Can't cope with DS being transgender

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This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

I'm not trying to be harsh or not compassionate- but genuinely am so confused how the distress you say it will cause you to use his preferred name and pronouns could be worse than the distress of losing him out of your life entirely. What could be worse than the distress of losing a child?

I am so over the power-tripping that a lot of young people with any types of “issues” seem to enjoy. It’s used to control the narrative everywhere, all the time. They demand to be understood and validated constantly at the expense of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. Any attempt to promote equal discourse is met with accusations of bigotry and abuse. It also negates accountability for the damage THEY wreak on the MH and well-being of others, and the hypocrisy here makes me so angry! I believe that this constant validation (in a lot of cases) and the fear of speaking out against this control can be dangerous.

Sometimes loving someone doesn't mean lying to them or approving of their every decision. Loving someone is having their ultimate good in mind; it is doing what is best for them and saying what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. "Being kind" is not always loving. Sometimes it is downright deceitful and lazy to merely "be kind".

Don't go along with or openly approve of anything that you believe is wrong or harmful.

Oh that's tough ! Of course he can identify as whoever he wants but it's only fair that his DM gets some time to get her head around the situation.

If the roles were reversed and it was you telling him that you were now identifying as a man wouldn't he need time to come to terms with it ? It seems that in the rush to validate a persons right to self identify the right to feel hurt and confused by a loved one's choices is being denied.

@Cheetocat

She's your child, don't you love her anyway? Why does her gender bother you? Yes, it's an adjustment but if it means your own flesh and blood gets to be happy in her own skin then how could you deny that?

Willing to bet you don't have teen kids of your own, do you?

My autistic son flirted with this before deciding he's a "femboy". The thing is, as a mum (probably a dad too, but I don't presume to speak for him) you recall your children's childhood fully, probably better than they do - certainly for the first few years. We also understand when our teen and young adult children are in existential pain and seeking a "cure" or solution.

The op's adult child might think this is the solution. But it probably isn't, or the OP would know that it's the right thing to do. Like when our youngsters emigrate to Australia or somesuch. It breaks our heart but we give them unconditional support and encouragement to go for it, because we recognise that it's best for them. We love our kids more than we love ourselves.

The fact is, OP can't deny her son going down this route. But she can grieve and feel it's a terrible mistake, and it doesn't make her a terrible person.

@Fraaahnces

I am so over the power-tripping that a lot of young people with any types of “issues” seem to enjoy. It’s used to control the narrative everywhere, all the time. They demand to be understood and validated constantly at the expense of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. Any attempt to promote equal discourse is met with accusations of bigotry and abuse. It also negates accountability for the damage THEY wreak on the MH and well-being of others, and the hypocrisy here makes me so angry! I believe that this constant validation (in a lot of cases) and the fear of speaking out against this control can be dangerous.

Well said! And you've only to look at some of the ludicrous responses on this very thread to see that many have fallen for it hook, line and sinker

@AvonCallingBarksdale

So difficult for you all OP . PP suggestions of a middle ground are the way forward from an honest conversation. I’m assuming (perhaps wrongly) that they don’t have a partner?

He does have a girlfriend and she is also exploring her gender identity and might be non binary. One of his best friends transitioned a few years ago. They are all at it. This is why I think it's a trend.

He says that like minded people find each other which I do agree with but it's seems very coincidental that him and his best friend from babyhood are both transitioning.

Very difficult, for sure, OP. Of course because your son is an adult it is his choice what he does. But he lives with you, so you are perfectly within your rights to set any boundaries you feel you want to set.

I should add that he is a lovely young man, he's being helpful and cheerful - cooks, cleans, does the garden, etc. all the usual stuff. We are just not talking about this issue and I guess we are both hiding our pain from each other.

It's clear how much you all are for each other. I know it's very hard, but I wonder if there is a way to make space where you can really have clear communications? Listen to each other properly. Maybe somewhere neutral - outdoors. Is there a shared activity you could do together? Have you considered some kind of family counselling? It sounds like your son needs support and yes, still your involvement as a parent.

@Hello606

Not too long ago people would’ve been having these exact conversations about their children being gay and how ‘unacceptable’ it is and how they don’t agree or believe in it etc and now we can’t even imagine that being an issue because it’s so normal. Your child will be trans whether you agree with it or not

Just a bit of a shame about all those girls having their breasts chopped off and not being able to have children and being on lifelong dangerous medication. Funny that so many girls in one class turn out to be trans and all realise it at the same time, too...

*care, not are!

I don’t think you have to think TWAW to use respect their choice of pronouns and name, I certainly don’t think you can take hormones and have surgery and magically become a woman, but I do respect everyone’s right to be called and addressed how they wish. Are you really prepared to sacrifice a relationship with your child over this?

In regards to you not believing they are trans and thinking this is just a phase because they never showed any signs before now, my mum couldn’t accept I was gay and neither could my fiancées mum for the same reasons, 15 years later we’re both still very much gay. With the greatest respect mothers often think they know everything about their teenage or adult kids and they really don’t, if your son knows you don’t agree with this then they will have hid it from you.

They’re 23 not 11, I came out at a very similar age and speaking from personal experience it’s very patronising and insulting to try and convince them this is just at phase and that you don’t believe them. My mother has since apologised and things are fine now, but I will never forget how when I needed her the most she made me feel rejected and disgusting.

Please think long and hard about this as it will cause permanent damage to your relationship.

@Fraaahnces

I am so over the power-tripping that a lot of young people with any types of “issues” seem to enjoy. It’s used to control the narrative everywhere, all the time. They demand to be understood and validated constantly at the expense of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. Any attempt to promote equal discourse is met with accusations of bigotry and abuse. It also negates accountability for the damage THEY wreak on the MH and well-being of others, and the hypocrisy here makes me so angry! I believe that this constant validation (in a lot of cases) and the fear of speaking out against this control can be dangerous.

Yes. Thankfully this tactic, once bewildering and frightening, is becoming more and more transparent.

He does have a girlfriend and she is also exploring her gender identity and might be non binary. One of his best friends transitioned a few years ago. They are all at it. This is why I think it's a trend

It is. You're right. Trust yourself on that score. But don't be overtly challenging. You want to preserve your relationship not push him away.

OP - no real advice other than try to bridge this gap otherwise you will be excluded from your son's life long term. It costs nothing to call him by a different name and use different pronouns. But you also need to get him counselling for mental health issues as I do agree with others that there can be a fixation on the 'one thing' that could make everything ok when you have mental health issues.

It's really hard though OP - I have a friend who now identifies as male and I still occasionally and accidentally (if I'm not concentrating) call them by their female given name at times because I knew them as female for such a long time.

My child is mid teen and presented similarly, but now as non binary. I figured if they were five and asked to be called something different I probably would, so I do call them by their new name and pronouns. They are their own person, I can’t control them, but do secretly hope that the ungendered home they live in will eventually rub off and they will feel able to express themselves confidently, however unusually that manifests, in the sex they were born.

@LondonWolf imagine the pain her child is going through then, not being accepted by her own mum. There was no smug tone in what @LoopyDream posted, it's straightforward.

@LaraDeSalle

I would not tolerate it either.

And what would 'not tolerating it' look like for you?

You are not alone OP. The circumstances you describe, even down to education and job history, is exactly the same as someone I know. The mother felt the same way as you too. Eventually she did open up to me about it. I didnt have anything clever or useful to say, but I think it helped her having someone she could off load onto. Maybe you could find someone, not too close to your family, who would be a kindly listening ear too?

If it helps a tiny bit, the young adult I know continued with their transgender journey and it did become easier for all involved to accept them as they wanted to be. It is going to take a long time though. for you.

I hate my name, I use a different name that I feel is me. Nothing to do with sex or gender, why should I be forced to use a name I didn't choose, that I had no say in? I think refusing to use a name he has chosen is deeply unpleasant.

Oh God I entirely sympathise, I would hate this too and find it intolerable (and I have a gender dysphoric child who has been totally clear about it for many years since old enough to express herself). If any of my other children announced they were trans I simply wouldn't believe or accept it and, like you, think it was a bandwagon they were jumping on. Although I don't actually know if it is possible/likely to be genuine at the age of 23 and what he has said about why he feels like this?

I don't know what to advise you to do, hopefully someone with direct experience will read your post and advise. I would probably quote my own dad when I did or said something he disagreed with "Don't be so bloody ridiculous".

[quote Cheetocat]**@LondonWolf* imagine the pain her child is going through then, not being accepted by her own mum. There was no smug tone in what @LoopyDream* posted, it's straightforward.[/quote]
Utter twaddle. Don't @ me again. You'll be ignored. I don't engage with this nonsense.

Love your child as they are or be prepared to lose them over your rejection

It’s your choice. They don’t have to alter themselves to suit your beliefs

Does he need help coming to terms with homosexuality or porn addiction?

So sorry you are in this situation OP. I think I would make my beliefs clear, but try to live with the situation, including name change, whilst supporting him to become independent again. If he gets a job and a new place of his own, I imagine it will be easier for both of you.I wouldn't want to risk his mental health by rejecting him or issuing ultimatums. Easy to say, hypothetically, of course. 💐