AIBU, how was I racist?

[tumpymummy]

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

@RantyAunty

You don't get to decide if it was racist or not. He does.

Agreed also.

@Peasock

I do think as an earlier poster stated some young people do not know what racism is. They've been amped up to challenge racism which is wonderful, but don't have a good idea who the targets are so fire away at all kinds of things.

so from one anecdote from one person who was probably on the wind up anyway, you've concluded this? How very ignorant. By the way you absolutely didn't need to clarify you were white in your post, its very very obvious.

Actually this is not the only instance. I've seen it quite a few times in various races.

In the example I put in, I think she was suffering from low self esteem caused by identity issues. She was mixed and very passing white end of the spectrum, but identified as black. That must have been a difficult place to be as a teen, and I think her mindset of thinking of herself going through constant racism which due to the media she watched was a prominent part of the black identity for her was a comfort.

Most if not all of the other cases were caused by poor education or being amped up after prominent racism shown in news and wanting to fight back but not having a target.

I suppose being autistic I've always had a hard time seeing race. It's something I have to consciously do. I can't count the amount of times someone has brought up their race while I'm talking to them or the race of a TV character and I've done a bit of a double take as I've seen them as people and bringing classifications into it can be difficult for me.

I've also had people judge me poorly on sight. My dyspraxia was very prominent during child and teen years. I've walked down streets and had every child (several during a short walk) shooed inside by their mother's when I came into sight. Perhaps they thought me drunk or were just suspicious of the awkward incredibly uncoordinated teenager. Either way discrimination is not nice to go through.

So I understand this man may have had negative experiences. I do like looking at the whole picture though.

Personally I've lashed out at people who made similar statements to ones used to harass me in the past, assuming they were doing the same. Upon discovering they were innocent I felt terrible. I think partly due to that despite my lifetime of discrimination and harassment due to my disabilities, I endeavor to remain polite and not assume things.

This situation seems a simple misunderstanding. She was being friendly and did no wrong. He due to either past experience or poor definition of racism (possibly feeling hurt and wanting to lash out in some way) assumed something he should not have. I hope the interaction was a learning experience for him. I speak from experience that it's a terrible mindset for both yourself and others to go through life assuming the worst of people.

"You don't get to decide if it was racist or not.
He does."

There is no logic in the statement - I have heard it applied to bullying and other alleged "phobic" behaviour. This statement basically says anyone can claim anything if they have a protected characteristic. Of course anyone can have a view but it does mean that there is view is correct - if the man through it was racist it is of course his opinion based on past experience etc etc. That does not mean it was racist.

In this case no the OP was not racist in my view.

I also don’t see anything wrong with what the OP said.

A teaching tool for recognising examples of micro aggressions.

Real racism is horrific but pulling the racist card just dilutes peoples perception

Hard to know where to start with that one but I'll try. As I said upthread, racism isn't just the screamingly obvious violence or name-calling. Something drives that behaviour. There's always a current and an undertow that make behaving in that way acceptable to some people. And seemingly innocuous comments are a sign of that undertow. So yes, asking 'are you lost?' or similar can be racist. It's not diluting perception to say that. If anything, it should be raising awareness. If you can gradually change that undertow, then the larger aggressions can become less and less accepted.

You weren’t being racist, you thought he was lost.

He appears to have misinterpreted what you intention was. That may well be based on his past experience, but it doesn’t mean you were being racist.

Forget it. And don’t stop being friendly - 99% of the time people appreciate it.

@Darkma - I'm interested to see the one about "Just one race, the human race" in there - isn't that part of what critical race theory is about?

I mean, there are a bunch of people now who don't believe in race, in that it's a social construction, not a biological fact - but that comment is part of that thought pathway, I'm pretty sure.

@ChuckBerrysBoots

I’ve been called Ma’am as a teacher in comprehensive schools in England. It’s not that unusual.

I was at school in the London Borough of Havering and Ma'am for the female teachers was the norm.

So, if the OP chose not to offer the same help to any POC now, is that also racist?

(You were not racist, OP, obviously).

A thought - if the genders were reversed and the OP was called ‘sexist’, that would also make no sense. Would someone start a thread asking if there was a micro-aggression there?

He sounds like a wanker and has just made the world a slightly more miserable place.

I know, from reading this thread, that I won't off er to help anyone of a different race to me in case they think I'm patronising at best or racist at worse.

You were not racist. Yes, he gets to decide whether he thinks your motives were racist or not. But you know whether they actually were or not.

But... assuming someone is lost because they are looking at their phone is ridiculous, whatever age you are.

We live in a very strange world where random acts of kindness can be misconstrued so massively.

@Ddot

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Please read this part of a PP post as you have seemed to have missed and not digested it -

To all those people saying it isn't racist, I'd have a good, hard look at your behaviour. Racism isn't just making monkey noises every time the black player gets the ball. It's not just beating someone up in the pub, the same way that abuse isn't just hitting someone. This kind of assumption that someone doesn't fit or belong is a (not so) micro-aggression.

@RantyAunty

You don't get to decide if it was racist or not. He does.

This! Maybe read up on the daily micro aggressions that poc have to put up with!

Stopping and asking an adult who is looking at their phone "do you know where you are going" isn't a random act of kindness
I'd probably bristle myself to be honest and take it as a "what are you doing here?!"
Unless he'd whipped out a map and was looking around thoroughly confused, why would you ask that?

@AledsiPad

So, if the OP chose not to offer the same help to any POC now, is that also racist?

(You were not racist, OP, obviously).

No because it is completely normal and has been for over a decade for people to be dumb walkers e.g. walking glued to what is happening on the screen of their phones.

My DP has had to stop people from walking out in front of traffic.

All these people bristling at someone trying to do something nice. Stay at home and don't go out without someone to take you by the hand.

Bristling! Really! Bollocks.

I know, from reading this thread, that I won't off er to help anyone of a different race to me in case they think I'm patronising at best or racist at worse.

Negatively stereotyping a whole group for the actions of one, is textbook racism.

I hope the OP comes back, to understand why the boy may have assumed their comment to be racist, because they have to deal with dickheads like the above all day long. Your intent was certainly not racist, but it must be exhausting to have to deal with so many people that are racist.

@RedWingBoots Surely the assumption that someone looking at a map is from out of town is a reasonable one?

The biggest mistake we make is to go on the offensive when behaviours are pointed out instead of thanking the person who pointed it out for bringing our attention room to it. We only see extremes in racism and feel we can’t possibly be accused of it without being evil. But we pretty well all do it without meaning to do so. Often because we don’t see how our innocently meant behaviours can look through the eyes of others. The only shame is not taking it on board and learning from it. It’s ok to do that.

@AledsiPad

So, if the OP chose not to offer the same help to any POC now, is that also racist?

(You were not racist, OP, obviously).

But she wasn’t asked for help? She chose to offer ‘help’ - was that really from a place of being helpful or because she felt that person did not belong? Obviously, the latter, otherwise why post about it? With the faux indignation as well 🤔🤔

So every time I am in a shop and a shop assistant asks if they can help me, am I to assume that is a dig that I don't look as if I can afford to be shopping there, or that I am up to 'no good'?

@LizBennet

Ma'am 🤔 Didn't think it was used in this country.

How do you know she's in "this" country, it's the internet! I'm not in "this" country either (which I presume is the UK