Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

[Calmgirl]

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

@3Daddy31982 thank you. I did ask the nurse yesterday if she needed or wanted anything but she said no. I was tempted but didn't want it to be seen as another example of not listening to her.

To answer your question, no the healthcare practitioners will not be able to tell you anything, I'm sorry.
I'm also sorry your daughter is having these difficulties. Have you looked into ACES and mental health? It could shed some light on the situation.
I truly hope she is feeling better soon and that you can both build upon your relationship when/if she feels able.

Remember this is your daughter’s crisis this is not about you. You’re not helping by referencing you having been through similar ie depression, especially as supporting you through these may be something that has been really difficult for her. Don’t try to force a closeness. If she contacts you be ready to listen. All the best

@rooarsome Thank you. Yes, quite possibly re ACES. Thanks for your reply.

@ArachnidArachnid you are quite right. I realise that is how it comes across. I was quite desperate when I first wrote but I am aware that it is all about her. The only reason my depression was referenced was because I was answering a question about triggers for her. I'm fully aware that my depression has impacted her life adversely and I wish I could change that with all my heart.

I'm so so sorry, OP.

I am not a mother but I am a daughter (not that much older than yours). I don't have any useful advice for you. I just wanted to say your situation has really touched me and I truly feel for you. I have no idea what you should do, judging by all these comments the consensus seems to be that you should step back although I have no idea if that is the right thing or not in this individual (do any of us given we don't know your particular situation personally and most probably aren't suitably qualified to comment). Just wanted to say I really feel for you and wish both of you the best. All of this is terribly sad.

Writing a letter is a good idea @Calmgirl. Then put it in a drawer. ATM, the best thing you can do is listen and respect your daughter's wishes. If I can offer a bit of advice, do not refer to her as a "child", try to use "daughter" instead.

Could you drop off some essentials at the hospital and a little note to say you’re thinking of her and here when she is ready. Sorry you’re going through this OP.

@polkadotty2 Thank you. I really appreciate your response.

@TooBigForMyBoots good advice. Thank you. And yes I agree, didn't mean to sound patronising re the child thing.

@Wife2b if things were how they normally are then I would have sent some kind of care package or even been with her. As it is, I messaged yesterday to say that I love her and miss her and that she can always come home if she wants. I think that sadly, really hard as it is, I have to try to do as she wishes. Also she has been moved and I don't know where to so that helps temper the temptation.

@Summerfun54321

I don’t think an adult child saying they want to go no contact means you can’t show her you’re thinking of her at her lowest point. That’s inhumane.

I completely agree with this. I'm really horrified at the number of people who say that the Op should not have any contact with her child who has taken an overdose and is in hospital. For God's sake show some humanity.

@Summerfun54321

I don’t think an adult child saying they want to go no contact means you can’t show her you’re thinking of her at her lowest point. That’s inhumane.

I agree with this. Op I really feel,for,you and you like most mothers are doing your best. None of us are perfect mothers, we all just do our best and you are in an unbearable position. A position which actually can happen to anyone. I know of two families where adult children have decided to stop contact with parents. Obviously no one knows what has gone on in family homes but I don’t think these parents did anything wrong, their other children are equally bewildered by what has happened, Wish you and your daughter the best wishes and hope things improve in the future.

I honestly would leave her alone now. I know how terribly hard it must be for you but I think if you keep getting in touch, you will push her further away.
My son has gone nc with his father (we separated last year). Dad keeps trying to get in touch in various ways and doing things to make son have to talk to him. It’s having the opposite effect. Every time dad gets in touch, he pushes our son further away from himself.
I hope your daughter makes a speedy recovery and that you are both able to work on your relationship. Parenting is bloody difficult!

I would be very careful about some of the advice you have been given here op. No one has enough information about your daughters current mental health to know whether her estrangement from you is justified , or is part of her being very unwell at the moment. The response to each of these scenarios would be different. So no- one here can properly advise you. Dealing with someone who is mentally unwell is very nuanced and difficult. If she is under psychiatric care they will absolutely respect her confidentiality if she is capable. But they will assess her mental state and will hopefully help her to make decisions that are not clouded by illness.
It is the case that if your daughter is very depressed she may find it difficult to tolerate your anxiety and concern for her as it could make her feel guilty for “ causing “ this. So it is right to focus on communication being about how much you love and care about her and not about how worried you are . I think those kind of messages of support can be very helpful.

am so sorry op. No words of advice. Just sorry. O often find parenting my two toddlers hard and am far from the best mum. Not that you weren't a wonderful mum but this scares me. The idea of my kids cutting contact scares the sh*I out of me. I hope you will be reconciled with her one day soon. I can feel your love for her. And the pain of the estrangement.
No one chooses poor mental health. No one chooses PND so it's really hard that this seems the root of the estrangement or at least part of. Whatever the case, Am so so sorry. I wish you both recovery and healing

@Calmgirl, it's not that "child" is patronising in itself. When your daughter was a child, she had responsibilities beyond her years, but because she was a child, she was unheard and powerless.

I'm sorry that you are going through this OP, I really am. I cannot imagine how difficult it is. I'm glad that YOU are having counselling as well because it is important. You sound a little similar to my mum and I feel compassion for you and your daughter. However, I am a child of a mother who spent my whole life suffering depression and it scarred me greatly. It formed who I am and how I deal with things.
I love my mum, she is not a malicious person at all but she still believes we have a relationship we just don't have. I know she did the best she could with what she had. Which was valium for my entire childhood as a start. I won't go on but will say that she has NO idea just how detached from her it left me. We have never had a healthy relationship but she probably doesn't know this. She has said some really shit things to me but she won't realise it or remember it so I'd never bring it up. She'd just cry if I did.
I just say this to let you know that it is really hard to be a child with a parent who acts like a child as well. You can't form 'normal' bonds.
Whilst I don't think you contacting her the few times you did is that bad, we also don't know your patterns of contact. And don't need to OP, not saying that. But think about your communication style in the past and whether you've overstepped etc. Just tread carefully and perhaps find other non invasive means of keeping abreast of the situation. Don't grill others, don't overstep. Keep up the counselling and let her come to you when she's ready.

She wanted to stay with her uni friends and we basically told her she had to come home just for a couple of days. I just wanted to see her and look after her for a bit. But I'm pretty sure that was the beginning of the end

Here, you acknowledge that insisting on contact that she didn't want was 'the beginning of the end.' Despite this, since then you have repeatedly contacted her when she's made it clear that she doesn't want it. Why are you continuing to do something that you know is hurting her?

I went very low contact with my parents at your daughter's age. Much of the reason for this sounds similar to your daughters - a childhood very badly affected by a parent's mental health (in my case there was physical abuse from my dad too, but my parents expected me to put up with this due to his mental health). I'm now completely NC after they repeatedly pushed my boundaries. You're repeatedly crossing your daughter's boundaries.

No, they will not tell you anything she doesn't want you to know. And I'm very glad about that. She has a right to confidentiality.

It's so hard being a parent, and they keep changing the rules. Keep trying, I wish you all the best 💐💐

I have a different take to others. My mum had PND, I think, but it was long before anyone understood or diagnosed it. She could be awkward and said some hurtful things which still hang around in my head 50 years later. She doesn't acknowledge the things she said either.
After a big row when I was 22, I went away and didn't tell her how to get in contact with me - no mobile phones then. If my mum could have contacted me, I'd have appreciated that, although I might or might not have responded. Early 20s can be a very self-oriented and selfish age. Certainly in later years if I looked back, it would have felt good that she'd made an effort.

Depression is the most selfish illness. I know because I've lived with it and suffer from it. I don't know your daughter or her thought patterns, so I'm unable to say what she's really thinking or how she'll react, in the same way no one on her can know. But there's as good a chance that she will appreciate your effort of contact and your demonstration of caring as the chance she won't.

This is a very hard time for you, and parent would be frantic. And whatever has happened in the past, it's clear that you love your daughter very much. We make decisions as best we can and hope we get it right. And sometimes a decision you make that you regret, can turn out to have been the best decision in the future. At present your daughter is safe and she has friends. She knows that you are there for her if she needs you. And she could have instructed the hospital to tell you nothing, but she cared enough for you not to torture you. That sounds hopeful. Don't punish yourself. You've been suffering a loss, and no doubt been experiencing worry and fear. You're trying to do your best and, at the end of the day, that's all any of us can do.

[quote TooBigForMyBoots]@Calmgirl, it's not that "child" is patronising in itself. When your daughter was a child, she had responsibilities beyond her years, but because she was a child, she was unheard and powerless.[/quote]
You are wildly extrapolating.

If she is deemed a suicide risk and is sectioned she will be appointed a next of kin. I haven’t seen in here that’s she’s married so the next of kin will be whoever ever is the eldest of her parents so either you or her dad. To get the changed it will have to go to either a court or tribunal and they would have to be good reasons for it to be swapped.
Please google next of kin when sectioned and read the relevant information.
I hope things turn out better for your daughter and when she’s well again does want some form of relationship with you.

Thanks everyone who has continued to post. I appreciate everyone's opinions and good wishes. I can't change my parenting of the past but I will try to make parenting going forward more about her and less about me. I'm grateful that she hasn't completely cut herself off from family.

Thanks @User134 I appreciate the advice. I'm just afraid of making things worse with the next of kin thing.