Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

[Calmgirl]

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

@Eggybrains Thank you. I think as she has messaged a couple of people now that they hopefully caught her in time. I just panicked and assumed worst case scenario as we had very little info given.

@ArabellaScott Thank you. I'm trying to be fair and open minded to everyone's opinion but it is nice to hear some similar thinking.

@Iguessyourestuckwithme true. I realise she has a genuine reason for how she feels and wanting no contact. I think I've been acting out of hurt and worry which has not helped matters.

I'm a lot older than your daughter, but also had a childhood marred by my mother's "moods' (I strongly suspect undiagnosed MH issues / depression but she never sought medical help). I have at various times in my life gone very LC, NC once for a period of about 6 months. Even now, although we 'get on' and I'm sure she would describe us to her friends as close, I keep her very much at arms length in terms of what she really, truly, knows about me as a person. Without being rude OP, you're not showing much emotional intelligence here - this isn't about you, it's about your daughter and what she needs, which is NC from you.

Your daughter is just becoming an adult - she's perhaps examining her relationship with you from an adult perspective for the first time, seeing your actions through the lens of someone who now could potentially become a mother herself before too long. And she's found you wanting, she wonders how you could have acted like that, done X, Y or Z when it's something she can't fathom doing herself in your shoes. She's so young, and she needs time to process it, to be angry with you, to be self destructive, to not give a fuck about your feelings, and to work out what her future relationship with you might look like, if she wants a relationship at all. And she needs to do that away from you - please leave her be. You say you didn't do anything awful - she's the one that gets to decide that, not you. My mother even now says things like 'oh I know I was a bit moody at times' or 'I did make a few mistakes' but those sentences in no way reflect how miserable, unloved, and unliked I felt as a child, and how that has affected me as an adult. She refuses to acknowledge any more than that, and on the rare occasions I've tried to discuss it with her just cries and says I'm being mean to an old lady, I don't understand etc etc.

My guess is at some point, when she's worked some of this through she will be in touch - but if / when she does, if she wants to talk about it my strong advice to you is to listen, listen properly to her truth, and be willing to be honest about your failings and what you could have done better. Don't make excuses. Listen to her and accept how she feels, and apologise sincerely. And be willing to take what she offers you, not demand more than she has to give. I wish you luck.

@mrsmigginswiggins Thank you. When I said I hadn't done anything awful I meant the usual physical or sexual abuse that we traditionally think of. No I'm probably not showing much emotional intelligence. I have undoubtedly hurt her albeit not deliberately. However I understand that that is not an excuse and am not trying to come across as a fantastic mother. As I said I knew this was a contentious issue to post but I do want to learn from it and change my behaviour. I think I am probably too close to the situation to be objective at the moment.

She's a adult so no they won't tell you they'll tell whoever is her emergency contact and that's it

@Calmgirl

I've read all the posts.

I'm really not sure. I know other posters have described their situations and why they went LC / NC

However, every situation is different.

You seem to be going so far in the direction of taking blame - all the blame - that you are negating & pushing down your obvious pain & distress and instincts as a mother.

It may well be true that your depression when DD was a child had impacted significantly on her. Equally, it maybe a skewed perspective based on her current MH issues.

I don't think you can necessarily take it all on yourself. I think that is in its own way damaging.

What does your DH think? And other DDs?

Cautiously I would encourage to test these claims, rather than automatically believing they are The Truth. I would also consider going on your instincts in terms of contact.

On the other side of all those who counsel stepping back, is the prospect of your unwell DD who may need you. I am not sure that entirely stopping some contact k checking in is the right thing to do.

I'm just so sorry. But I really would not unilaterally accept one narrative, that of your DD. 💐

I just wanted to clarify - I think you are so keen to be open up your poor DD's v real distress that you are pushing down your own pain, sadness & loss.

You have not failed your DD. You sound like an aware, caring person who is open to perspectives & change. Just don't forget about your needs. ❤️

I never went NC with my mother but I had to go VLC at times, especially relating to medical issues because when I was struggling or ill I found it very difficult to be forced to deal with her anxiety, neediness, and her insistence of me doing whatever she wanted to calm her anxiety regardless of whether it helped me. Her need to see me. Her need to come and stay at my house despite me saying no. Her need to vent. Her entitlement to information. Her behaviour was smothering and ultimately selfish.

@mrsmigginswiggins

I disagree. This is exactly about the OP. She posted this thread for support.

She is frantic with worry because her daughter is desperately unwell. Your self righteous response is very wide of the mark. Indeed, you are demonstrating huge lack of emotional intelligence.

The daughter is in hospital receiving expert care. That does not change with the OPs request for support.

Of course she deserves to be supported when her daughter is so unwell. How could you imagine otherwise?

The two are not mutually exclusive, it is possible for the mother's and daughter's needs to be met.

Try to be less judgmental and a bit more human when someone is asking for help at a dark moment.

@Lunde I am sorry, I can see how that must have been really difficult.

@EarringsandLipstick I see what you are saying. I'm trying to take ownership of my actions but of course I also see it through the haze of her mental illness. I don't think she is being deliberately cruel or hurtful with no contact. But obviously it is painful not to be able to be there for her.
My son has said he wants to maintain contact with us and I feel we are close but then I thought I was close to my daughter also. My 2 youngest live at home with me and their Dad. We have time together obviously but also space. I'm closest probably now to my youngest as my next eldest finds it hard to express her feelings about everything but of course they are all well loved.
The hardest thing is not knowing how she is. I do have a tendency to catastrophise so am trying to be rational. She is obviously not in a coma or anything. Has been in touch with her siblings etc. I'm hoping that she is being assessed psychologically for her sake. At the moment I am doing what I have to do and that's about it.

@sweetbellyhigh thank you and thank all of you for your compassionate replies both for me and my daughter.

If DD is well enough to text her DGF, that’s a good sign. She is safe in hospital.

Respect the request for no contact. You haven’t to date: start now.

Your worry/desire for updates doesn’t trump DDs recovery from a suicide attempt. Get the support you need elsewhere, and you’ll doubtlessly be updated next week when
DD is discharged.

@Supersimkin2 thank you for your advice.

As horrible as it is for you to hear, leave her alone. She's asked you to leave her alone so respect her decision.

I am no contact with my mum and I bloody hope if I'm ever in hospital they don't tell her anything. I would hope the hospital would at least respect her decision even if you can't.

I feel for you op. I would be so worried if I were you. You are taking on board everything everyone has said on here, including ones entirely blaming you. I think that's really hard to do. You sound like you are entirely blaming yourself and that must be really hard to live with. I hope one day she can come back to you.

Calm girl your comment " I do want to learn from it and change my behaviour " really makes me wish for it all to be OK in the end for you both. I really hope you can both make it through

Thank you all xx

I have gone LC with my Mum on a few occasions (never NC because I don't want to NC with my Dad) and she's been very horrible to me over the years (whilst my brother was on a pedestal) but I'm sorry it is NEVER only one person's fault (I am not patient or tolerant with her). Becoming a mother myself has taught me that. Human relationships are difficult, mothers should not be expected to be perfect because they have a uterus.

I strongly suspect the root of my mother's behaviour was undiagnosed PND and PTSD after my brother's birth, which was very premature and he ended up in hospital for weeks. She couldn't breastfeed while desperately wanting too and clearly has huge grief about that. She was very unsupported as far as I can tell (no diagnosis, no mental health support and unlike you OP she refuses to acknowledge her issues which persist to this day). I accept that whilst she made me feel desperately second best at times - and still does - she was probably doing the best she could with her mental health condition. My reaction to it now, as an adult, is MY responsibility. It's in the past now and no amount of mea culpa is going to change what's happened. At some point demanding some kind of penance is just pointless and cruel and probably not healthy for either of us.

You say you love your DD and you want to do what she needs and want to listen, grow and learn. There is nothing objectionable about that as you also say you will stick to NC if she wants you to. It is also reasonable to want to simply know she's ok. It's ok to want that small comfort for yourself. I think it's ok to ask your other children to let you know that she's ok physically. I don't think it's 'putting them in the middle' to do this. It's a small ask as long as you stop there. And would be better than contacting your DD directly (you do need to stop doing that).

Blaming mothers for everything is something that needs to stop. We don't somehow become perfect humans when we push a baby out.

I don't really like my Mum that much - her behaviour is still problematic - but I do understand that she was unsupported when at the worst time of her life and the consequences have been awful for us all. That wasn't her fault.

@theemperorhasnoclothes thank you for your understanding. I have stopped contacting her directly. I won't contact her again unless she initiates it. I am fortunate that she is contact with her siblings etc so I get some kind of clue to how she is. As I said I try not to take advantage of that by asking what she has said. I told them that I just want to know that she is alive and safe somewhere. I haven't asked where she is. I'm sorry that your Mum didn't get the help she needed. Mental health is sadly so reactive and not proactive but she should never have made you feel second best and I'm so sorry that she did.

I hope you get the relationship you want from your daughter I really do but please don't push it.
My husband is no contact with his mother and has been for 10 years , she sends, birthday cards, Christmas cards , usually with some letter in about how lonely she is . Most recent letter said how much she hated him although he's her son she does love him .
In the last 10 years she's reported him missing to the police ( we still live at the same address) , rung my parents on Xmas day hoping to speak to him , turned up at one of my neighbours house ( she arrived by train) weeping a wailing and saying how awful we were but never actually knocked on our door. Instead of maybe reconciling earlier this has made it all last much longer

@ENoeuf

It’s ‘nearest relative’ not next of kin if you do google.

When you go to hospital or anywhere you fill in forms they ask for next of kin you can put whoever you want thats what next of kin is how are they going to know your nearest relative?

@Wonkydonkey44 Thank you. I have no intention of pushing like that. It would be hard but if she decides she never wants contact again I feel I could bear it for her sake, as long as I know she is safe somewhere. I just want her to be well and at the moment and potentially long term, that does not include us, sadly.

Bakewelltart987

ENoeuf
It’s ‘nearest relative’ not next of kin if you do google.

When you go to hospital or anywhere you fill in forms they ask for next of kin you can put whoever you want thats what next of kin is how are they going to know your nearest relative?

I don’t really want to derail. As the next of kin was mentioned in relation to sectioning the poster appeared to confuse the two. Nearest relative is clearly defined in the Mental Health Act 1983 and associated code and gives specific rights to them, which can be dislodged only by a request to tribunal. Next of kin and nearest relative may often be the same person but not always. Hopefully the upcoming changes will change this as it’s very archaic.