AIBU, how was I racist?

[tumpymummy]

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

This is painful.

It is.

So if you were walking down the road you'd only say good morning to white people?

She didn't say that. She said based on the assumptions of some people on here (that the Op definitely WAS being racist) it might be best for people to just not offer help to anyone with a different skin tone to them just in case it's interpreted as being racist. That was what I got from that post. I don't know why you jumped to "would you only say hello to white people then?" Or "Don't assume a person who you think 'looks' differently to you is in the wrong place". That's your problem to unpick.

Honestly use your brain. Don't treat one race, or even better, every race other than yours, differently. Don't assume a person who you think 'looks' differently to you is in the wrong place. Don't automatically make assumptions on people based on their skin colour.

The OP stated she lives in a touristy area, often sees people who are lost looking at their phones (presumably of all skin colours) and offers to help with directions. So she wasnt treating anyone differently because of their skin colour. She was treating him the same way she's treated other people in the past who've looked lost.

Unless you're suggesting that because she's (presumably) white she is lying?

It really is back to basics on here sometimes.

I know, it's like some people can't see the hypocrisy and stupidity of their comments!

I reckon he had mental health issues. I saw a man complain To A Self Service Till....saying "This till is racist, it won't take my card" so yeah a bit of MH and a splash of paranoia

so your argument is basically that racism does not exist because some people lie. What a load of shit.

And

you have now made yourself very clear you don't believe any black person who complains they have suffered racism.

///

I can't see that is what Tristam said?

Some of the posts on this thread are ridiculous. The assumptions being made about the OP are incredible. It's almost as if posters want OP to be racist to fit their narrative. Is it that hard to believe someone might ask somebody looking at their phone if they needed help? We can only go by what the OP tells us, and generally on MN that's enough. But since it's down to racism, nope, OP is clearly in denial that they're racist or they haven't realised they are so the folks on MN need to let them know.

Yes poor white people, can't do anything right these days

What a facile post, SliceofCake - inaccurate, too, since I was referencing a particular example rather than "anything" white people do

FWIW I completely agree with PPs that this man may have felt sensitive if he's suffered past racism, but that doesn't make it right to take it out on OP, any more than it would be right for someone to abuse a POC because they'd experienced poor treatment from one

Maybe it would be better if we all avoided assuming anything about anyone, rather than insisting what they must have done, meant, experienced or whatever

@lemongreentea

*"White people lose their shit when they are called out for being racist"*

also the people who dont like the use of 'white people' or 'whites' but would use black people/asians in the same sentence.

Actually don't know any white person who would be offended being referred to as such, unless it's in a generalised manner such as "all you white people" etc. Which I assume goes the other way too? Fine to use white, black, Asian etc when being descriptive... as it's fact and often helpful.

Wow! I wasn't expecting so many responses. Thankyou all for your replies. I now totally understand his reaction and feel bad that he thought I was challenging him. This wasnt my intention at all, I would have made the comment to anyone passing, whatever their ethnicity. But I realise now that the fact I spoke at all could have seemed strange, I will think twice now before speaking to random strangers. The maam thing didnt throw me because I work in a school and often get called 'miss'.

@MarthaFokker

Apologies, I should clearly read what I've wrote before posting... In response to you - it doesn't- at all! What I should have said was that it's by no means obsolete in the UK. I was just being a bit dim

We live in very strange times when any good deed can potentially be misread. The world will be a poorer place for people not bothering to help other people.

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

We live in very strange times when any good deed can potentially be misread. The world will be a poorer place for people not bothering to help other people.

What's the good deed here though? OP says often people ask for directions- if the man had asked and OP had given directions then that's a good deed helping someone. I wouldn't say randomly asking someone out of the blue just as they're looking at their phone is a particularly good deed or overly helpful. Perhaps people should think more how their helpful their help actually is.

Well that's another question entirely!

I do think it is best people don't offer help to anyone sometimes however. I remember being on holiday alone and taking a 3 hour beach walk every day. One day a man told me to put my sandal back on because there were rocks and the next day another man told me to take them off as it was soft sand. I ended thinking why can't I just have a peaceful walk without men (white men in each case and in each case well meaning kind men) did not feel they had to tell me what to do.

(I am white)
I do think if someone is peering at a paper map most of us would offer help and that is different from interfering in something like what shoes you are wearing.

why can't I have a peaceful walk without men telling me what to do I slightly paraphrased, but that is an evergreen question IMO

I wouldn’t personally ask someone walking with their phone whether they needed directions, not sure why your mind jumped to that really. I think it’s pretty common for people to wander around staring at their phones nowadays. It wasn’t racist but a bit odd.

We live in very strange times when any good deed can potentially be misread. The world will be a poorer place for people not bothering to help other people.

That's just a daft over-reaction that gets trotted out in these situations as if the binary choice is help all people vs don't help any people. It's all context dependent. And the OP didn't offer help. She assumed he needed help without him asking or in any way indicating that he might.

A white man on a bike offered me help this morning and I was quite happy to be helped. I didn't get the hump about it or accuse him of sexism. But it was a very, very different situation. I was riding one horse and leading another. I'd opened a gate and taken them both through it. It's an awkward gate beside a cattle grid and the cyclist asked if I'd like him to close it. But he asked, he didn't assume. It wasn't a question that assumed I was out of place or incapable, just that it was something that was easier for him to do than me because he wasn't having to manoeuvre two horses. And I didn't feel vulnerable because most people are quite wary of someone who is charge of two horses. It does give you quite an edge.

Tl:dr - of course you can offer someone help. Just do so with a shred of awareness.

I think it's best to be asked for help. That way your good intentions can't be misconstrued.

Unfortunately I have the opposite of Resting Bitch Face so anyone who wants directions/their photo taken/has any random question at all - directs it straight to me. This even applies when I'm abroad. OP, you need to borrow me and anyone who is lost will come over themselves

Different life experiences.

This was your first time asking, but this was his 100th time being asked. You may have been sincere, but there were 99 people ahead of you who thought he was out of place because of skin color.

Racists choose their words carefully so they have enough plausible deniability to say people are getting upset over nothing (aka gaslighting). When it happens enough times, it's hard to tell who is sincere and who is racist. And people who are sincere get caught up in it by accident. This is the pervasiveness of racism that people of color are trying to get the rest of the world to understand.

But also, all teens are glued to their phone everywhere now, so what about him specifically prompted you to ask if he needed help?

That's the type of thing where people are asked to examine if they have an unconscious bias. Which is NOT the same as racism, but can inadvertently comes across as racism.

I spend half my time looking at google maps on my phone. Well it feels like it anyway.

As for the ma'am thing posted earlier (with the faux innocent confused face) I get called ma'am at least once a week. And always by people of colour. There's really no point in going troll hunting with that kind of 'evidence'.

So no, OP, you had no racist intent, but he perceived you as being so, based on his experience. It's awful being accused of racism, because we all despise it (I hope) but you need to stop worrying about it. It's just one of those things.