Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

I would not tolerate it either.

At 23 he should be well on his way to being an independent adult, so it’s probably best to help your relationship with him, if he started being independent in his own home.

When you say you thought you’d ‘escaped this trend’ does that mean you think it’s a fleeting fancy, or do you think they’re genuinely trans?

Stand your ground. But avoid the subject wherever possible. After all most of our lives we don't comment on what sex we are. Use a nickname like sweetheart or darling rather than a name or pronoun you can't support. Buy the book Trans by Helen Joyce.

@SockFluffInTheBath

When you say you thought you’d ‘escaped this trend’ does that mean you think it’s a fleeting fancy, or do you think they’re genuinely trans?

I think he's just playing with 'gender expression' for want of a better word as it's the current thing to do amongst the young isn't it. What makes someone 'genuinely trans' anyway. What does that mean? He's never shown any distress about being a boy/man/male in the past. Never mentioned a thing about it.

It must be hard OP

My DC are young enough for this not to be an issue at the moment.

We watched an episode of The Babysitters Club and one of the boy character's wanted to be called a girl and I explained to dd1 (10 at the time) we respect how people want to be known as, and we'll call them by the name they want to be known as, but no, you can't change sex.

She understood it so simply I felt relief.

Sounds so hard OP. What is his current position? Is he working? At uni? Asking for new pronouns/name?

My 11 year old child told me last year she was a lesbian….she’s now 12 and has a boyfriend. It was just a phase and like you say, a trend. It will pass if there isn’t ever been any mention of him having problems in the past, which you said he hasn’t, so it’s likely this will pass.

I appreciate it would be a shock...but imagine how they feel? Imagine how hard it must have been for your child to feel like this. Whether or not you believe in/agree with it - your child was deeply unhappy in their body to come out as transgender.

Unless you are happy to lose any relationship with them - can you not just use neutral pronouns? How else does it "require your involvement"?

He's never shown any distress about being a boy/man/male in the past. Never mentioned a thing about it
If they know you don't believe in being transgender - then they hardly would be coming to you with their concerns would they? And think about how many people struggle with various issues and no one knows about it. That they didn't talk to you about it is hardly proof it's any less real for them

But I don't want to call him by his new name as it enforces me to validate something I am against. It's so hard to explain. On my part it doesn't feel like I am choosing not to validate, I just can't. No more than I could agree with someone that the world is flat. I am happy for them to believe what they want but I don't want to be forced to say I believe something I don't.

That's what's causing me the distress. It would be so easy if I could just go along with the name and pronouns he wants but I can't because it distresses me. I feel like no one else can see what I see because everyone is so keen to validate a lie.

Thanks for responses. I can't really talk about this to others at the moment.

I feel for you OP, this must be very hard. I think it's time he made his own way in the world now that he's 23?

@saltedcaramelanything

I appreciate it would be a shock...but imagine how they feel? Imagine how hard it must have been for your child to feel like this. Whether or not you believe in/agree with it - your child was deeply unhappy in their body to come out as transgender.

Unless you are happy to lose any relationship with them - can you not just use neutral pronouns? How else does it "require your involvement"?

He's never shown any distress about being a boy/man/male in the past. Never mentioned a thing about it
If they know you don't believe in being transgender - then they hardly would be coming to you with their concerns would they? And think about how many people struggle with various issues and no one knows about it. That they didn't talk to you about it is hardly proof it's any less real for them

How do you know? There may not be any dysphoria in this case. This seems highly likely, if there's been no previous indication.

It's upto you whether you 'go along with it' or not. However you'll have to face the fact that if you don't you might lose your relationship with your child.

Is that a hill you want to die on? Because it certainly wouldn't be mine. My relationship with and need to support my child would trump all.

@YellowHpok

Sounds so hard OP. What is his current position? Is he working? At uni? Asking for new pronouns/name?

Was living independently after leaving uni but fixed term job ended and then he had mental health difficulties that prevented him working. Has now given up his flat and moved in with us. He's got medication for depression and is much better and now started looking for work again.

Yes wants new name and pronouns but I'm not using them.

@YellowBrickWall

But I don't want to call him by his new name as it enforces me to validate something I am against. It's so hard to explain. On my part it doesn't feel like I am choosing not to validate, I just can't. No more than I could agree with someone that the world is flat. I am happy for them to believe what they want but I don't want to be forced to say I believe something I don't.

That's what's causing me the distress. It would be so easy if I could just go along with the name and pronouns he wants but I can't because it distresses me. I feel like no one else can see what I see because everyone is so keen to validate a lie.

Thanks for responses. I can't really talk about this to others at the moment.

Without getting into the rest of the debate, the way you handle this will impact your relationship.

Have you got a childhood nickname for your child? Could you use neutral pronouns? Could you just call your child sweetheart or darling or whatever?

Its a lot to get your head around, I've been/am there too.

There's a middle ground for the moment though that will possibly save your relationship going forward.

OP...this must be so hard .I genuinely don't know how I would react if it was one of mine .💐

How do you know? There may not be any dysphoria in this case. This seems highly likely, if there's been no previous indication.

If you have a parent that you know doesn't agree with it - your hardly going to go and speak with them about your struggles are you?

I find that such an odd argument to try and prove "it's not real". How many people sadly attempt or commit self-harm that comes as a complete surprise to their loved ones? Does that mean their depression/struggles aren't real because they held it in?

For what it's worth, I'm not even saying you need to get on board and throw a party for them. But imagine it from how their feeling.

@A580Hojas

I feel for you OP, this must be very hard. I think it's time he made his own way in the world now that he's 23?

If you throw your child out because they’re trans, you would be a huge asshole.

Can you have a sit down discussion with him to explain your position, while reiterating how much you love him, etc?

@CrumpetStrumpet

It's upto you whether you 'go along with it' or not. However you'll have to face the fact that if you don't you might lose your relationship with your child.

Is that a hill you want to die on? Because it certainly wouldn't be mine. My relationship with and need to support my child would trump all.

Even if that is supporting them injecting cross sex hormones and chopping off their dick? Could you really hold your childs hand and say yes darling I think chopping off your dick is the right move?

I think he's just playing with 'gender expression' for want of a better word as it's the current thing to do amongst the young isn't it.

It's quite possible he will grow out of it, but he's an adult and has the right to do what he wants. I would just try to find a middle ground you can both accept, in terms of the day to day, so you can live together. I wouldn't allow misogynistic rhetoric about "terfs" or anything like that at home.

@HeDidWhattt

My 11 year old child told me last year she was a lesbian….she’s now 12 and has a boyfriend. It was just a phase and like you say, a trend. It will pass if there isn’t ever been any mention of him having problems in the past, which you said he hasn’t, so it’s likely this will pass.

You say this like being gay is a bad thing ?

*Was living independently after leaving uni but fixed term job ended and then he had mental health difficulties that prevented him working. Has now given up his flat and moved in with us. He's got medication for depression and is much better and now started looking for work again.

Yes wants new name and pronouns but I'm not using them.*

So your child, being treated for MH, has asked you to use a different name and you don’t want to because you don’t want to? If his name was Robert and he asked you to call him Bob would it bother you the same? I think you’re taking this very personally OP when it’s not about you, and risking alienating your already fragile DC.

@saltedcaramelanything

I appreciate it would be a shock...but imagine how they feel? Imagine how hard it must have been for your child to feel like this. Whether or not you believe in/agree with it - your child was deeply unhappy in their body to come out as transgender.

Unless you are happy to lose any relationship with them - can you not just use neutral pronouns? How else does it "require your involvement"?

He's never shown any distress about being a boy/man/male in the past. Never mentioned a thing about it
If they know you don't believe in being transgender - then they hardly would be coming to you with their concerns would they? And think about how many people struggle with various issues and no one knows about it. That they didn't talk to you about it is hardly proof it's any less real for them

Utter crap.

It might be worth trying to use gender neutral pronouns, you might both feel more comfortable with those rather than using he/her