Page 3 | Can't cope with DS being transgender

Rainbowshit · 25/03/2022 13:46

@Notanotherwindow

I'd just use pet names Honey, sweetheart, darling etc and neutral pronouns.

If this is still a thing in a year then I'd start looking at counselling to help you accept that your dc has different beliefs from you.

Hah, we tried counselling. None of them seemed to understand why we were struggling with our friend's transition. They didn't understand the grief we were feeling at the friend becoming a completely different person. They all thought it was amazing, stunning and brave of our friend and how could anyone possibly need counselling because of it. 🤔

DarkShade · 25/03/2022 13:46

Very difficult. If it made it easier, would it help to think of when he was a child and could say "I'm a dog" or "I'm a pirate" or whatever and you would say "what do you want for dinner, little dog?". Indulging the fantasy, but without believing it.

SockFluffInTheBath · 25/03/2022 13:49

We've talked about this and of course I would call him any name he wanted EXCEPT for where the only reason is because he wants me to validate him as a woman. It feels like compelled speech. It feels like everyone else thinks it's such a small thing but it isn't. It's making me join in with his fantasy which I don't want to do.

Ok. There have always been trans folk, even before the current ‘trend’.

If they’re trying it for size/ going through a phase then it will pass and you’ve lost nothing by ‘playing along’.

If it’s a genuine event then you’ve not alienated your child by ‘playing along’.

It costs you nothing either way. Just support your child like a parent is supposed to.

Crazycrazylady · 25/03/2022 13:49

Honestly I think you absolutely can have a conversation with him about this, tell him you'll call him by what ever name he wants and pronouns but you don't believe he is a woman. Tell him you love
If you refuse to use his pronouns you will
Lose all you relationship with him. I'd bite my lip rather than so that.

Marvellousmadness · 25/03/2022 13:50

You find it hard to use different pronouns. Names. And deal with the whole thing. Right?
Which i get.

howeverrrrrr. Ask yourself what is more important:would you rather be having a child in your life? Or would you rather be astranged from your kid because you refused to accept what is.

SockFluffInTheBath · 25/03/2022 13:51

Is this thread trending on Twitter yet?

Original poster

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 13:52

I would encourage delay and delay and delay on surgery or hormones though - even for the 23 year old.

He's on a waiting list for assessment but luckily the wait is currently about 3 years. I think he is already taking hormones. Probably got them off the internet.

Regarding the name, there are four of us in the household so we do actually use each other's names a lot. His sister is full on TWAW and happy to validate but she is avoiding using his name or pronouns, at least in my presence. I've told her to do whatever she wants, she does not have to worry about me but I'm still calling him by his original name. He has agreed he will accept that until he legally changes it but it still feels really awkward. Everyone is tiptoeing around the issue. It's very uncomfortable in the house. I do wish he didn't live here but he's not in a position to live independently again just yet.

I should add that he is a lovely young man, he's being helpful and cheerful - cooks, cleans, does the garden, etc. all the usual stuff. We are just not talking about this issue and I guess we are both hiding our pain from each other.

OP posts:

Cheetocat · 25/03/2022 13:52

She's your child, don't you love her anyway? Why does her gender bother you? Yes, it's an adjustment but if it means your own flesh and blood gets to be happy in her own skin then how could you deny that?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 25/03/2022 13:53

So difficult for you all OP . PP suggestions of a middle ground are the way forward from an honest conversation. I’m assuming (perhaps wrongly) that they don’t have a partner?

narcdad · 25/03/2022 13:54

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

But he is a man, I can't suddenly become a man as I "feel like one"

Op it must be very difficult for you, do you have any support?
Would your son consider counselling?

LoopyDream · 25/03/2022 13:54

Let me help you out OP.

The correct pronoun is ‘she’ or ‘her’. She has a new name she wants you to use. Stop deadnaming her

DrSbaitso · 25/03/2022 13:54

He hadn't even considered the implications for women, he's just thinking about himself.

Like most of them, then.

Do you think this is what's making it so hard for you? If you both discussed what it actually means in real terms for women if we are all compelled to accept that TWAW, might you find it easier to accept if it is about being considered to be a transwoman, not a woman, and recognising he difference? Would that make the mental shift any easier?

Whether or not that's a viable possibility, you can't lose your child over this.

Nc123 · 25/03/2022 13:56

@YellowBrickWall

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

If it’s hard for you, it will be harder for your child, living it, especially as they will be aware of your attitude.

Your comments about a “trend” are bonkers - have you seen the hostility trans people face? No one would choose to pretend to be trans, it would just be putting themselves in the firing line for no reason.

You just have to love your kid. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to understand. You don’t have to go on trans rights parades. You just have to accept your child and love them as they are, for all they are. Use the pronouns. Use the name. Learn from them. Love them. It’s what they need from you and it’s all they need from you. If it turns out that they are, as you suggest “playing with gender expression” then perhaps it will pass, and your relationship will only be stronger for the love and acceptance you have shown.

If it never passes, then do you really want to be your child’s bully?

They’re facing enough. Just love them.

Hoppinggreen · 25/03/2022 13:56

I think is some cases people with MH issues can cling to an idea that making a certain change will solve all of their problems, but equally some Trans people suffer from MH issues caused by their feelings of something not being “right”. It’s a bit chicken and egg I suppose
The question is how can you best help and support your child. You may not agree with what they are doing but you can’t expect them if you drive them away. Plus if you push them into a corner they may feel they can’t back down.
Your child is old enough to navigate this themselves really so I would just smile, nod and largely ignore. If they don’t like it then they can leave

Hello606 · 25/03/2022 13:56

Not too long ago people would’ve been having these exact conversations about their children being gay and how ‘unacceptable’ it is and how they don’t agree or believe in it etc and now we can’t even imagine that being an issue because it’s so normal. Your child will be trans whether you agree with it or not

Gonnagetgoing · 25/03/2022 13:57

This is interesting - a distant cousin of mine came to stay recently and told us his eldest DD, 11, is lesbian but also acts more like a boy and dresses like one. I don't think she is any way old enough to know she's a lesbian and the boy thing is ok but I'm not sure if she actually wants to change sex.

Too much peer pressure and outside influence on kids these days and young adults.

Crimesean · 25/03/2022 13:58

This is your son, OP. Unless you want to damage your relationship with him forever, I think you should use his preferred name and pronouns in front of him.

You can be kind at the same time as gently questioning why he thinks he's trans, what he hopes to resolve/achieve by transitioning, and making sure he has access to real life help and the space to talk it through properly rather than the affirming whitewash and encouragement he'll get online.

viques · 25/03/2022 13:58

Op it sounds as though things have not worked out for your child as he had hoped. I wonder if his worries about a job, his mental health and losing his independence by moving back home with you have just overwhelmed him and made him feel that he needs to somehow start afresh. Does he go out, have friends to talk to or is he generally isolated? It’s good he is looking for work, but has he though about how he is going to present himself there? I think you should be concentrating on getting him support for his mental health and restoring his confidence .

GandTfortea · 25/03/2022 13:59

Do you have to talk about it ?
If he’s got to 23 ,having never said I feel like I’m a girl …I’d assume he’s latching on to this for way of explanation of his mental health
I’ve read a lot of undiagnosed people with autism ,end up thinking the issue is they are in the wrong body ,when they are actually autistic.
I’d be getting him to a physiatrist asap …or at least saying ,let’s get you some help with your mental health.
If he was in full time work ,or full time education,with a full social life and all the jobs that come with running a home ,I doubt he would have time to focus so much on this issue .it would fade in to the background.
He needs keeping busy ,full time work ,and full social life ..volunteering if that’s all he can manage
I’d not be standing for mine living at home at 23 ,not fully occupied in one way or another outside of the house

tearinghairout · 25/03/2022 13:59

You need to take a bit of time to get your head around this but I do think you need to call your child by their preferred name. It will just cause unhappiness all round if you don't go along with their choices.

As for the 'it' pronoun, yes, you and I might not like it but it's someone's preference.

Blue89 · 25/03/2022 13:59

Very difficult @YellowBrickWall sorry to hear you’re going through this. All I can say is that, just support your son and just let him know you’re there for him and want him to be happy, even if that means going along for the ride. I know you don’t accept this ideology. Surely fighting it will cause you more stress and upset and possibly hurt your relationship with your son? Just support him, love him and let him know your there for him. So whenever he changes his mind or stance on this he will be able to express this to you without feeling silly or thinking he has to continue to prove a point.

Very tough indeed.

thatsgotit · 25/03/2022 14:00

OP, it must be so hard and I sympathise, but I think you might have to try and avoid getting into discussion with him about this. The fact that you regard it as a trend isn't going to be helpful to him if he is genuinely trans, and if this is just a phase for him then eventually it will pass. Either way I think you risk damaging your relationship with him permanently if you try to talk him out of it like it's some childhood craze. He's an adult.

Imabouttoexplode · 25/03/2022 14:00

He'll need a good dose of luck in getting a job.

LondonWolf · 25/03/2022 14:01

@LoopyDream

Let me help you out OP.

The correct pronoun is ‘she’ or ‘her’. She has a new name she wants you to use. Stop deadnaming her

I always shake my head at these kinds of responses. The utter glib, smug, pleased with yourself tone, ordering a worried parent to drop all of their own pain without question and go along with the cult. I know that that person genuinely believes themselves to be the kind, good accepting one even though they're actually being cruel and dismissive.

Kittykat93 · 25/03/2022 14:01

I'm not the pp but I don't think they are insinuating being gay is a bad thing ffs 🤣. They are just saying that these days it seems the 'cool' thing to be anything but straight. Most teenagers these days are gay, bi, pans, tran, gender neutral etc. A lot of them aren't actually gay it's just a phase. In the pps case her 11 year old came out as gay and then the year after has a boyfriend...indicating she isn't gay.