Can't cope with DS being transgender

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This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

@saltedcaramelanything

I appreciate it would be a shock...but imagine how they feel? Imagine how hard it must have been for your child to feel like this. Whether or not you believe in/agree with it - your child was deeply unhappy in their body to come out as transgender.

Unless you are happy to lose any relationship with them - can you not just use neutral pronouns? How else does it "require your involvement"?

He's never shown any distress about being a boy/man/male in the past. Never mentioned a thing about it
If they know you don't believe in being transgender - then they hardly would be coming to you with their concerns would they? And think about how many people struggle with various issues and no one knows about it. That they didn't talk to you about it is hardly proof it's any less real for them

Don't be ridiculous, @saltedcaramelanything. Are you honestly pretending that a mother wouldn't notice that her child thought he was a girl all his life? You do understand that young children would have no reason to hide that, don't you?

Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is well documented, and it's an internet driven social contagion. Rates went up by a fifth during UK lockdown because kids were on their phones all day.

Whether or not you believe in/agree with it - your child was deeply unhappy in their body to come out as transgender.

So unhappy he's got to the age of 23 without it ever being an issue before?

I doubt it.

@SomePosters

Love your child as they are or be prepared to lose them over your rejection

It’s your choice. They don’t have to alter themselves to suit your beliefs

The OP's beliefs are rooted in reality though...

I know 4 women in your situation and 2 now have NC with their children. So sad.

Wow. Giving up their relationship just because of their gender identity? Sounds like jehovahs

@SockFluffInTheBath

When you say you thought you’d ‘escaped this trend’ does that mean you think it’s a fleeting fancy, or do you think they’re genuinely trans?

What does 'genuinely trans' mean?

That he doesn't want to conform with male stereotypes?

That he doesn't want to wear certain clothes or does want to wear certain other clothes?

That he wants to grow his hear into a feminine styles?

That he wants to wear make up?

Why can't he do all these things as a man? I really don't get what 'genuinely trans' means, unless it means could he meet the diagnostic criteria for gender dysphoria perhaps. Is that what is meant?

"I love you. I can't get on board with what's going on for you right now, but I want to find a way to meet you in the middle. So I'll call you what you want, and I'd like you to understand that if I do that, it doesn't mean my feelings about this in its entirety have changed."

This.
Anyone can change their name for whatever reason.
But I wouldnt say her to him if you dont feel comfortable or dont feel it is the truth.

Poor lad

@diverze actually I have partially raised a family members kids and one of them is transgender, my love and support hasn't wavered one bit.

@Hello606

Not too long ago people would’ve been having these exact conversations about their children being gay and how ‘unacceptable’ it is and how they don’t agree or believe in it etc and now we can’t even imagine that being an issue because it’s so normal. Your child will be trans whether you agree with it or not

It's really not comparable. Being gay doesn't require external validation on all sides that calls for counter-intuituve language and behaviour from everyone around you.

More importantly, it doesn't potentially involve hormonal or surgical alterations to the body. Hormones and/or surgery are absolutely the right route for many people, but there is a not insignificant risk of a person regretting it after permanent change has taken place, and it's normal for a parent to worry about this.

Tricky all round.
As you say, using a different name and pronouns is not cost free for you. It's uncomfortable and invalidating. But refusal will also be hurtful for your adult child.
There's obviously love in your family and I think you can safely ignore the posters telling you that everything will break down if you don't comply.
But you do need some time to process this and it's not unreasonable for you to take that.
Your child (seems odd saying that for an adult) is exploring their identity, that's fair enough, our kids are not an extension of us. But I would be concerned that their poor mental health might mean they are not making the best choices.
Honest but gentle conversations are needed. Find the space between where you can still connect.

@DrSbaitso

He hadn't even considered the implications for women, he's just thinking about himself.

Like most of them, then.

Do you think this is what's making it so hard for you? If you both discussed what it actually means in real terms for women if we are all compelled to accept that TWAW, might you find it easier to accept if it is about being considered to be a transwoman, not a woman, and recognising he difference? Would that make the mental shift any easier?

Whether or not that's a viable possibility, you can't lose your child over this.

Yes I do think that this is what I am struggling with. I asked him if he would use female spaces and he said he would when he looked like a woman. I said I'm sorry but you are never going to look like a woman. He is very tall with big hands and feet and the jawline of a man.

He said that it's like a venn diagram with women and transwomen and they have a cross over in the middle. I said no they don't. There is one thing that all women have in common across the world and that's their sex. There is nothing that all women have in common with transwomen.

He had never heard of Karen White or Laurel Hubbard. He said TW have been competing in the olympics for years and I said no, only if they had a GRC, not self ID. I told him that a tiny minority of TW have a GRC and have rarely been a problem for women. But now self ID is pushing women out of everything and he did agree with that. I can't be on the team that hurts women like that.

I am a woman. I am more than a mother. I have my own life, my own beliefs, my own sensitivities. Why should I give up everything I believe in just because this movement has come right into my home.

Karma eh? She sure is a bitch.

My eldest son went through this, albeit at a younger age (15-18). We went to GIDS and he was all set to be transferred to the adult service when COVID hit. Lockdown really helped us I think. He deferred uni for a year and got a job. I think the bit that helped the most was getting a job, it gave him less time to ‘navel gaze’ for want of a better term.

He’s now happy with who he is, a male with (beautiful!) long hair.
I just wanted to offer some hope that this might not be a permanent state of mind for your son.

You said you don't mind what your child wears or how they present themselves, so call them she and whatever name they want, that is part of the way they present themselves. What if they told you they didn't like the name you picked and wanted to change it to Paul - would you refuse to adopt it? You can raise an objection if they actually do anything you disagree with like taking up boxing and fighting natal women without taking any hormone suppressors. Probably won't happen.

@2022HereWeCome

OP - no real advice other than try to bridge this gap otherwise you will be excluded from your son's life long term. It costs nothing to call him by a different name and use different pronouns. But you also need to get him counselling for mental health issues as I do agree with others that there can be a fixation on the 'one thing' that could make everything ok when you have mental health issues.

It's really hard though OP - I have a friend who now identifies as male and I still occasionally and accidentally (if I'm not concentrating) call them by their female given name at times because I knew them as female for such a long time.

It costs nothing to call him by a different name and use different pronouns. It doesn't "cost nothing" - it's lying.

and it's an internet driven social contagion. Rates went up by a fifth during UK lockdown because kids were on their phones all day.

Interesting. I didn't know that.

Personally, I am always looking for an explanation as to why the rates of children "transitioning" has gone up by 4400% over the last five years, with AUTISTIC GIRLS being hugely overrepresented in that figure. I've never yet received any kind of coherent explanation though.

I don’t think you have to think TWAW to use respect their choice of pronouns and name, I certainly don’t think you can take hormones and have surgery and magically become a woman, but I do respect everyone’s right to be called and addressed how they wish. Are you really prepared to sacrifice a relationship with your child over this?

Agree with this.

I would not like it, if this had happened, to either of my now two adult children.. I think in very young people, it could be a trend, to want to have a gender, change, as there is so much talk about it these days, and some younger childrren get so caught up in things that they see and hear about, and want to follow suit in everythig, without not even knowing about any implications.

I would wan't to know about an older offspring, just why they have a need to change at an older age,and why they are so unhappy about being as they were., as though changing will make them feel very happy and fulfilled, when they may regret it eventually.

I would be unhappy about this situation, but there are too many people around now, who would tell you to not be unhappy at all, and to be understanding about everything Its just talk, as everyone does not have the same mindset, if they dont have the same situations to deal with.

@Hello606

Not too long ago people would’ve been having these exact conversations about their children being gay and how ‘unacceptable’ it is and how they don’t agree or believe in it etc and now we can’t even imagine that being an issue because it’s so normal. Your child will be trans whether you agree with it or not

That is not why women are opposing this. How did someone being gay clash with anyone else's rights? How did someone being gay involve having to deny biological reality?

OP, you need to focus on what you can do for him, rather than what you can't:

1. Growing up, we didn't have gender expectations for our kids. It sounds like you will have no problem with how he dresses so support him to dress up if he wants. Be honest when he looks silly but help him to experiment in a positive way.

1. Drown him in the idea that you love him for who he is- that person hasn't changed and he isn't doing this to hurt you or compel your speech.

1. There is no need to use incorrect pronouns and if he isn't pushing you to then this issue can be left alone. He should respect your boundaries as you respect his.

1. I would consider using his new name. It doesn't change anything about who he is.

1. Above all- talk to him and listen to how he feels.

1. Really try to persuade him off hormones for now. Taking them without proper medical supervision is a bad idea. Perhaps if he can see you trying hard to support him he might be willing to hold off and deal with the MH issues first?

@Kittykat93

I'm not the pp but I don't think they are insinuating being gay is a bad thing ffs 🤣. They are just saying that these days it seems the 'cool' thing to be anything but straight. Most teenagers these days are gay, bi, pans, tran, gender neutral etc. A lot of them aren't actually gay it's just a phase. In the pps case her 11 year old came out as gay and then the year after has a boyfriend...indicating she isn't gay.

Most teenagers? Really? My grandsons and their friends seem to be quite happy being male, most have girlfriends who seem perfectly happy about being female. How amazing that with two different schools plus their football and cricket clubs we don't know any of them who claim to by gay, bi,pans, trans, gender neutral etc if most teenagers do.

Maybe it is a trend that just hasn't hit locally.

@LondonWolf - I agree. The glibness would be hilarious were is not so indicative of someone being captured, wholesale, by an ideology that twists itself into knots and frequently espouses contradictory assertions.

I believe you can still respect an individual adult’s decision to change names without believing that adult has changed sex. Pronouns are trickier because they are natural speech patterns not normally tied to individuals. I would still be very sad to see the name I chose for my child cast aside, but sometimes life comes with sadness.

A perhaps less controversial example. It makes me genuinely uncomfortable when women change their last names upon marriage. I find the practice offensive and do not like being asked to participate. I have never once called a woman by her old name. Even though I have huge qualms about the decision, I recognize her right as an adult to make it and I respect that right and use her chosen name. Her right to pick her name matters more than my philosophical objections.

I don’t believe you now have a daughter instead of a son. I still think you need to meet him part way and respect his choice of name, as uncomfortable as that may be.

Well in a sense it doesn't cost her anything to use his preferred name and pronouns - that's what makes it so wrong. It's cheap love that prioritises an easy life over doing what is actually best for someone.

If you throw your child out because they’re trans, you would be a huge asshole.

I agree. He is still your son.

I have issues with the trans ideology, but love my children enough to accept that we don't have to see eye to eye on everthing.
No-one is asking you to change your views, just accept you have different outlooks.
Loving relationships can look past the things that are actually quite trivial. Gender or sexuality does not define who we are as people.
My DS has recently told me of his LGBGT persuasion, and what surprised me is how little I care.
He is still the same loveable person, with the same kind nature, sense of humour and listening ear.
These basic aspects of who we are mean far more than gender or sexual preference.

Is it worth spoiling a good relationship OP? Or can you just put your views aside and focus on what really matters.

There are many uni sex names. I would just consider whatever he wants to be called as unisex and call him when he likes. He will never be a woman though and at some point I think this social contagion will stop and he will probably come to realise that for himself.

Ultimately 'woman' to you means only biology so in your world he can never be a woman. 'Woman' to him means something else and when someone can tell us what it means then a conversation can be had. Perhaps he will be the person to actually try and define 'woman' in a non-biological, non stereotypical sense.