Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

[Lucia23]

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

Wow. When I read the op I totally expected most of the replies to agree that her mum was being completely ott. But it turns out nearly everyone is doing this!
I would never expect my mum to text me when she's arrived somewhere on holiday and I wouldn't let her know either. I'm in my forties with two kids of my own, why would I still need to keep my mum updated with this stuff?

If the issue is your mum's anxiety and need for control, you are right that it's not your job to soothe her. We are not responsible for our parents' wellbeing. If your mental health needs a break from her, then hold the boundary. Because everyone's telling you to do this to look after your mum but hardly anyone seems bothered about your own feelings around this.

OP you're getting a lot of stick on here but I totally get where you're coming from. The fact that she started this behaviour when you broke up with your ex demonstrates that she is old school 'women are incapable of functioning without a man' and that's the undertone I'm picking up. My Mum is exactly the same and it does my head in. Rather than giving you credit for all your achievements in life, she subtly undermines them by her unwarranted anxiousness. Perhaps she is jealous of the independent life you lead and clearly enjoy as it shines a spotlight on her own which was tethered by a misogynistic view of where a woman's place was in the world.

I'm with @lookingformyleopard. If this thread is an example of how anxious the world at large is, then I despair. How the hell do people think we managed before the onset of technology! I'm amazed anyone has the nerve to cross their threshold into the big wide world each day.

Same here

“ My Mum is exactly the same and it does my head in. Rather than giving you credit for all your achievements in life, she subtly undermines them by her unwarranted anxiousness. Perhaps she is jealous of the independent life you lead and clearly enjoy as it shines a spotlight on her own which was tethered by a misogynistic view of where a woman's place was in the world.”

Thank goodness at least some people recognised that your mother's request isn't coming from love but her own selfish demands.

I think you are perfectly within your rights to stop doing this. As other's have said, what happens if you forget and she panics, it's not fair that the traveller should feel stressed until she can land and get that text out of the way.

I guessed the story was deeper and daily contact is too much for many adult children.

If it helps, I am on your team and would support you telling your mum you will no longer be sending arrival and whatever other texts she is demanding. It is her anxiety and she needs to find a way to deal with it.

of course women alone are more vulnerable.
do you honestly think that poor young teacher walking through a park in south london would have been targeted and smashed over the head if she had been walking with a man.
and it is perfectly normal for friends/family members of any age/sex to let each other know that they have reached their destination safely.
i used to do this with my male partner, the three rings, for him to let me know he was safe home.
it's called caring. and i'm sorry for those who think it's somehow odd.

I'm amazed people remember to txt.
When I arrive , at last, I need a pee, put the kettle on, chat to those at the arrival place - mean to txt but don't remember. No one worries.
Say someone didn't txt - there's nothing you can do. Why go through it all.

You could put a timer on your watch for the expected arrival. Send txt when it rings then put it out of your mind.

Just send her a txt. It may well be annoying but it’s a couple of seconds out of your day and it will put her mind at rest.

It would annoy me too OP. My husbands family were obsessed with letting each other know they had arrived safely. Each time we left their house we had to phone after our 1 hour car journey. It was ridiculous

@alexdgr8 As someone pointed out to me once, and it changed my viewpoint, statistically males are much more likely to be attacked or assaulted than females.

^According to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS), between April 2020 and March 2021, 177 women were murdered in England and Wales, compared to 416 men. This means 30% of those killed were women.
The same number of women - 177 - were killed between April 2019 to March 2020, compared with 495 men.^

Are we all supposed to wait to be chaperoned everywhere by a male? That's a bit of a backward step IMO.

@Bluechinavase

Are we all supposed to wait to be chaperoned everywhere by a male? That's a bit of a backward step IMO.

I don't think that's what @alexdgr8 was suggesting. It isn't necessarily about the risk of murder, either. The risk of sexual violence and harassment is certainly much higher for girls and women when travelling compared to that of men. In some countries - yes, women do have to wait to be chaperoned by a male in order to travel. In others, women cannot travel at all. It is banned for them. Is is a privilege available only to men.

I also lived abroad for nearly a decade, always used to let my mum know I’d got to resort safely. Humour her, there’ll be a time when you travel somewhere and would give your back teeth to be able to call and say you’re there but she’ll not be around.

Now that I am in my forties it's switched round a bit.

I'm Now calling my mum before she goes into work to make sure she's ok before work and I ring her when she gets back to make sure she got back ok.

She had a health scare a few years ago where I found her on the floor unable to get up.

I also see her everyday at tea time.

You get one mum.

It's so quick and easy to send a text to say you have arrived that I don't understand why you just don't do it!

Your mum cares about you. What is so wrong with that? One day she will be gone for good. Dead. Finito. How will you feel then?

@Soontobe60

You are your mother’s child. Always will be, despite being a grown woman. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t just send her a quick message to let her know you’ve arrived safely especially knowing that she’s going to be anxious until she gets that message. It seems somewhat cruel to not do so.

^This.

OP, your mother is controlling and her asking you to text is controlling behaviour. It isn't about caring, it's about her need to know. She can care without asking you to jump through hoops that make no difference to your safety. It's just fine to not want to feel those tendrils of control reaching for you when you step off the plane (or at any other time). And pandering to that sort of anxiety normally makes it worse, as you seem to be finding in other areas of your life.

You can try being brutal - when she asks just say, in effect, "No, I'm not going to be doing that." but it might be easier for both of you if instead you just don't give her the details of when you're going, so she has nothing to fixate on. You can just be vague - "Not sure, I'll try and let you know." Or not tell her you'er travelling at all.

And if her increasing clinginess is becoming too much in other areas of your life, maybe it's time to try something like medium chill.

“It's just fine to not want to feel those tendrils of control reaching for you when you step off the plane (or at any other time). “

Loving “medium chill” thanks for link!

Those that are STILL wanging on that they don’t understand have you tried reading the thread ?

My parents do this. Whenever any of there daughters or sons-in-law are travelling anywhere they watch the weather forecast like hawks and give us updates. This includes trips within the U.K. My husband teases them about it. We laugh about it. In the lead up to a journey ask each other if we have received any doom and gloom travel predictions yet. I think of it as a symptom of empty nester syndrome.

OP - I get you. I once went on holiday in the days before mobiles and didn't call my mum from the airport as I was leaving. When I got back and called to say hello I'm home, my parents didn't pick up the phone for 2 days and it was VERY unusual. I ended up calling their next door neighbor to see of they were ok. My mum was utterly furious that I had drawn an outsider into family business. They basically had not picked up the phone as punishment for missing a phone call to them as I left. It is controlling and nasty behavior.
30 years later and I always tell my mum that I will not be calling whilst I am away. She knows where she stands and I don't feel hounded.

It doesn't come from a place of love in these circumstances it comes from a place of control, anxiety and fear and if you give in to that, it can make things so much worse all the way round. Just be straight with your mum and say you are not doing this. You'll see her when she gets back.

How funny, I have written a similar post today, but I'm the Mum.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4677860-if-you-were-travelling-alone-in-a-foreign-country-would-you-let-someone-know-your-itinerary-in-case-something-happened-to-you?page=6&reply=121554323

I think you're being really mean. It would take you all of 10 seconds to send her a text. I used to do this for my Mum. She's dead now, and can't look out for me any more. I'm 52 and still text my 80 year old Dad to say I've arrived safely. He will be the next to pass away and then there will be no parents to check in with. DH's Dad is still alive, and isn't bothered about whether we get anywhere safely, or get home safely. We could be killed or abducted in a foreign country and no one would raise the alarm for several months. Not the best feeling.

@TortugaRumCakeQueen this is a zombie thread ...

It's from April..not that zombie. Anyway, I don't see an issue with a quick text to say you've arrived safely. It's hardly controlling. I visited my mum at the weekend and texted her when I got back to say we were home safely. She does the same if she visits me. My ds does the same when he goes back to uni on the train.