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Original poster

AIBU, how was I racist?

319 replies

tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 22:31

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

OP posts:
substrate · 15/03/2022 22:33

has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it.

What was he doing to his phone?

MarthaFokker · 15/03/2022 22:34

He called you Maam?

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 22:35

Peering at the phone?

I would have assumed lost too but I probably wouldn't have said anything they have there phone so can navigate

Rainbowshit · 15/03/2022 22:37

I can't see anything racist in that.

Original poster
tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 22:49

Sorry, fat fingers, peering at his phone. People often ask me for directions, we live in the middle of a city, lots of students. Husband was nearby otherwise I might not have been so, what i thought was friendly/helpful. But it's a friendly neighbourhood.

OP posts:
Original poster
tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 22:51

Yeap, he called me maam! Mid fifties! I suppose at least he was polite!

OP posts:
LizBennet · 15/03/2022 22:55

Ma'am 🤔 Didn't think it was used in this country.

TheHaveN0ts · 15/03/2022 22:56

Was he black / Chinese / Pakistani? Was he a different race to you???

substrate · 15/03/2022 22:56

Is the neighbourhood/village/borough/city predominantly one ethnicity and he was a minority or different ethnicity and could have thought that you were challenging / questioning his presence in a predominantly “other” ethnicity area?

It does happen, sadly. “You’re not from around here” kind of prejudice. Just a thought, not saying that’s what actually happened.

substrate · 15/03/2022 22:58

@LizBennet

Ma'am 🤔 Didn't think it was used in this country.
I didn’t either. Are you in the south of the USA, OP?
ScreamingBeans · 15/03/2022 23:01

Why do you care?

RoastedFerret · 15/03/2022 23:01

@LizBennet

Ma'am 🤔 Didn't think it was used in this country.
Maybe the person isn't originally from the UK? I buy from quite a few people from India for my business and they call me ma'am in every communication.
Levithian · 15/03/2022 23:01

I presume your question made him feel as if he didn't look like he fit in in your community.
People are on their phones all the time- I'd feel it was a bit strange if someone asked me if I knew where I was going just because I was looking at a phone.

50DaysAF · 15/03/2022 23:03

Yeah he probably took it as a ‘you don’t look like you belong here’ challenge.
Or ‘you look like you are behaving suspiciously’ challenge.
Rather then a genuine ‘you look like you need help’ remark.

CantStandMeCow · 15/03/2022 23:06

Yeah he’ll have assumed you meant he looked like he didn’t belong here. But no, I wouldn’t say it was racist. You’d have said the same to white person staring at their phone?

WelshyMaud · 15/03/2022 23:09

People are on their phones all the time- I'd feel it was a bit strange if someone asked me if I knew where I was going just because I was looking at a phone

Yes I thought this too. Why would you ask if he knew where he was going? I can't imagine asking a random adult this, half the people you encounter out and about are staring at a phone.

MurmuratingStarling · 15/03/2022 23:18

Confused ???

Original poster
tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 23:19

Thankyou! Yes, that makes sense, although definitely wasn't my intention. We were walking up steps so personally I wouldnt look at my phone, but then I forget young people look at their phones all the time. Looks like an age misunderstanding. 😳

OP posts:
Margot78 · 15/03/2022 23:20

Maybe he felt the question implied that you thought he was up to something or didn’t belong there and that you were making negative assumptions because of his race. It probably seems a bit of an extreme reaction but the subtle and unsubtle racism that some people have to put up with even in this day and age can understandably lead to innocent remarks being misunderstood. Imagine if you went to a posh event and someone took one look at you presumed you were lost. This was an unfortunate misunderstanding and not nice for you to be challenged like that when you were trying to help. I guess the lesson here is wait to be asked.

Psuedoshoes · 15/03/2022 23:31

Of course ma'am is common in this country. It's used every day in the armed forces for one thing, past and present Confused

substrate · 15/03/2022 23:37

@Psuedoshoes

Of course ma'am is common in this country. It's used every day in the armed forces for one thing, past and present Confused
I thought it was primarily used for royalty. Is it commonly used among civilians?

I’ve been called a not-quite-mum sounding word by a prefect giving me a tour of an independent school. She wasn’t saying ma’am as in ham but marm or mum or similar.

TheOrigRights · 15/03/2022 23:48

I don't think you were racist, but it was quite odd to just come out and ask whether he needed directions.

MarthaFokker · 15/03/2022 23:54

@Psuedoshoes

Of course ma'am is common in this country. It's used every day in the armed forces for one thing, past and present Confused
How does it being used in the armed forces make it common, unless the OP forgot to tell us she lives on an army base or something?
Onthelowdown · 16/03/2022 00:00

Could be his past experiences shaping his perceptions or interpreting your tone of voice in an accusatory way (or you sounding accusatory without realising)

I’d be a bit confused if I was on my phone and you offered me directions but then again I’m white and middle class so I’ve never had to worry that I didn’t belong or wasn’t welcome anywhere…

PinkGinBigGrin · 16/03/2022 00:07

Of course it wasn't racist.

Assuming he was black/Asian he obviously thought what you meant was "what are you doing around here?" and that you thought he looked dodgy.

I guess maybe he has had to deal with situations like that before and it's made him a bit paranoid.