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Original poster

Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

191 replies

Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 20:32

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

OP posts:
SituationCritical · 22/01/2022 20:34

I'm so sorry, that must be absolutely heartbreaking Flowers
I really hope she gets better soon and you can reconcile.

SirVixofVixHall · 22/01/2022 20:36

How old is your daughter OP ?
What an upsetting situation, I am so sorry. Why did she become estranged from you ?

HotPenguin · 22/01/2022 20:38

I'm really sorry, I'm sure the fact you have gone there and tried to contact her will mean something to her even if she isn't ready to speak to you yet.

Wildrobin · 22/01/2022 20:42

Is there anyone you can contact who she’s close to? I really feel for you and without knowing the reasons for her breaking contact it might also be important to respect that but to support her however you can . I do hope you’re ok

kitty96 · 22/01/2022 20:49

That's sad op. But if she's an adult I think she can tell them to not give any information out. Do you know who her best friend is, that could get a message to her telling her that you're there if she needs anything?

Had you fallen out in the last few months?

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 20:52

She turned 23 in November. Just after my 50th after we had all been together most of the Summer she sent us a no contact letter. She's been struggling with her mental health for a while and has been to a and e a few times before. She said it was because she couldn't cope with the hurt and the triggers. Although we have never abused her physically or deliberately harmed her, she grew up seeing me struggle with post natal depression and she was the eldest so sometimes had to be strong for me. I know all parents of estranged children say they don't know why, but I've been having counselling myself the last few months and I'm sure looking back that she felt u heard or as if her opinion didn't matter. Early Summer she took a handful of pills before coming home and her Dad and I didn't handle it well. She wanted to stay with her uni friends and we basically told her she had to come home just for a couple of days. I just wanted to see her and look after her for a bit. But I'm pretty sure that was the beginning of the end and the thing is we've tried so hard to respect her wishes and let her get on with life. I won't lie. I've emailed her once on her birthday, rung her once when I heard that she couldn't be left alone and have texted her twice. The last on Friday to say this is not how your story is meant to end. I promise things will get better. I know that they can because I was once where she is now.

OP posts:
kitty96 · 22/01/2022 21:02

Ah this is interesting, my dm was mentally unwell when I was growing up and it had an impact on my childhood.

We have a relationship now, but not a close one. I distanced myself from her and she's not happy with it, but it's the only relationship we can have.

Was there more to it in the summer? Did you argue or have tension?

I think you need to give her space and let her come to you. If she's told the hospital that she only wants certain information given out then you sadly have to respect that.

Can you pass on a message saying that you respect that she doesn't want contact with you, but would she mind passing a message by a third party letting you know how she is, so she doesn't have to speak to you directly but you'll know how she is?

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:03

Sorry I'm new to this and not sure how to answer without posting another blurb which I did. In my eyes no we hadn't fallen out. Things had been difficult but I thought things were improving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:08

Yes probably. She's the eldest of 4 and is still in touch with her siblings so I do get to hear a little about her but I try really hard not to involve the others as its not fair. To be honest, heartbreaking as it is, if she decides that's it I would respect that. Its just harder right now because I don't know how she is physically. She just sent her grandfather a message that they are moving her to another hospital for a few nights so I don't know how to take that. I love her so much. It hurts but we can do no contact, I just want to know that she's alive somewhere and safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:08

Than you

OP posts:
Reallycantbesarsed · 22/01/2022 21:09

As a Mum of adult children I find your post very heartbreaking. As parents we don’t always get everything right but in most cases as our children get older they understand.
Does she have friends that you could contact? Am really sorry. Hopefully your daughter is in good hands and gets the care and help she needs.💐

Wineisoverrated · 22/01/2022 21:11

Who is her next of kin? I imagine they’d be informed but yes I imagine they would tell you. Mainly because DD would be too poorly to inform them you were no contact.

Don’t worry, it’ll all be ok. Can any other of your DC contact her?

Cissyandflora · 22/01/2022 21:11

@HotPenguin

I'm really sorry, I'm sure the fact you have gone there and tried to contact her will mean something to her even if she isn't ready to speak to you yet.
I agree with this. Keep trying and keep making the effort. It will mean a lot. I hope she recovers quickly.
kitty96 · 22/01/2022 21:14

Does she have therapy? I found that very helpful when trying to understand/forgive some things from my childhood. That's been difficult because my mum doesn't actually remember some of it. I'd definitely offer to pay for that if possible, good therapy is so expensive. Or offer to go to joint therapy?

If she's messaging her GF and siblings then that's a good sign. She's communicating with people, she hasn't withdrawn from everyone.

I think the best thing you can do is tell her that she can contact you whenever she needs anything, you'll always be there. But don't push her. The more my mum pushed the more I stepped back. I have forgiven her for things that happened but I still remember them, and the memories are still very upsetting.

Just tell her that you're there when she needs you.

StarsAreWishes · 22/01/2022 21:14

I think if you can get information on her well-being from other family members, and she has told you previously that one of the things triggering her is you, then you should really leave her alone and not try to contact her or pressure her (no texts, no emails). Otherwise you are contributing to the situation.

Let her get well, physically and mentally. Then offer to attend counselling with her.

In the meantime, get information from family members but don’t press them to pass messages.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 21:17

I'm so sorry OP. I've no advice or experience. I can't imagine the pain of an estrangement like this. Sending 💐 to you & your poor DD.

CovidCorvid · 22/01/2022 21:18

Sorry this is happening.

No, I don’t think they’d tell you anything if she’s asked/told them not to. An adult is an adult whether they’re 23 or 53.

When my mum was admitted to Hospital dying the hospital didn’t tell me. I found out a few days later from a friend of a friend and rang the ward. First thing the nurse asked was how I’d found out because she knew we were estranged. She didn’t tell me much but did confirm my mum was there. The nurse obviously then went and rang my mum’s designated next of kin (a neighbour) because 20 mins later the neighbour rang me not very happy that I’d rung the hospital.

Nobody from the hospital informed me when she died.

It does sound like your Dd is recovering though and keeping in touch with her grandad so that’s good.

A580Hojas · 22/01/2022 21:19

I find your post very sad too and I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I have a family member with dreadful mental health problems who has cut off his own mother, not because she was abusive in any way (quite the opposite), but because he feels she contributes to his very poor mh. It is totally illogical to everyone but him.

I know you are desperate but all you can do is hold tight and hope she pulls through. Sending you strength vibes and I hope, hope, hope your DD comes through this and there are happier times in both your futures.

minisoksmakehardwork · 22/01/2022 21:20

As a child who chose to go no contact with her parents, I beg you to respect your daughter's wishes right now. You have contacted the hospital and she will be told that you have been in touch. She has obviously asked for no details to be given out and I suspect has listed someone else as next of kin, otherwise you would have been informed about the hospital move.

Yes, it will hurt but when your daughter is in a better place, she will reach out to you. I did. I tried. Sadly, mother was too angry at my desire for that space that she died without ever speaking to me again. I still have her last email, replying to me getting in touch, and feel the anger seething through the one word reply. But I respected her need to deal with her own hurt in her own way. Something my parents had been unable to give me and hence my need to go NC.

Poor Mental health is such a tricky area for everyone to deal with and everyone has their own way of doing this. You need to be lead by her and in her own time. If she is still in touch with siblings and grandparents, she is not completely out of your fold.

If she's grown up being an unofficial carer for you, it's entirely possible that she may blame you for her own difficulties. It may just as easily be that she does not want to burden you as she knows your own mental health may be fragile.

Time and space really is the best thing to give her.

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:22

Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes she has been going to counselling. I have tried really hard not to message her, almost to the point of sitting on my hands. When I messaged on Friday to ask if she needed or wanted anything in hospital I said I would not message or call again unless she instigated it. I just want her to be well and safe. I don't know whether to worry that she's being transferred somewhere else or assume that it is psych related which in a way might be the help that she needs at the moment. It also doesn't help that I'm studying my masters in psychology so probably know more about the system than most. As I said thank you all again for replying. Saved me crying on my husband and the cat again

OP posts:
Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:24

Thank you for your understanding especially as you have been on the other side of the story.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 22/01/2022 21:24

She wants no contact, rightly or wrongly.
Very hard for you, but you have to stop trying to contact her or find out about her. Any attempt is putting extra pressure and stress on your DD. It's about her at the moment, so I'd suggest you go by what she wants. Let her go and she might come back in time. Chase and she will run further away.
No, they should not tell you how she is, confidentiality and all that.
The other hospital could well be a mental health unit.

namechange30455 · 22/01/2022 21:24

I wonder if there is more to this than you are saying tbh. I get that you are hurt, and worried, but she's asked you not to contact her and you've contacted her FOUR TIMES since the end of summer. That's nearly once a month, without counting the times you've contacted the hospital so that the nurses have had to speak to her about you.

As someone whose mental health is actively damaged by spending time with or speaking to my parents (who also weren't physically abusive and didn't deliberately damage me, but for a variety of reasons I had quite a shit childhood with), I think you need to think really carefully going forwards about the impact you contacting her repeatedly when she's asked you not to might be having on her MH.

I hope your DD is ok Flowers

TellySavalashairbrush · 22/01/2022 21:25

How terribly sad and worrying for you op. You mentioned dd still has some contact with her siblings. Could one of them (18+) go and find out more info from the hospital? Perhaps they could visit her?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 22/01/2022 21:26

It seems there is lot of complexity in your relationships. What is her relationship like with your husband? Is it all directed at you? It sounds like you both need therapy separately and together. I hope she finds piece.