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Original poster

AIBU, how was I racist?

319 replies

tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 22:31

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

OP posts:

Kinsters · 16/03/2022 00:09

I agree that everyone else is probably bang on. I once had a similar situation at work where I asked a guy if he needed any help and he got annoyed with me. It did make me consider more carefully whether I was being biased in certain situations.

WineGetsMeThroughIt · 16/03/2022 00:11

I had a 25yr old male colleague call me ma'am last week. I told him to never call me that again because it makes me feel like an old lady. I'm 41 🥴

ChuckBerrysBoots · 16/03/2022 00:11

I’ve been called Ma’am as a teacher in comprehensive schools in England. It’s not that unusual.

Coyoacan · 16/03/2022 00:13

I've always felt that it would be hard not to be paranoid if I were black or brown. So many people are nasty racists but some people are just nasty or grumpy, or in the case of the OP, only trying to be helpful.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 16/03/2022 00:16

I get 'maam'd at work. Fairly usual in emergency services.

LizBennet · 16/03/2022 00:16

Oh God has ma'am just passed me by because I've been young and hip 🥴
I'm on my 40s now, it's possibly on the cards.

AwayInMyMind · 16/03/2022 00:17

Are you lost could = what are.you doing around here/you must be lost because you obviously don't belong here.

Allaboutthatvase · 16/03/2022 00:25

I think he took it in one of two ways

that you thought he looked foreign so thus obviously couldn't be from your neighbourhood or this country
he thought you felt he was up to no good presumably because of race

My best friend gets asked a lot of "can I help you?", I didn't really understand what they meant until I saw it happen multiple times in a day. Its a "can I help you?" That usually implies in a shop that they are watching him for shoplifting, or that he doesn't belong. It's same can I help you that you'd give if you saw someone trespassing across your front garden that implies that they don't belong there. In his neighbourhood it feels like people are trying to use it to hurry him along or because they feel he is scouting the area for burglaries or even more simply because people assume someone that looks like him couldn't possibly be living in the area

It's hard because each person only asked if they could help, it's just the undercurrent felt

LaraDeSalle · 16/03/2022 00:25

Perhaps he thought you said, ‘Are you white?’

Bromse · 16/03/2022 00:31

@substrate

has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it.

What was he doing to his phone?

I wondered about that (maybe it's a 'foreign' thing :-)).

Op, he was just winding you up. You said nothing racist, forget it.

Divebar2021 · 16/03/2022 00:36

People who look a bit lost definitely have a distinct look about them… they do not just look like a person looking at their phone. I’ve had a person on the streets of New York come up and ask me if I needed some help with directions and I did. Nothing racist from what I can tell.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/03/2022 00:38

I would also think he made assumptions that you were implying that he shouldn't be where he was, rather than that you were being helpful in case he needed directions!

You were not racist in asking him if he needed help; but his past experiences may have made him feel as though you were telling him he was in the wrong place because of his skin colour.

Next time you'll know not to offer help or directions of anyone of a different skin tone to yourself though, just in case!

ihatesoaps · 16/03/2022 00:49

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I would also think he made assumptions that you were implying that he shouldn't be where he was, rather than that you were being helpful in case he needed directions!

You were not racist in asking him if he needed help; but his past experiences may have made him feel as though you were telling him he was in the wrong place because of his skin colour.

Next time you'll know not to offer help or directions of anyone of a different skin tone to yourself though, just in case!

The OP hasn't said he had a different skin tone! Where did you get that from?

Sunbird24 · 16/03/2022 01:03

Because it makes no sense that someone of the same skin tone would accuse her of being racist?

limitedperiodonly · 16/03/2022 01:18

Your mistake was offering a young man help OP. You made it worse by being a middle aged woman. Men, especially young ones would rather wander round in circles for days gradually succumbing to thirst than ask someone if they knew where the bus stop was. That's unless they could say to a fellow man in an exaggerated deep voice: "Oi! Mate! Know where the bus stop is? Chiz mate!"

Despite that I still sometimes ask people if they need directions. I live in a very touristy part of London and phones aren't all they're cracked up to be. I often see muddled people in need of my assistance.

People usually take it well but some wary travellers behave as if I am a menopausal advance scout for a gang of people-traffickers or kidney-harvesters. Men are the most suspicious - they probably feel I am challenging their hunter instincts while in charge of their women-folk on foreign territory.

I was called a Karen once by a young man I advised not to leave his pretty spaniel tied up outside Waitrose. It's a nice area round here which accounts for the propensity of thefts of nice dogs from people who leave them tied up outside while they are buying oat milk.

I forgave him. He obviously felt he was being ticked off. He was.

DPotter · 16/03/2022 01:19

I've been ma'am'd in deepest darkest Oxfordshire

Wavypurple · 16/03/2022 01:19

I know you had the best of intentions but if someone asked me if I was okay and knew where I was going because I had my phone out I would be quite confused

MangyInseam · 16/03/2022 01:24

No it wasn't racist. There is a lot of subtle body language in terms of interpreting what people are doing in terms of things like looking at a map. SO it's totally possible to think that is what someone is doing rather than, say, reading. Obviously it isn't full proof though.

He likely did think you were suggesting he looked like he wasn't from there. If it's a student area though, and he's young, that's a pretty likely scenario, even without reference to race. It's not racist to notice patterns like that. Though some people think it is.

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/03/2022 01:26

@Wavypurple

She did say why - People often ask me for directions, we live in the middle of a city, lots of students.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 16/03/2022 01:45

Was he drunk? I always manage to attract the person who while walking along the street briskly you sort of overtake with plenty of room and they make a big unnecessary thing of stepping out the way then they exclaim alright don't say thank you, can't believe you were so rude etc. when I did but it was quiet, until I say I did say thank you but you didn't hear me, then they go oh my god I can't believe I've been so rude, I feel terrible now.

I mean it's exhausting. All the drama out of nothing. 😂

I also had someone once turn to me on a train and in a completely sincere way said "I bet your parents didn't love you as a child". It was chilling, I was quite upset about that, even though it's completely untrue, what a horrible thing to say!

Etinoxaurus · 16/03/2022 01:48

@ScreamingBeans

Why do you care?

Wouldn’t you care if someone shouted at you for being racist.

@tumpymummy it must have been horrid, however look at it from his POV. As a black man he is probably used to several glances, where are you froms? and bag clutches a day. I was on a crowded bus once and desperately needed the loo, I was fidgeting, checking the route and desperately trying to distract myself. As he left the man next to me said the same, on the because it looked like I was checking my possessions because I thought he was going to rob me. I felt shit but he probably felt worse.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 16/03/2022 01:49

@LaraDeSalle

Perhaps he thought you said, ‘Are you white?’

hannahmontana00 · 16/03/2022 01:55

I think it could be perceived by him that you’re asking if he is lost because you think he looks out of place/doesn’t belong there/could be up to no good etc. and to him, he was doing an absolutely normal thing that didn’t prompt question, in this day it’s normal for people to be on their phones or walking alone etc.

alexdgr8 · 16/03/2022 01:57

well, to me, i wondered why you kind of challenged him, or intruded.
he was going about, minding his own business, and then he gets asked to kind of explain himself.
it struck me as if you thought he was incompetent, or like a child, out alone after dark.
and he may have assumed that you treated him like a child, because he was of another race, and that you were naturally superior.

silentpool · 16/03/2022 01:57

The Ma'am thing is used in various places - depends if he was from abroad. I was brought up by an Xhosa nanny (in Africa) and you better believe any lady of a certain age (well 65+) will be addressed as Ma'am by me. Good African manners and all were drummed into me, with the assistance of the back of her slipper 😄 and have served me well.

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