Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

Not at all surprised he has mental health issues.

Like with men suddenly behaving oddly and we all say 'cherchez la femme', when people have kids who suddenly decide they are trans, it's 'chechez la real issue'.

He's unhappy. He's looking for a cause and a solution. This is a wonderful distraction for him and allows him to avoid the real cause of his unhappiness.

Don't get distracted. Totally agree you shouldn't indulge in the fiction at this point - if he decides to make it legal you can revisit then but he hasn't so it's not an issue now. Focus on why he is unhappy with his life. What his hopes and dreams and aspirations are. Get him moving down a path that will help him achieve his goals. Otherwise he will sit and navel gaze his life away.

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

Totally don’t agree with this view that if you don’t ‘support’ your sons or daughters with literally anything they want to do then you will ‘lose’ then. What a way to be held to ransom and compromise yourself, your views, your beliefs, etc. Again another example of women over a certain age just not mattering a jot and everyone else coming before them

@Nc123 of course people might still do it just because it's going to attract negative attention. People do all sorts of self destructive things. My personal opinion is that true gender dysphoria id actually incredibly rare and that the influx we are seeing is actually a form of body dysmorphia and an expression of deeper lying MH issues and a cultural phenomenom in she same way that anorexia is. We should be having these debates for the sake of our children but nope! A tiny minority of society has turned this into a cult and shoots down anyone that has an alternative opinion so no wonder our kids (and our most vulnerable,messed up kids at that) are so confused...

Not too long ago people would’ve been having these exact conversations about their children being gay and how ‘unacceptable’ it is and how they don’t agree or believe in it etc and now we can’t even imagine that being an issue because it’s so normal.

I can't tell which posts you are referring to. Being gay doesn't require taking cross sex hormones, changing your name or controlling others grammar.

You can respect your child's wishes, or do a Glinner and alienate yourself from them and, by the sounds of it, your other kids.

Up to you innit.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

There are many uni sex names. I would just consider whatever he wants to be called as unisex and call him when he likes. He will never be a woman though and at some point I think this social contagion will stop and he will probably come to realise that for himself.

Ultimately 'woman' to you means only biology so in your world he can never be a woman. 'Woman' to him means something else and when someone can tell us what it means then a conversation can be had. Perhaps he will be the person to actually try and define 'woman' in a non-biological, non stereotypical sense.

Yes he could be a Chris. Or a Sam. Or even Tony/Toni at a push!

Compromise is the key.

I think the OP can express her feelings which are equally valid. Yes parents especially mothers want to support our children through mental health crises especially. However lines can and should be drawn . Sometimes it takes time for our children to settle into their adult lives, and there is always conflict between wanting complete acceptance for their choices and separating from the family unit. It I perfectly ok for the OP to have boundaries, and the son can choose to live somewhere else so it is not a daily battle. Of course we worry but sometimes in the end things change and you will get close again. But be clear that you will not enable surgery or hormones for him.

Ok. There have always been trans folk, even before the current ‘trend

There was always homosexual transexuals and transvestites.

Now a man can simply say I'm a woman. They don't have to even change their appearance and 90% keep their penis.

We also have to pretend that some men aren't sexually aroused by dressing as women, as well as the rise in sissy porn and forced feminisation fantasies.

He got to 23 happily being a man.
I'd say the fact his girlfriend is also wrapped up in identity ideology won't help either, or the poor mental health.

@theqentity

You can respect your child's wishes, or do a Glinner and alienate yourself from them and, by the sounds of it, your other kids.

Up to you innit.

@theqentity

What if your kid decides they wish to murder someone? Do you just go along with it or risk ‘ losing’ then?

Do we as mothers have to go along with everything our offspring choose to do or risk alienating them?! Fuck that! If my kids are so self centred than frankly I don’t mind them alienating me!

Can you not compromise with the name and pronouns even if you don’t support anything more than that? Ok, so it’s going against your grief but this is also someone you supposedly love who is asking for your support.

Tell him you now identify as the Queen and wish to be addressed as such from now on. It's really no different to what he's asking of you. I would have difficulty with this too. Thankfully my son agrees that people cannot change sex and no man can ever live the life of a biological woman or even begin to understand what being a woman is.

[quote Jannt86]@Nc123 of course people might still do it just because it's going to attract negative attention. People do all sorts of self destructive things. My personal opinion is that true gender dysphoria id actually incredibly rare and that the influx we are seeing is actually a form of body dysmorphia and an expression of deeper lying MH issues and a cultural phenomenom in she same way that anorexia is. We should be having these debates for the sake of our children but nope! A tiny minority of society has turned this into a cult and shoots down anyone that has an alternative opinion so no wonder our kids (and our most vulnerable,messed up kids at that) are so confused...[/quote]
Honestly, I do not buy that at all.

Trans people are at massively higher risk of verbal and physical attacks, even of murder. No one is going to go into that lightly or for attention.

What jumps out at me is that his girlfriend is "questioning her gender"

Do you think she is pushing him into his new persona?

[quote Jannt86]@Nc123 of course people might still do it just because it's going to attract negative attention. People do all sorts of self destructive things. My personal opinion is that true gender dysphoria id actually incredibly rare and that the influx we are seeing is actually a form of body dysmorphia and an expression of deeper lying MH issues and a cultural phenomenom in she same way that anorexia is. We should be having these debates for the sake of our children but nope! A tiny minority of society has turned this into a cult and shoots down anyone that has an alternative opinion so no wonder our kids (and our most vulnerable,messed up kids at that) are so confused...[/quote]
Spot on. It won't turn around until the detransitioners' court cases kick in.

Me too @TeaAndStrumpets

@risefromyourgrave

My eldest son went through this, albeit at a younger age (15-18). We went to GIDS and he was all set to be transferred to the adult service when COVID hit. Lockdown really helped us I think. He deferred uni for a year and got a job. I think the bit that helped the most was getting a job, it gave him less time to ‘navel gaze’ for want of a better term.

He’s now happy with who he is, a male with (beautiful!) long hair.
I just wanted to offer some hope that this might not be a permanent state of mind for your son.

Do you think it helped him that you accepted him? I've found with mine that if you militantly oppose something teenagers are doing they seem to become more committed to it, I haven't had the gender thing with mine but I've had the unsuitable girlfriend/boyfriend and I always found it best to be supportive but say something like "Yes he's got lots of good points, shame he hasn't been able to commit to getting his GCSEs and seems to be having such trouble finding a job he likes." Being supportive but sowing the seeds of where he isn't that great.

I think if one of mine was going through this I'd be worried about what a hard road they had in front of them rather than worrying about them changing their name.

I hope he enjoys his beautiful hair, I remember when one of my sons had really long hair, the pressure I had from people about him needing to cut it was awful let alone on him. I'm so glad he enjoyed it as it is clear now that he is losing his hair and he cuts it short.

Trans people are at massively higher risk of verbal and physical attacks, even of murder.

This is false.

@Nc123 Trans people are not at higher risk of murder, and I say that as someone with a lot of sympathy for trans issues.

Has Glinner got a trans child then? Or is that a bizarre non sequitur?

My need to have a good relationship with my child would trump however I felt about this.

He's not hurting anyone. I would be taking him clothes shopping and calling him whatever he wants me to tbh. It's his life, not mine.

The suicidal thoughts and rates in trans people is really high for this reason. If his mum won't support him and be there for him, who will?

Put your feelings in a box and be there for him. I have a son too, and one thing I know is I'd rather have a good relationship with him as a woman than a non existent relationship with him as a man.

@Elsiebear90

I don’t think you have to think TWAW to use respect their choice of pronouns and name, I certainly don’t think you can take hormones and have surgery and magically become a woman, but I do respect everyone’s right to be called and addressed how they wish. Are you really prepared to sacrifice a relationship with your child over this?

In regards to you not believing they are trans and thinking this is just a phase because they never showed any signs before now, my mum couldn’t accept I was gay and neither could my fiancées mum for the same reasons, 15 years later we’re both still very much gay. With the greatest respect mothers often think they know everything about their teenage or adult kids and they really don’t, if your son knows you don’t agree with this then they will have hid it from you.

They’re 23 not 11, I came out at a very similar age and speaking from personal experience it’s very patronising and insulting to try and convince them this is just at phase and that you don’t believe them. My mother has since apologised and things are fine now, but I will never forget how when I needed her the most she made me feel rejected and disgusting.

Please think long and hard about this as it will cause permanent damage to your relationship.

My daughter came out as gay about 5 years ago. Everyone was absolutely fine about it and accepting. Her being gay does not require me to modify my speech.

It won't stop with a name and pronoun will it. He will be wanting me to refer to him as my daughter, put away old photographs, erase my past, tell people I gave birth to a girl, reinvent myself to fit around his fiction.

Participating in delusions is sometimes kind (white lies to avoid hurting feelings). But there are other times when participating in delusions is actively harmful (affirming an anorexic and agreeing they are too thin). I think it's a good idea to follow your instincts on the matter, OP.

@Nc123 Trans people are NOT subject to more violence/murder in the UK. Stop gaslighting people.

Anyone interested in a truthful look at this can do so here: unherd.com/2022/01/the-truth-about-trans-murders/