AIBU, how was I racist?

[tumpymummy]

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

To be honest I once was in the situation where I was having my leisurely walk and couldn’t decide which way to go, and also had to reply to one urgent message. One nice young woman stopped and asked with a worried voice “are you ok? Do you need any help?”. My feelings were mixed. I was pleasantly surprised by hell being offered but at the same time confused of why she thought a woman in her mid 30s who’s clearly not drunk needs someone’s assistant in the middle of the day? I’m white. So I can imagine why this person was confused too. He may have heard OP’s way of asking used in a wrong way.

It just sounds like a misunderstanding. A non event.

I get you were trying to be helpful, but people will ask if they need your help. For all you know, the guy may have lived in the area for longer than you and have better knowledge on the streets. Something in you must have made you assume he was “lost” or somewhere where he “doesn’t belong”. Or do you go up to every person looking at their phone?

Don't play dumb. Of course you can work out why someone else might have interpreted that as a racially motivated questioning.

@LizBennet

Ma'am 🤔 Didn't think it was used in this country.

OP didn't mention which country she is in.

My DS's seemed very confused by what racism actually is. This seemed to follow the Y8 PDSL lessons at school when as parents, we all laughed at the things we'd subsequently been accused of. I think the school did a particularly bad job of educating them about racism.

I remember saying I didn't particularly like Chinese takeaway food... That made me a racist apparently. Obviously, we had a conversation about why this is not a racist comment.

I wonder if youngsters just don't understand what racism is.

Your intent wasn't racist, so I wouldn't dwell on it but perhaps be more mindful of asking random people if they need directions. Their perception of what you said might have appeared racist to them because of past experiences, ie people assuming they don't fit into their community or are from elsewhere because of the colour of their skin which asking do you know where you're going could suggest you think the same. Remember they don't know you and you don't know them, so they said it based just on what you said rather any context.

I wonder if youngsters just don't understand what racism is.

Many white youngsters sure, I'm more than sure others are more than aware of what racism is as they live it and are subjected to it. Although in your example if you genuinely just said you didn't like Chinese takeaway food then no that's not, if like some do you made a song and dance about how gross it was then maybe. Its not for you to decide anyway.

@waltzingparrot

My DS's seemed very confused by what racism actually is. This seemed to follow the Y8 PDSL lessons at school when as parents, we all laughed at the things we'd subsequently been accused of. I think the school did a particularly bad job of educating them about racism.

I remember saying I didn't particularly like Chinese takeaway food... That made me a racist apparently. Obviously, we had a conversation about why this is not a racist comment.

I wonder if youngsters just don't understand what racism is.

I've had similar conversations with my children.

I've never met a black person who didn't understand what racism was though...

If we accept the OP wasn't being racist then can we not extend a bit of empathy to the man concerned who might have had different experiences?

You assumed he was lost, he assumed you were assuming he couldn't know where he was (going) for racist reasons.

Generally assumptions are unhelpful.

I would put it down to a misunderstanding on both sides. This does not mean you were making racist assumptions, only you can know if you were or not. But I can understand why if that person has felt they have been treated like an 'outsider' before might be more prone to assume that is what people are thinking - but then they are making unfounded assumptions about you too.

OP didn't mention which country she is in

I know Sherlock, I'm as presumptuous as they are 🕵️‍♀️

@Levithian

I presume your question made him feel as if he didn't look like he fit in in your community. People are on their phones all the time- I'd feel it was a bit strange if someone asked me if I knew where I was going just because I was looking at a phone.

this

@waltzingparrot

My DS's seemed very confused by what racism actually is. This seemed to follow the Y8 PDSL lessons at school when as parents, we all laughed at the things we'd subsequently been accused of. I think the school did a particularly bad job of educating them about racism.

I remember saying I didn't particularly like Chinese takeaway food... That made me a racist apparently. Obviously, we had a conversation about why this is not a racist comment.

I wonder if youngsters just don't understand what racism is.

I would be cautious about we all laughed at the things we'd subsequently been accused of because IMO I am still learning about what is and isn't racist etc. I am white and so I do not know what it is like, so I just try to listen.

If someone accused me of racism, even my child, I would try to think it over not dismiss it, in case I was incorrect.

Because black people, particularly young black men are often questioned for just being in certain areas the way whiten people aren’t. They’re 9 times more likely to be stopped and searched by UK police and ‘can I help you?’ From someone in a neighbourhood is often then first ‘you don’t belong here’ sign from white residents.
It’s awful, and it’s why he may have assumed racial bias against him.
Ask yourself - would you have said the same thing to a whiten person? If so, fine . If not, that’s probably racial bias.
From his POV he probably encounters racial bias all the time.
From yours you were being genuinely helpful.
But as people
Do look at their phones all the time I’d be surprised if you asked me this unless I looked really lost.

‘ I wonder if youngsters just don't understand what racism is.’

I’d bet my house that a young black man knows EXACTLY what racism is.

You haven't said your ethnicity or his so I'm starting here with my own assumption. That you are white and he is not.

It sounds like he thought you were suspicious and subtly trying to see what he was up to. That you had decided he was up to no good.

Sadly, that does actually happen a lot so my second assumption is he's experienced it a lot and is sick of it.

Not meaning to be racist isn't actually a defense though.
Being racist is not just about shouting offensive slurs at someone.
I would definitely (on the basis of this thread) wonder if OP was being racist, perhaps unconsciously. She says she didn't mean her comment in a "what are you doing round here?" type way, but in a "can I help type way?" but not meaning it doesn't mean it wasn't. A bit like a man walking behind a woman on a dark night might be perfectly harmless, but equally he might not, so he should think about how his actions look to others. As others have said, I'm not sure why OP would jump to the conclusion that a random young man looking at his phone was lost otherwise. Young men with phones know how to use Google Maps.

I still remember a girl in my younger sister's class. Whenever the teachers asked her to do something or corrected her work or brought her up for speaking in class she'd say "it's because I'm black." and accuse them of being racist.

Unfortunately she drove away quite a few friends by this behaviour and exhibited very low effort in school because in her mind it was racist to be asked to do schoolwork or anything she didn't want to do???

I do think as an earlier poster stated some young people do not know what racism is. They've been amped up to challenge racism which is wonderful, but don't have a good idea who the targets are so fire away at all kinds of things.

I'm white and have been asked several times if I'm lost and need directions. I've always seen it as something nice and helpful and just answered with a polite 'no thank you i' m fine' if I didn't need directions. I am admittedly quite often lost though and find it hard to approach people so I've had positive experiences with people asking if I need help. My experiences might have differed if I were a different race, though I would still hope I'd remain polite and assume innocence until a person proved they were otherwise.

I don't think it was racist either, OP. But he's allowed to perceive it that way.

I saw something similar on LinkedIn a while ago where someone said they walking back from work and a white jogger came along, crossed to the other side of the road, and crossed back later on. The walker was black and said it was racist. I saw a lot of the comments referred to people crossing the road because of covid, and I do it myself, regularly, having got in the habit of it during the pandemic. I had not thought it could be perceived that way if the person I was crossing the road to give space to wasn't white.

Don't offer help until it's requested is probably the best option in your case!

I do think as an earlier poster stated some young people do not know what racism is. They've been amped up to challenge racism which is wonderful, but don't have a good idea who the targets are so fire away at all kinds of things.

so from one anecdote from one person who was probably on the wind up anyway, you've concluded this? How very ignorant. By the way you absolutely didn't need to clarify you were white in your post, its very very obvious.

Maybe asking for people who have been at the receiving end of racism to respond might have been better. Black mumsnetters board would have given you deeper insight and nuance then.

Otherwise it's all a bit "no hun course you're not racist"

@Somuddled

Don't play dumb. Of course you can work out why someone else might have interpreted that as a racially motivated questioning.

I agree, MN has a steady trickle of these wide-eyed disingenuous “but how could this possibly be racist” threads.

@Lovelteers

Because black people, particularly young black men are often questioned for just being in certain areas the way whiten people aren’t. They’re 9 times more likely to be stopped and searched by UK police and ‘can I help you?’ From someone in a neighbourhood is often then first ‘you don’t belong here’ sign from white residents. It’s awful, and it’s why he may have assumed racial bias against him. Ask yourself - would you have said the same thing to a whiten person? If so, fine . If not, that’s probably racial bias. From his POV he probably encounters racial bias all the time. From yours you were being genuinely helpful. But as people Do look at their phones all the time I’d be surprised if you asked me this unless I looked really lost.

this with bells on!

I agree, MN has a steady trickle of these wide-eyed disingenuous “but how could this possibly be racist” threads.

Yep.