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Original poster

AIBU, how was I racist?

319 replies

tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 22:31

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 16/03/2022 02:04

Your assumption that he might not be alright and that he should be going somewhere is a strange one to make from seeing someone look at their phone.

It sounds like he interpreted it as you felt he didn't belong in your neighbourhood and should get going. You assumed someone who looked like him wouldn't be living in your area or have a good reason to be there so you ere suggesting he go wherever he was going.

The way you worded your question didn't really sound like an offer of help but more of an assumption laden comment.

Topseyt · 16/03/2022 02:05

You weren't racist, but I do find it very odd that you assume people looking at their phones are lost!

I don't walk along looking at my phone, but very many people do. It isn't at all unusual.

AtlasPine · 16/03/2022 02:10

It could be seen and certainly felt as a micro aggression. Easy to do without overt racist intention but understandably perceived as racist. I’d have said sorry, that wasn’t my intention at all but I can see how it could have felt. Don’t feel bad but learn from it.

Movingonup22 · 16/03/2022 03:39

I did the exact y same thing to a middle aged white woman peering at her phone on my street the other day! But she was just reading a message. She thanked me.

I think it probably shows though that it wouldn’t cross her mind I could be being racist - so probably this man had a history of being treated differently.

You did nothing wrong - and while his response was unfair in this case it’s also a
But crap if it means that he would expect the default to be he was treated poorly

yzed · 16/03/2022 03:43

Hmm, so many posters convinced they know the colour of this young guy's skin as well as whether it'd be natural for you to offer directions in your part of town!

The culture of nearly everyone owning/carrying a phone has made changes to our world. I have to stop myself from assuming someone's talking to me when they start up a conversation right beside me (talking on phone).

But maybe there's a better way of saying "do you want directions", that won't offend anyone (even mumsnetters). How about "Hi", or "Right?" or something like that? They they can ask or just carry on with whatever they're doing.

Touchy world.

Thisisit2022 · 16/03/2022 05:18

Maybe he said "man?" As in "Hey man, that was really racist".

Stopsnowing · 16/03/2022 05:45

I will often ask if people are kid if they are standing looking around looking puzzled or at a map/phone but not if they were just looking at a phone. He thought you were challenging his right to be there. But it was a misunderstanding and you should move on.

Leol · 16/03/2022 05:59

This is a bit of a non-event. I’ve been called all sorts of things in the street. It isn’t pleasant but I wouldn’t agonise over it. You asked a slightly odd question, he took it the wrong way.

Krakenchorus · 16/03/2022 06:02

You were attempting to be helpful. He took your question the wrong way. You were not being racist. He has perhaps had previous experiences of similar questions being racist. He was in the wrong to jump to that conclusion based on thin evidence in this instance, but you can understand why he might.

Two different ways of seeing the world. It's nice that you're reflecting on it. I hope he is, too.

NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing · 16/03/2022 06:05

Tbh, I've had people ask me of I'm alright and know where I'm going when walking down the street with my phone out. But only when I've also been looking around confused. And sometimes not even then. But then, I'm white and so no one is going to assume I'm somewhere I shouldn't be...

When I've been using my phone for directions, no one has ever asked presumably because I'm on my phone looking at directions.

I have, however, been offered unwarranted assistance in shops and I know that it's often code for, "I've clocked you."

I'm assuming the OP is white and the man in question black because otherwise the exchange couldn't be perceived as racist. Maybe there was an element of unconscious bias in the OP's asking.

However, if someone misunderstood me in this way, I'd give more mind to their previous experience that made them feel that was a likely explanation than be upset about it for myself.

NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing · 16/03/2022 06:14

Hmm, so many posters convinced they know the colour of this young guy's skin

Well, he has to be a different race/ethnicity to the OP or it couldn't have been perceived as racist.

It's likely the OP is white for her to have so little understanding of why this could be perceived as racist.

Ergo...

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 06:23

I’ve never had anyone ask me if I’m lost when I’ve had my phone out.

But I do know a lot of people who’ve been asked if they’re from round here or ask if need any help in a way that means they need to leave the area - none are white.

There was a post yesterday about police officers escorting two brothers home as they ‘hadn’t seen them round there before’ and wanted to prove they lived there.

Your intentions were kind and non racist but he’s probably had this many times before when people’s intentions were racist so I get why he was defensive.

AnIconOfImperfections · 16/03/2022 06:32

No, you weren’t racist. The phone peerer may have misinterpreted your helpful nature. Shame as next time someone does need some assistance, you probably won’t ask if they’re ok after being told your actions were ‘racist’.

No good deed goes unpunished 🤷🏻‍♀️

AnIconOfImperfections · 16/03/2022 06:33

@yzed

Hmm, so many posters convinced they know the colour of this young guy's skin as well as whether it'd be natural for you to offer directions in your part of town!

The culture of nearly everyone owning/carrying a phone has made changes to our world. I have to stop myself from assuming someone's talking to me when they start up a conversation right beside me (talking on phone).

But maybe there's a better way of saying "do you want directions", that won't offend anyone (even mumsnetters). How about "Hi", or "Right?" or something like that? They they can ask or just carry on with whatever they're doing.

Touchy world.

Well the guy said ‘you were racist’ Confused
Ddot · 16/03/2022 06:36

Must have assumed you thought he was casing out the place.
You ain't from around here boy!
Get off my land!
If your in an area that's a complicated set up and often find lost travelers, then just forget it, you know you were just trying to be nice.

Idkiibu · 16/03/2022 06:37

@Levithian
I absolutely agree.
There was no need to offer help, OP.

DoobryWhatsit · 16/03/2022 06:39

UK teacher here: the kids call the female staff "ma'am" or even "madam" at my current school. It did take me a while to get used to (I'd only ever heard "miss" before) but it's definitely not just an American thing.

DoobryWhatsit · 16/03/2022 06:41

Re racism, you have to remember that everything you say/do is against a backdrop of non-stop, every day racism. So you can't really get annoyed if someone jumps to the wrong conclusion.

IchabodCrane · 16/03/2022 06:42

Seems that he misunderstood but you did a nice thing.
My Gmaps sends me in circles, so many a time I’ve been rescued by a kind stranger reacting to my confused phone staring. However I was looking at phone, then at streets… clearly looking for directions.

stuntbubbles · 16/03/2022 06:52

I’m always asked for directions and 99% of the time it’s by someone peering at their phone, rather than just having their phone out, so I’d probably do the same thing and assume he was lost. Not racist, but equally your intent doesn’t matter if it was perceived as such.

crossstitchingnana · 16/03/2022 06:55

It's his prejudice at play. He assumed you were coming from a racist standpoint, and you weren't. In a way it was his "bad". Let it go.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 16/03/2022 06:55

@substrate

Is the neighbourhood/village/borough/city predominantly one ethnicity and he was a minority or different ethnicity and could have thought that you were challenging / questioning his presence in a predominantly “other” ethnicity area?

It does happen, sadly. “You’re not from around here” kind of prejudice. Just a thought, not saying that’s what actually happened.

This is definitely what happened. Imagine being a minority person walking into a white working class pub….

“Hey Mate? You lost?”

NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing · 16/03/2022 06:58

@crossstitchingnana

It's his prejudice at play. He assumed you were coming from a racist standpoint, and you weren't. In a way it was his "bad". Let it go.
His bad?

What? Like it's women's bad for crossing the street when a man approaches? Or not wanting to go to a stranger's house on a first date even though his intentions might be honourable?

Give some thought to why he might have perceived the encounter in this way.

burnthur5t · 16/03/2022 07:02

I never make eye contact with strangers and I'd certainly never talk to one

TheVanguardSix · 16/03/2022 07:03

Short answer, no, you weren't racist in the least.

That's his shit to unpack. Don't dwell on it.