AIBU, how was I racist?

[tumpymummy]

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

@LizBennet

I agree, MN has a steady trickle of these wide-eyed disingenuous “but how could this possibly be racist” threads.

Yep.

Hmmm. I didn’t know this was happening. How fucking tedious.

By the way you absolutely didn't need to clarify you were white in your post, its very very obvious.

This^

My best friend gets asked a lot of "can I help you?", I didn't really understand what they meant until I saw it happen multiple times in a day. Its a "can I help you?" That usually implies in a shop that they are watching him for shoplifting, or that he doesn't belong. It's same can I help you that you'd give if you saw someone trespassing across your front garden that implies that they don't belong there. In his neighbourhood it feels like people are trying to use it to hurry him along or because they feel he is scouting the area for burglaries or even more simply because people assume someone that looks like him couldn't possibly be living in the area

Agree with this. 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" = 'you don't look like you belong here'. And if all he's doing is looking at his phone, as most people do every day, why would he look like he didn't belong in that neighbourhood?

To all those people saying it isn't racist, I'd have a good, hard look at your behaviour. Racism isn't just making monkey noises every time the black player gets the ball. It's not just beating someone up in the pub, the same way that abuse isn't just hitting someone. This kind of assumption that someone doesn't fit or belong is a (not so) micro-aggression.

So instead of holding up your hands in horror that someone's accused you of racism, why not ask yourself how this young man felt. What drove him to the point of feeling like this was racist? Could it just be that walking around white, middle-class neighbourhoods he always feels like he's slightly under suspicion? There is a lot more racism out there than we care to acknowledge.

Hmmm. I didn’t know this was happening. How fucking tedious.

A lot of them are "My grandma said this, is it/she racist?" all wide eyed faux confusion.

I was walking near town at night and looking at my phone as I walked along. A guy pulled up and asked if I was lost, I said ‘no’ sounding confused and he explained he thought I might be as I was looking at my phone.

I thought perhaps he could have realized I might have seen it as threatening to have a man pull up to me at night, but then if I had been lost and gone the wrong way I could have ended up in a close by dodgy area. So I think he was just being helpful.
I didn’t feel threatened as it happens. He was smiley and friendly and pulled up a little way from me so not within grabbing distance.

I'm not seeing the link between someone staring at their phone and being lost?
Most people you see these days are glued to their phones 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why would you ask if he knew where he was going? I can't imagine asking a random adult this, half the people you encounter out and about are staring at a phone.
I've asked people if they were OK/looking for somewhere in this scenario, and have had it asked of me. It's really not unimaginable .
Admittedly sometimes I get it wrong and they've just been looking at something on their phone, as we all do; but sometimes it HAS been someone looking for somewhere. It's a completely normal and friendly thing to do IMO.
OP, I don't think you were racist, no, and can only think, as pps say, he might have thought you were using that as a pretext to challenge/ question his presence.

@limitedperiodonly

Your mistake was offering a young man help OP. You made it worse by being a middle aged woman. Men, especially young ones would rather wander round in circles for days gradually succumbing to thirst than ask someone if they knew where the bus stop was. That's unless they could say to a fellow man in an exaggerated deep voice: "Oi! Mate! Know where the bus stop is? Chiz mate!"

Despite that I still sometimes ask people if they need directions. I live in a very touristy part of London and phones aren't all they're cracked up to be. I often see muddled people in need of my assistance.

People usually take it well but some wary travellers behave as if I am a menopausal advance scout for a gang of people-traffickers or kidney-harvesters. Men are the most suspicious - they probably feel I am challenging their hunter instincts while in charge of their women-folk on foreign territory.

I was called a Karen once by a young man I advised not to leave his pretty spaniel tied up outside Waitrose. It's a nice area round here which accounts for the propensity of thefts of nice dogs from people who leave them tied up outside while they are buying oat milk.

I forgave him. He obviously felt he was being ticked off. He was.

Another one here who agrees you were being helpful and not racist.

I'm of the age where if I'm on a walk and pass another human being I will always offer a cheerful "hello" or similar appropriate to the time or day. Young people will often look at me as if I'm Jack the Ripper. I think it's a generation thing sometimes that some people just don't do interactions with strangers unless their life literally depends on it.

And actually I'd be quite upset if I wasn't being at all racist yet someone who misinterpreted what I'd said/done as so loudly and publicly announced that. Before you know it you could be on YouTube or going viral as Racist Karen for trying to be helpful

Who had 8.09a.m in the sweepstake for the first “playing/pulling the racist card” post? Collect your prize from the front desk, it’s this lovely hamper of Robertsons jam.

Not one but TWO "racist cards" within 7 minutes.
Shout out also to "Real racism is horrific BUT..:"

Anything said or done can be misconstrued every which way as far as I can tell! Surely it often says more about the interpretation than the intent? 'Seek and ye shall find' and all that?

You'll be saying next that letting someone go through the doors to a supermarket or the like could be construed as being patronising or demonstrating some form of 'ism'.

Where does it end?

@MarthaFokker

He called you Maam?

American poster presumably

Seems a massive overreaction to me.

I've certainly been called ma'am though, but only by non white men and mostly overseas eg Asia, I don't like it as it's a bit too close to colonialism to me, makes me uncomfortable.

On the other hand l, Dd is armed forces and she is called ma'am by the ratings which I find hilarious

Surely it often says more about the interpretation than the intent?

More likely, as a young black man he has encountered numerous instances of negative stereotyping and therefore is understandably sensitive to it.

You were trying to be helpful, OP. I think the bloke interpreted it incorrectly as "you don't look like you're from around her, can I help you find where it is you're looking to go?"
Misunderstanding. Let it go. You weren't being racist.

hey maam

Are you the queen?

You don't get to decide if it was racist or not.
He does.

@RantyAunty

You don't get to decide if it was racist or not. He does.

this

@RantyAunty

You don't get to decide if it was racist or not. He does.

Agreed.

I used to get called Ma’am when I worked in a boys (state) school. That was the culture they encouraged there.

My 16 year-old DD sometimes calls me Ma’am (she calls me Sir sometimes too 😂) I don’t really know why but assume it’s probably come from something she’s seen on TikTok. It amuses me anyway.