Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

[Calmgirl]

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

UPDATE !
Hi, not sure if anyone who posted on the thread will see this but I wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone who gave advice etc. The latest I have been informed of by her grandparents is that she has now been allowed home to her uni accommodation with the advice "now go home and live as normally as possible!". Slightly fuming at the wording as that is what she was trying to do when it happened, poor love. I have not contacted her since Saturday as I mentioned before but of course she is in all of our thoughts. Thanks again.

That is really good to hear she’s out of hospital . I am glad the news reached you, too

I'm really glad she is doing well. Wishing you all the best. 💐

Thanks everyone xx

Glad she's well, OP. Hope you are okay.

That's good news.

Hmmm, I wish I felt that reflected more on your daughter's good health than on the NHS's lack of resources for mental health needs. Did you say you were paying for her to have counselling? If so, I hope she will keep that up. I think your best bet now is to ask the advice of your own counsellor when next you have a session. If you have funds to pay for your daughter's counselling, perhaps you can offer that through her sibling/grandfather? Nice if you can find a way to let her know you care without upsetting her current need for NC.
I wish you the best in this difficult situation. Your daughter too.

@yzed , yes I know what you mean. I'm concerned that she has been allowed to go home so soon after the overdose and feel it smacks of needing bed space or something. Although I am grateful for their care and concern. I haven't been paying for the counselling, she is a member of a church and a qualified counsellor there has been treating her. I hope she keeps that up too as it's needed and would be happy to pay for further counselling. I will discuss it with my own counsellor when we talk next. Yes I'm trying to think of something to do to show that I care but at the moment I think anything will feel like an invasion and not caring so am sticking with the no contact as requested. Thank you for your well wishes.

Pleased your daughter is out of hospital op. Hopefully she is feeling better and getting the help she needs. Wishing you luck to one day regain your relationship with her, I hope you can works things out over time.

That's good news op.

Tread very carefully now. Maybe when you're feeling the urge to contact her next you could post on here instead, give yourself time to think if it's the right thing to do.

I think not contacting her in the next couple of weeks will be the hardest thing you've ever done.

Maybe you could make a note to send her a postcard every few months, just a cheerful picture and a message not looking for a reply.

But don't do it any time soon, you need to give it a good few weeks now.

Thanks @JackieQueen much appreciated x

@Knitwit99 Thank you. Yes that's a good idea. I am already being strict with myself about being no contact. As you said though its very difficult at the moment because I'm worried she will reenact the scenario. Was tempted earlier to send a care package but recognised it would be perceived as an invasion instead so did not. As I said previously I really do just want her to be well even if that means the no contact has to continue.

Sorry to hear this OP, it must be very stressful.

Going against the grain here to say that I didn’t object to occasional written contact from my dad when I went NC with him aged 22. It was a different circumstance (he had had left my mum a few years previously and a situation came up where we may have become homeless and I felt he wasn’t showing enough willingness to help stop that from happening- was complicated).

But even though I stated NC he did write occasional letters - card for birthday and Christmas and once a year a letter apologising and expressing his regret and wishing things could go back to how they had been before.

In hindsight I’m actually glad he still sent the letters because it showed he still cared and wanted a relationship with me so much to make the effort, and I had the choice of ignoring them if I wanted to…. Different to turning up on the doorstep unannounced. Also, somehow having received those occasional letters made it a bit easier to initiate the contact again when I felt ready. It did take a few years, partly because I was very stubborn, but we did build up a good relationship again.

Have you undertaken any counselling Op? It may show your DD that you’re accepting the need to explore where things went wrong on your part and take responsibility for emotional hurt caused to her.

Not trying to criticise you though…parenting is bloody hard and we do our best even though don’t always get it right and sometimes have regrets.

@Summergarden sorry, I just saw your post. Perhaps in a while when things have settled a bit, I may do the same re written contact. I really don't know. I want her to know that I'm serious about respecting her no contact now however difficult it is for us. She is the priority. It has been really hard the last week. I keep jumping every time the phone rings in case she's tried again. Last time I texted, which was on the Friday when we drove up to a and e I said she could always come home, no recriminations, no need to have deep talks etc and that we love her and miss her.
I have been having counselling since just after this all started. My inlaws know. Whether they will relay it to her or not I don't know. But I am serious in trying to resolve matters. I know I have made mistakes. Although I feel I have not been intentionally cruel in any way, as the saying goes "if someone tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to tell them that they are wrong".
I grew up in a single parent family with a Father who was predominantly absent. It's probably made me more needy and afraid of rejection so not the best in a parent when a child needs to be parented if you see what I mean.

The best way you can show you care is to stop thinking of new ways to contact her even indirectly. If you are sorry for not respecting her boundaries apologising is one thing but you need to show you've changed and you can only do that by 100% no contact.

@beginit True. Thank you.