 06/04/2022 08:46

I think it’s normal behaviour , my DD went travelling , she let me know her flight numbers so I could see she’d landed safely , and she’s on find my friends on my phone ( she’s mid 20s )
Same with DS , he’s a couple of years older , hasn’t been travelling and has been with his partner a long time , I will know their flight number when they go away in the summer ( fingers crossed ) and he’s on find my friends
I follow DD ( and my sons GF ) on Instagram ( but I’m not allowed to comment ! ) so I can see the odd photo
I don’t have anxiety , I’m not controlling , concerned is a better word
I just want to know they’re safe
They do the same to me , and I’m quite happy to oblige with flight details or train times

axolotlfloof · 06/04/2022 08:48

I find this oppressive too OP.
I think it is unfair of people to put their own anxiety on to you.
Where is the line you draw?
My Dad would happily call me every hour when I am on holiday.
I like holidays to be a break.

I have teenagers and obviously it is my responsibility to keep them safe, but it is not their responsibility to constantly reassure me.

AnastasiaRomanov · 06/04/2022 08:49

Perfectly normal I would say. Is it such an inconvenience for you?

SteakExpectations · 06/04/2022 08:49

My mum always likes me to let her know I’ve arrived safely when I go on holiday or for a trip, even in the UK. I don’t think she has any concerns bout my capability of travelling, it just puts her mind at rest so that she doesn’t worry about me while I’m away if she knows I got there OK.

ThePlantsitter · 06/04/2022 08:49

If you don't want to or you mind doing it, don't. All these posters saying how much effort is a quick text, well it's a lot of effort when it makes you feel like you're on a retractable lead.

Also it's not assuaging anxiety it's feeding it by indicating it's a reasonable expectation when it's not - if the person minds doing it! Completely different if you don't mind or it's not building on some family dysfunction.

Icequeen01 · 06/04/2022 08:50

I am 60 and always text my 82 year old mother to say I have arrived safely. One day if you have your own children you might re-read this post and feel very differently.