Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

[Calmgirl]

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

You have to respect her choice. She has clearly told you that she does not want any contact with you.

She is obviously not in a good place and potentially hearing that you are showing up at the hospital and trying to get some information about her is just going to put more pressure on her, not help her.

You went to the hospital, then you messaged...before that you emailed, rang and texted? sorry to be harsh but those are signs that you are simply not listening to what she told you and you are not respecting her decision.

The only thing you can do is stop trying to make contact with her and instead wait to see whether she will contact you. That is her decision. Every time you try to contact her you simply are telling her that you cannot respect her boundaries, you are pushing her further away.

She is in hospital, being cared for and I assume she will get the psychological support she needs too.

@Reallycantbesarsed

As a Mum of adult children I find your post very heartbreaking. As parents we don’t always get everything right but in most cases as our children get older they understand. Does she have friends that you could contact? Am really sorry. Hopefully your daughter is in good hands and gets the care and help she needs.💐

I agree with this post.

so sorry that you're going through this. please don't beat yourself up about contacting her - as a PP says she's suffering from poor mental health and her decision to cut you out of her life may not have been made on a rational basis
of course people have a right to go no contact with their families, but if it's due to a mental health crisis it may not be what they really want or need.
i think your other children should be keeping you up to date on how she is getting on, i don't think you are putting them in a difficult position by asking how she is - they know she's mentall unwell and not necessarily making rational decisions about her life.
when she's better - and if she's being moved she would seem to be recovering from the paracetamol overdose - then you could try family therepy.
and remember, just because you feel that she's blaming you for her mental health problems it doesn't that you are to blame. we are none of us perfect patents but you sound a very loving one, and what you are going through is awful. hope you can find some peace in the fact that she's keeping in touch with other family, she hasn't cut herself off from all supports.

I'm sorry but you really arent coming across well, you dont listen to your daughter and dont respect her wishes.

From her POV you put a burden of responsibility on her when she was a child, and you are still doing it now. You perceive a lot of contact as indicating closeness; but you aren't listening to her.

Consider that for her, closeness would be shown by you hearing and respecting her.

@ENoeuf thank you.

@Thelnebriati thank you. I understand where you are coming from and get your point. There is truth in what you are saying and I will take on board what you said about thinking of her perspective.

@Thelnebriati

I'm sorry but you really arent coming across well, you dont listen to your daughter and dont respect her wishes.

From her POV you put a burden of responsibility on her when she was a child, and you are still doing it now. You perceive a lot of contact as indicating closeness; but you aren't listening to her.

Consider that for her, closeness would be shown by you hearing and respecting her.

I would agree with this.

For those dismissing the daughter’s actions as if they are “just” an unfortunate side effect of an entirely separate mental health problem, you have no idea what it is like to try and come to terms with the fact that your parents - however much they perhaps didn’t mean to - did you harm. Lasting and largely irreversible harm. You have no idea how much those actions are the cause of mental health problems.

OP, you come across as someone who is still wrapped up in themselves. This seems to be what you want, about what you feel, that you couldn’t help yourself but contact her when she’s explicitly asked you not to. Your daughter may well feel that this is just an extension and continuation of what she’s always experienced. For the love of God, respect her boundaries and leave her alone. Your ‘needs as a mother’ don’t trump her needs as a separate human being.

@Thelnebriati

I'm sorry but you really arent coming across well, you dont listen to your daughter and dont respect her wishes.

From her POV you put a burden of responsibility on her when she was a child, and you are still doing it now. You perceive a lot of contact as indicating closeness; but you aren't listening to her.

Consider that for her, closeness would be shown by you hearing and respecting her.

So TheInebriati, if your daughter was possibly dying in hospital, you wouldn't try to find out how she was?

@MenoMom thank you. I just want her to be well even if that doesn't include us.

@ElectraBlue thank you for your valid points.

@CoveredInSnow no I agree. You are right. I'm sure I am wrapped up in myself. That's one of the reasons I posted. To get a variety of opinions. My priority is her. I realise I haven't made it sound like that.

@GreenTeaPingPong I'm sorry you have missed the point of my message. I understand that this is OP's thread and its about how she feels. But how she is acting is not in her daughters best interests.

Don't repeatedly try to make contact with someone who had gone no contact. Listen to what they want. They need time to process their emotions and they will get in contact when they are ready.
Pressuring them won't help the situation.

OP. So sorry. This must be immeasurably hard.

I think a family's situation is often complex and layered, and this subject is one that one can't help projecting onto or seeing oneself in. So I don't know how anyone can offer definitive advice when it must be a unique situation every time.

Hoping that your daughter recovers and that your relationship heals.

If my child was in hospital I would be camping there.
I agree you should go non-contact with toxic relatives but OP is not toxic, nor did she abuse her child, she had a hard time with motherhood and did her best and that’s all any of us can do.
Mental health issues can make you cut off everyone around you. When I was at Uni I became very ill and stopped talking to my mum for months. She gave me space but when she saw me at Christmas I looked so poorly she stepped in and saved me, and I’m so glad she did. I’d likely not be here now if she hadn’t.
OP you know your daughter, does she need you? She’s hardly doing better without the contact is she?!

Thus sounds really tough, especially as she is clearly unwell. As for the none contact part, I wouldn't assume that you have done anything wrong. Perhaps she knows or feels that she just can't confide in you or lean upon you for support because you then worry about her and that, in turns makes her worried and frustrated. That could create a situation where it is easier to cut you out rather than deal with your pain in top of hers. I don't feel as though you have disrespected her by contacting her. I think that most mums would do exactly the same. She doesn't need to contact you. But you telling her that you are thinking of her etc leaves the door open for her to contact you if she needs support or is in a better place. She's unwell and hopefully you will be close again once she is feeling better. X

Leave her alone @Calmgirl. She has chosen, as an adult, to cease contact with you. She still has contact with other members of her family, you can find out how she is through them.

If your daughter is entitled to confidentiality. She was well enough to communicate her wishes wrt to you and her father to her HCPs and the hospital are respecting that.

@MooPointCowsOpinion no she's not doing great without us but I don't want to make things worse. I'm just hoping that the hospital or mental health team will be able to reach her. I can't camp out now as I don't know where she is and that's probably better for her given her request for no contact. But it's bloody hard.

Hi Calmgirl,
As a mother I feel your pain. As a daughter I feel your continued "interference". But you are in torment, and need to find a way to turn.

I would suggest you stop looking for blame. It's irrelevant. The fact is, your daughter's struggling with her mental health, and for whatever reason thinks it might be easier to go through this without you. Without your help, or your analysis, or your whatever you usually do.

So until you can stop doing those things, she's going to need to keep you at arm's length. If you want to make it easier for her, stand back and don't make her have to push.
And perhaps realise how lucky you are. Your daughter sent you a No Contact letter. Many are just left to work it out!!
Think about what you actually need right now. If one of the siblings or grandfather will let you know if the worst happens, then stop pushing for more.
Meanwhile, you have a perfect opportunity. "Is there any thing she needs?" She's in hospital! She needs a pack of new knickers, a pair of cool summer pyjamas/loungewear, a hairbrush, a toothbrush, and a good book. Ideally give the money for these to a sibling/grandfather to buy and drop off.

(If you get them yourself she'll recognise your taste and they'll be a pressure instead of a pressie.) If they question, you can point out that she did send Christmas gifts, so hopefully this doesn't infringe her NC "rules".
Leave it at that for now. If she responds in any way great. If not, that's up to her.
Meanwhile, Please note: you cannot promise her that "things will get better". And it isn't for you to give her the benefit of the doubt!

And finally, go and do a module of your Masters in Psych. Or write an extended essay. Or something. You need to concentrate on something that will absorb your attention, so you can leave your daughter in peace while she works on getting through this situation and, hopefully, getting a little better.

I wish you well, take care, and TAKE A STEP AWAY,

You poor love, I really hope you hear something about how she is doing. Her sending little Xmas gifts is a good sign she wants to keep the option there to reconnect, in time. I have everything crossed for you. I’d be going out of my mind with worry.

@TooBigForMyBoots Thank you. I completely get what you are saying and will take it on board.

I don’t think an adult child saying they want to go no contact means you can’t show her you’re thinking of her at her lowest point. That’s inhumane.

Thank you all for commenting. I really appreciate everyone's advice, kind wishes and the pointing out of my selfishness even if it does sting. To reiterate, I love her dearly. I just want her to be well and happy although I realise I can't guarantee that for her. I will abide by her wishes and respect the no contact. If that means a life without us, it would be hard but as many pointed out it is her life and her choice.

No as she's an adult.

Hope she's ok

Oh OP this is heartbreaking. I can't imagine the worry you must be experiencing. On the plus she is till in touch with her paternal grandfather and her siblings. That's so positive. I know most have said you need to respect her wishes and I do agree however this won't stop you worrying. Good luck to both your daughter and to you

If it was me I'd personally take in some things she likes, papers, magazine.

Write her a letter, tell her you care & that you miss her.