Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

But I don't want to call him by his new name as it enforces me to validate something I am against. It's so hard to explain. On my part it doesn't feel like I am choosing not to validate, I just can't. No more than I could agree with someone that the world is flat. I am happy for them to believe what they want but I don't want to be forced to say I believe something I don't.

I think a lot of women know exactly where you are coming from it must be so hard when it's your own child.

If they know you don't believe in being transgender - then they hardly would be coming to you with their concerns would they?

He didn't know. He was totally shocked when he told me as he was expecting me to be fine with it. I am a live and let live person so he was surprised when I told him the many reasons why I don't agree with self ID and compelled thought/speech. He hadn't even considered the implications for women, he's just thinking about himself.

Growing up, we didn't have gender expectations for our kids. We had toys from lego, dolls, trains, dress up, trucks, etc. which anyone could play with however they liked. We never said boys are like this or girls are like that, they were free to pursue their own interests.

I don't mind what he wears or calls himself, I just don't want to be made to join in. Why are his feelings more important than mine. I agree with the poster who said I will lose him, that's why I said it feels like blackmail and is so distressing.

I'm with you on this Yellow! What a challenge.

I'm trying to think about it as 'the latest thing' - so something that is supposed to be beyond the understanding of parents and their generation.

Punk - with the safety-pins and angry hair colour (and will they ever be able to get a job etc.) must have seemed the same to parents/teachers at the time. Rejecting your parents' religion is similar.

I used to be able to go along with my children being Robin Hood or Horses or witches. No point in arguing at the time.

(I was careful about the upstairs window locks during the Peter-pan phase. They couldn't actually fly -no matter how hard they believed.)

There is no point in arguing with a self-identifier. Trying on identities is part of growing up. Arguing might just entrench things. I would encourage delay and delay and delay on surgery or hormones though - even for the 23 year old.

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

@saltedcaramelanything

How do you know? There may not be any dysphoria in this case. This seems highly likely, if there's been no previous indication.

If you have a parent that you know doesn't agree with it - your hardly going to go and speak with them about your struggles are you?

I find that such an odd argument to try and prove "it's not real". How many people sadly attempt or commit self-harm that comes as a complete surprise to their loved ones? Does that mean their depression/struggles aren't real because they held it in?

For what it's worth, I'm not even saying you need to get on board and throw a party for them. But imagine it from how their feeling.

From what I've read, the rare truly dysphoric adults have shown discomfort with their sex from a very young age? It may well be that this young person is grabbing onto the idea of being trans as a possible solution to other mental health issues. God knows there's enough encouragement to do that at the moment. And the last thing they will need is all the problems associated with taking medication and having surgery.

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

Him.

Can you negotiate with him/her to have a nick name you're both comfortable with? It would be a real shame to loose your relationship based on this. I can understand it must be really hard for you as well as for your son.

I have a couple of threads in LGBT Children @YellowBrickWall

My son is similar

You have my sympathy.

If you want to message me please do.

Humans cannot change sex.
They can just pretend.

I have a teen and really worry about this. He asked me the other day if he could go to 'Johns' house this weekend, I asked who is John as I had never heard him mention him before, he said 'It's in the year above me'. I was like sorry? It? I got a huge eye roll and was told that that is its pronouns. Lot's of other friends are 'they', that coupled with ds having autism I feel like this is just around the corner for us.

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

What a stupid and unkind thing to say. It clearly IS very difficult. And why should the OP lose her child? I would suggest being very open with him (as you seem to have been so far), and discussing and agreeing on a compromise. Eg a unisex nickname and using "they" pronouns.

I am so sorry this is happening to you Yellow. It's a complete nightmare for women like us, who have been accepting and wouldn't bat an eyelid at a gay child or a child marrying another race etc etc so we are expected to find all of the gender expression trend acceptable and be proud of our 'brave' children. I know 4 women in your situation and 2 now have NC with their children. So sad.

Yes agree with PP about using a NN.

Both my DC have gender neutral NN that I'd continue to use but no, I wouldn't be comfortable going from calling them James to now calling them Jane.

I'm not sure exactly which part you have an issue with, OP.

You don't believe your DC is a woman –fine. I don't either - if this is more than a 'phase', then your DC is a transwoman.

But I can call my friends and loved ones by whatever name they want without that meaning I believe in everything they do.

Engaging in one part of something doesn't mean you approve of all of it.

You're sounding very all-or-nothing and it doesn't sound like you've yet realised that that's your choice, not your DC forcing your hand.

I wouldn't say its 'the trend' once passed about age 21. At 23 I'd be inclined to take them more seriously. I like to think I'm pretty open minded about all of this stuff but truly, I don't know what I'd think if it was my own child. So tricky. But either way, they really need your support I think.

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

Bollocks

@SockFluffInTheBath

*Was living independently after leaving uni but fixed term job ended and then he had mental health difficulties that prevented him working. Has now given up his flat and moved in with us. He's got medication for depression and is much better and now started looking for work again.

Yes wants new name and pronouns but I'm not using them.*

So your child, being treated for MH, has asked you to use a different name and you don’t want to because you don’t want to? If his name was Robert and he asked you to call him Bob would it bother you the same? I think you’re taking this very personally OP when it’s not about you, and risking alienating your already fragile DC.

We've talked about this and of course I would call him any name he wanted EXCEPT for where the only reason is because he wants me to validate him as a woman. It feels like compelled speech. It feels like everyone else thinks it's such a small thing but it isn't. It's making me join in with his fantasy which I don't want to do.

I got a huge eye roll and was told that that is its pronouns.

I wouldn't have been able to stop myself eye rolling straight back. You can't expect people to call you "it".

It's making me join in with his fantasy which I don't want to do

It's not if you say it's not.

"I love you. I can't get on board with what's going on for you right now, but I want to find a way to meet you in the middle. So I'll call you what you want, and I'd like you to understand that if I do that, it doesn't mean my feelings about this in its entirety have changed."

I'd just use pet names Honey, sweetheart, darling etc and neutral pronouns.

If this is still a thing in a year then I'd start looking at counselling to help you accept that your dc has different beliefs from you.

I would choose to support my child regardless. Neutral pronouns if necessary and a nickname if the new one is too difficult right now.

I can get by without using someone's name quite easily?
Is there a nickname you can agree on?

Oh gosh I really feel for you. Unfortunately with this ideology it seems it's all or nothing.

We thought we could get away with using a trans friends new name and pronouns and being respectful of their new identity

It wasn't enough though. They knew we didn't believe people can change sex and that was too difficult for them and they have cut themselves off from us.

I'm as gender critical as you but I think if it was my son I'd have to put my thoughts and feelings to one side as the risk of the loss of the relationship is too high.

I'm assuming they have been feeling this way for months, possibly years. It's come to them gradually that this is how they want to be. You are allowed to take time to get your head round it too.

Find a middle ground for a while and see how things develop.

@orio of course being gay is not a bad thing!! And not the point of my post! Funny that’s what you took from it though 🙄
The point was people go through phases and change their minds, want one thing then another-perfectly normal to do that as well as not do it.