Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

[Calmgirl]

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

Sorry your in this awful situation.
If your daughter tells them not to tell you then no they can't tell you untill she passed and they contact next of kin assuming that's you.
Try not to worry to much if she has talking and given them permission to tell you she is still in hospital then likely hood is she is on the road to recovery. She may well get help for her mental health issues aswell.

You need to leave her alone. She is safe and sound in the hospital and that’s all you need to know. If you get information off family or friends so be it but do not ask. She has made her wants perfectly clear. Sometimes it takes one thing to tip us over the edge. I had a similar upbringing to your dd but mine was through my dad and I’ve had no contact now for 10 years other then the odd text. I won’t forgive him. I know it hurts but sadly sometimes people can’t forgive and forget the past . It hurts and changes people totally.

I know it hurts but sadly sometimes people can’t forgive and forget the past.

But given the right conditions, they can heal. The OP's daughter is young, growing, intelligent, confused and hurting. I hope she gets the support she needs now.

And who knows what the future holds?

DS2 went no contact with me 2yrs ago. He's 21 now. I still don't know why. I don't even know where he lives anymore. Last summer he cut off contact from DS1 and in the autumn from his grandparents. We are the only family he has.

It's broken our hearts.

My mum (his GM) has given me such good advice. She's said it's his choice to go NC. Let's respect his choice instead of hounding him. Give him what he's asked for (to be left alone) and let him be.

That's eased the pressure and heartbreak for me and his brother.

It is heartbreaking OP. But you've reached out. She knows where you are. Now you have to leave her be. Demonstrate how much you love her by putting her needs first (being NC) instead of your needs (texting, phoning).

Sending you strength because it's so bloody difficult.

It’s ‘nearest relative’ not next of kin if you do google.

I think you are being very hard on yourself. To cut someone out like this without explanation or attempt at repair is very cruel and not giving you the opportunity to make changes to your relationship for the better.
No contact should be done as a very last resort and because the relationship is damaging to either party, you don't read like you are a cruel and abusive parent.
I am no contact with my own mother after years and years of abuse, I've reached out to her to give her the opportunity to have a relationship with me but she continues the abuse so for that reason, we are NC. The last time I head from her she said she wished I had committed suicide rather than my brother. That is a valid reason for needing to end the relationship.

I think it sounds totally normal to want to reach out to your child and I feel very sad to read how much you blame yourself and chastise yourself for wanting to connect with your daughter.

You sound like a lovely mom.

@OldTinHat

💐 that sounds horrendously difficult.

How are you doing today, OP? Are you able to take your mind off this at all and function in your life otherwise? Are the other 3 younger DC ok?

I can imagine this to be all-consuming. I have no idea how I'd cope in this situation. You're still on my mind and I'm still wishing you well, hoping your daughter heals and reaches out to you when ready.

I am very sorry OP

It sounds like you are doing the right things re staying in touch, and going to the hospital to check - without over pressuring her or other family members.

It will mean a lot to her that you’ve done this. She is young and your relationship may well come good.

When she is out it sounds like the priority is getting her appropriate help.

What ward did you speak to? If not on ITU you can at least be reassured.

@Goldi321 it was a and e that she was in. Her brother said she'd replied to him and had been on a drip so hopefully that reversed potential liver damage.

@Luredbyapomegranate Thank you. She says to her grandfather that she's been discharged from there and taken to another hospital. I'm hoping that's for psych reasons and not liver damage etc. She's been having difficulties for a while and been in the mental health system but I'm hoping that this time it will really help.

@polkadotty2 I'm shattered. Didn't sleep well and thought someone banged on the door at 6am. So went down dreading in case it was the police come to bring bad news. Her brother is at the same uni and vicinity. He's not too bad. We saw him when we went to the a and e department to try and get some info on her condition as no one was answering the a and e phone, which is understandable given the nature of the service. My youngest two, 16 and 14 seem okayish. They are not as close to her since she went to uni but are obviously concerned. My 16 year old is on the autism spectrum so rarely gives much insight into her feelings but I'm keeping a close eye on them without trying to annoy them! We know that she's messaged my fil to say they've discharged her and transferred her elsewhere. I'm hoping that's for psych evaluation etc and not liver damage.

@lovelylittlesunflower Thank you. I appreciate your comment as you are on the other side of the equation. I'm sorry that your own mum wasn't willing to work on your relationship and take responsibility for her behaviour. What she said to you was unspeakably cruel and makes it completely understandable why you are no contact now. I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes but I am willing to try to address my mistakes and just want to reconnect if that's what she wants at some point. If not, I will be heartbroken but can cope if I know she's safe and happy somewhere.

@OldTinHat thank you for commenting. It's good to have input from someone in a similar situation although I wish you were not going through the same pain. I agree with your comments and will try to adopt the same measures of no contact again in the future. I was just panicking in case she was dying alone.

@CharlotteRose90 Thank you for commenting and for your valuable insight. I agree with you that that is best way forward, to respect her wishes. I'm really sorry for the pain you've been through.

My sister took an overdose last year and when she was awake she was refusing to speak to anyone. We kept calling the ward anyway and the nurses was saying she doesn't want to speak to anyone but she is okay. So we was at least reassured. I'd have thought if anything bad had happened in hospital you would definitely be informed, you're her mom, even if she is an adult.

Also, my sister was referred to the hospital mental health team and had to have an assessment before she could even think about leaving.

@ENoeuf thanks. I did find the info on nearest relative. I'm guessing she has probably chosen her grandfather which is upsetting but understandable given her wishes. He is my husband's Dad and is obviously upset for him so passes on info if she says it's OK.

So TheInebriati, if your daughter was possibly dying in hospital, you wouldn't try to find out how she was?

If I had a daughter who felt that I was the cause of MH issues that had landed her in hospital, I would be terrified to exacerbate them by harassing her with my presence. I'd try and find out via a third party.

(FYI - I quit my last job last year after an episode of severe stress caused by harassment. The woman who was part of the harassment contacted me on social media this week gone enquiring after my health. Whilst acknowledging that she individually had no bad intentions to me, I felt absolute dread at the invasiveness that they had "got to" me again. Result? Palpitations, poor sleep, anger...)

OP - being honest with yourself, is the "closeness" a continued dependency? Because several times a day sounds intense and overbearing from the outside, especially with the previous context. Did you ever contact her siblings several times a day, or just her?

@Calmgirl Of course you were panicking! It's your daughter and you love her. It sounds like she will get help because of where she is and you can rest knowing that.

Stepping back will give her space to step forward to you when she is in a better place mentally. She knows you're there and you're her mum.

I sent my DS2 a text last summer saying I would respect his wishes, not contact him again, that I loved him, always will and will always be his mum and love him no matter what. I'd been texting and phoning a brick wall for almost a year and a half at that point. I've had to since guide DS1 with his heartbreak ('what did I do wrong, mum?') but my DM gave me the best advice to respect his wishes and that demonstrates unconditional love. DM is very pragmatic and she knew she and my DF would also be cut off before it actually happened.

You'll cry. A lot. But that's okay too. Its grief.

I completely agree with earringsandlipstick, your actions really do not read to me as inexcusable in the slightest. Once per month contact is hardly smothering her and blowing up her phone 24/7. It's minimal contact that at the very least shows their mentally ill daughter that they are thinking of, and care about her.

I'm only 27, and I'm close to my mum now. She's very actively involved with my toddler. We are good. It wasn't too many years ago I was 22, on anti depressants (like the majority of my friends), smoking weed daily, coke and md more than I like to admit, hating on my parents, some of my friends were self harming. I thought my entire family just didn't get me. If they'd all totally backed off when I was awful to them and said I hated them all then I'd be pretty bloody lonely now! My parents didn't know how to handle it, the amount of arguments we had when I said my mental health was in tatters and they berated me for being on drugs. None of us handled it right, there's no guidebook for these things, but at the end of the day I knew they cared and were there for me.

All I can say is I was in with a group that all had mental issues, substance abuse, one of our closest friends in that group committed suicide when I was 21. Well I'm now 27 with a lovely toddler and a baby on the way. Some of my friends from back then are the same, some are happily married, some are only now doing university and making a career for themselves, not a single one of us is as we are back then. I remember one of my friends moved out of her mums house and blocked her off everything during that time and I saw her put up an Instagram post the other day of her and her mum hugging at her baby shower.

So no, coming from someone with some experience with these difficult relationships, I would not now stop contacting at all, especially after an overdose. Keep maintaining enough contact to show that you are still there despite it all, but enough space that she doesn't feel smothered. Once per month sounds more than reasonable

You could drop her off juice, PJ's, a book and chocolate. Just leave them at reception with her name on. She will know you thinking of her.

@Yebbie I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. Did you ignore and cut off your family even if they tried calling occasionally and you chose not to answer or if they sent a text a couple of times a month to ask how you were?

I'm being inflammatory by asking. It's a genuine question.

@caringcarer

You could drop her off juice, PJ's, a book and chocolate. Just leave them at reception with her name on. She will know you thinking of her.

Please don't do this! I can't believe how many people are posting things like this.

The daughter does not want contact with OP. We only have OP's side of the story as to why, and it's very common for estranged parents to not fully admit (or not understand) why their child no longer wants contact.

Imagine someone saying she no longer wanted contact with an ex-husband, for whatever reason. Would you then encourage the ex to repeatedly make contact and then turn up at the hospital where that person was staying after an OD?

Yes, a parent-child relationship is different to a spousal relationship, but to the daughter it probably feels similar right now. Somebody who damages her mental health, and who she's made clear she didn't want contact with, is repeatedly trying to get back in contact with her. Being family does not make it okay to turn up at the hospital of someone who doesn't want to see you.