Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

The minute you have a male in a female space, it is a mixed space. That means we do not have female spaces. Pretending that this is all about some sort of teething issues is absolutely ridiculous. I would love to see your convoluted attempt to explain how having males in all these former female spaces means that female spaces still exist.

You said transwomen are not women- that is denying their existence. “the lie is pretending they [transwomen] are women”
But you also say transwomen are not biological women, which is different and not once did the OP say “biological woman”, she just said “woman” throughout her posts.
So it’s clear OP has also been saying transwomen are not women which is denying their existence.

This is such a nonsense argument. By your logic, insisting that females ARE women - then I guess their, and mine, existence is denied. If we go down this route then it is inevitable that one or other group denies the existence of the other. Alternatively we can stop the hyperbole and try and converse like a grown up.

I really think you are struggling to understand that for most people 'woman' is entirely a biological concept. Woman means biological woman. That's the whole point. The minute you use it otherwise you are mis-gendering and denying the existence of most women.

The discussions on this subject illustrate how difficult it is to reconcile the opposing views. My view is that my son is not a woman because if he was a woman, he wouldn't be trans.

I do not think that this means he doesn't exist. He exists as a male and a transwoman. Why is this contentious? What's so wrong with being transgender that people have to deny that they are?

Changing words to fit a narrative that means that males can be women and also that woman means female, makes no sense at all and it's no wonder no-one has been able define the meanings without going in circles.

Look at the clunky wording in the Equality Act about people who are, or are in the process of, or are intending to be.... etc. Also, the fact that anyone who says that they believe transwomen are women are unable to define the word woman or even give us a word that collects women as a class together without including males, which was the previous, universally accepted word 'women'. They have created this mess and there was absolutely no need for it. Well there was a need, it was to shut down any discussion and let males into female only spaces.

A poster asked about DD and how we all get along as she is of the view that transwomen are women. The answer to that is that we get along fine. She respects my right to my opinion, and I respect her right to hers. I told her to do whatever she feels comfortable doing so she mainly talks about him as a he but sometimes refers to him as she. This is fine with me. I always call him he and this is fine with her. This is all I want really, for everyone to use the words that they are comfortable with and not try to force other people to change their language or beliefs.

Regarding the statistics around numbers of people identifying as transwomen, we don't know do we. No-one has to register it anywhere, they can just self ID, like my son.

Him

I was just about to search for this and post. It's an excellent podcast and perfect for op's dilemma

This is brilliant 👍

He. Cut out the gaslighting

i missed the original post, back in March, but I would just like to say that my DS is trans woman. She identified as female about two years ago, no surgery or hormones yet - as you say, the waiting list is long. She has been dressing as female for most of this time and is also in a long term relationship with a woman.

DH and I (and the extended family, including grandparents) are accepting and supportive of what she wants to do with her life. She’s still our child and still a person with her own opinions and feelings. It is her choice, not ours to decide how she wants to live her life.

i’m very sorry OP that this situation has caused a rift your relationship with your adult child and I hope that you all manage to reconcile your differences.

I’m not trying to change your mind as you obviously feel very strongly about this, but I though it might help to know that other families are trying to adjust to a new situation too.

I’m with you OP, I wouldn’t accept it either. I’m Hoping my kids miss this trend.

Dressing as a female?

Fundamentally women dress differently because of body shape

Anything else is society convention

It's the convention that was wrong not your child

@HeDidWhattt what’s happening now is shocking my DD is primary aged and girls left right and centre having been “coming out” since year 4 , YEAR 4 !!!!

it’s ridiculous because a few months later they are not gay anymore. I have had to have talks with my DD about things way to early, things I didn’t even know until teenage years and it is confusing for the other children as these gay for a night kids are pushing their agendas onto the rest by coming into to school with LGBTQ bags and hand stickers and badges then POOF over night they are straight again

A vast majority of the youths today are really broken it’s sad but it’s this devil called social media it’s the worst thing that could have happened to society

I mean I don’t agree with the trans agenda but there’s no need for gay people to be kept a secret till teen years. My kids have known some people are gay since they’ve been aware that some people are married. They have friends with two mums, an uncle with a boyfriend etc. It doesn’t seem to confuse them. If one of their friends said they were gay then said they weren’t anymore I’d just explain that ‘sometimes it’s a process, people can change their mind or might have feelings for someone of the same sex and then the opposite and be working out how they feel.’ Gay people are really just like everyone else, and it’s normal for kids/teens (and adults too) to consider whether they might be gay, especially in that age bracket where strong attachments are made to female role models/friends.

They don't need to keep anything a secret but very few children understand their sexuality at a young age and sexuality before puberty shouldn't really be important and as other have explained many children "experiment" with different versions of themselves so should be free to do so without anything being cast in stone

I mean small child is lesbian - what should that affect ? Nothing . No one should treat the child differently as result

Thank you - yes you are right of course! Poor choice of words on my part.

Then what did you have to explain to your daughter that you didn’t know about until teen years? If she already knew some people are gay then one of her friends saying they have a crush on Black Widow instead of Captain America is a non-event.

I don’t know what you mean about ‘sexuality before puberty shouldn’t be important’ either. Children have crushes and these types of thoughts from quite young. It’s a perfectly normal stage of development and it’s a very normal age for a child to start thinking about these things. And no, the child shouldn’t be treated any differently - but that includes not having to keep it a secret until they’re a teenager or going through puberty when it’s ‘appropriate’ for them to exist.

Being transgender is nothing to do with sexual orientation. I don't know why they are even linked, let alone lumped together.

The transgender ideology believes in same gender attraction, not same sex attraction.

They insist that straight male people should be seen as actual lesbians if they decide to transition. It's completely different to same sex attraction and I do feel for LGB people who are also under pressure from this.

Yes of course I understand that. That’s why I was questioning what somebody saying they’re a lesbian has to do with all this/why it has to be hidden until after puberty etc. It’s really not a comparable situation at all.

But I agree on having so much sympathy for other LGB people because the pressure for them must be immense. Now that the ‘t’ is lumped in with them they might feel like they can’t speak out without alienating themselves from support from their own community. It’s very hard but I don’t know what the solution is there. Especially since at uni and around I’ve now heard people being encouraged to say ‘queer’ or ‘lgbt’ rather than calling themselves, for example, a lesbian. But if you’re a lesbian you might feel very separate from trans people and if you’re being encouraged to identify just as ‘lgbt’ how will you access specialised support or spaces if needed?

I had what I thought was a brainwave regarding the wedding. I asked if me and his dad could just watch over facetime or if it could be videoed for us to watch later. He said no because 'his boundaries haven't changed and he's not comfortable doing that'. I don't even know what he means by that.

It's become clearer to me that he is more estranged than I realised. I think he probably made his mind up about us from the first day because we didn't immediately affirm. I have been trying to keep communication open and to let him know that we are not rejecting him but because everything has been civil, I don't think I realised that he was withdrawing from us this much. I had hoped that we could live with mutual respect. I was probably being naive.

He says he will reach out to us when he's ready but that could take 'some considerable time'. Anyway, I think I'm done with it now. It's clear he doesn't want us in his life and I'm not going to keep pushing where I'm not welcome. I will leave him to get on with his life and if he does decide to contact me in the future, I will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Thanks to everyone who posted. It's helped massively to be able to mull it all over. I am calmer now. When I first posted I was in a panic as I knew I would probably lose him over this, but I am not going to let him bully or blackmail me. What would be the point. If the only relationship he will tolerate with me is that based on forced speech and thought police, then I'd rather not. No thank you.

Don't be nasty, Crumpets! I see no sign of compromise on her son's part, and plenty on hers!

I'm so sorry, OP. It's a tragedy. I'm watching it play out here, too, and just desperately hoping that she desists before doing herself too much damage, drug/health wise.

The thing is, I do accept him the way he is. I don't have a problem with how he dresses or how he feels himself to be. I just don't want to be forced into joining with it myself. I don't follow the ideology that he does. I have different beliefs. What a mess.

Good luck to you @picklemewalnuts hope it all works out ok. It is long road for anyone caught up with this.

You're thread will die, shortly OP- it's very full!

I do hope that time brings a mellowing to your situation.

You don't accept her because you refuse to acknowledge who she is now. Who she has every right to be.

He can live how he likes. I am happy for him if he is happy. After all, isn't that what we all want for our children.