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Original poster

Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

191 replies

Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 20:32

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 22/01/2022 21:27

Could her siblings update you? Even just the basics.
I think you need to respect her wishes and give her space. I understand that it’s really hard, you want to be there and love her better but she needs to know that you are listening to her.

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:32

I completely get where you are coming from. I realise that 4 times is inexcusable. I can't justify my actions
It is not acceptable although I can say is we were very close and would speak a few times a day if not more. Going from that to nothing has been hard. I told the hospital we were estranged and said I wasn't asking for any information she didn't want us to have. To be honest I was in a panic when I messaged her because I had just heard and my selfishness I guess took over. I completely realise that it looks as if I have disrespected her wishes. It has been hard to know what the new status quo is when she said no contact but then sent us small Christmas gifts. Anyway from now I will not contact again.

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Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:36

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes I think all family relationships are complex to a degree. No she has cut off my husband too. Although it was never intentional we have Obviously hurt her. I wish i could undo it....

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EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 21:36

I realise that 4 times is inexcusable. I can't justify my actions

OP, I know we don't know the full situation. But I cannot describe your effort to reach out to your mentally unwell DD as unreasonable or unjustified.

This isn't a situation where thoughtfully & after consideration your DD has gone NC. She's unwell & although you're trying to respect her wishes, of course you are distraught and worried.

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:38

@TabithaTittlemouse yes they have updated me a little. As I mentioned before, I try really hard not to ask them because it makes things hard for them and it's unfair.

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Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:40

@EarringsandLipstick Thank you. If I knew she was well and thriving it would be easier.

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Blue4YOU · 22/01/2022 21:50

Op - there’s some hard things in here. She doesn’t want contact with you. Not via grandad or siblings. It’s not fair to try to find out.
It’s not fair to ask to go to counselling with her.
As the daughter of a mother who stood by and watched me be sexually touched by her father but if I said it to her would have “absolutely no idea” she’d done anything wrong, who manages to always be the victim (who DOES know about a sexual assault by a doctor in the NHS which happened two and a half years ago and because I’m taking legal action told me on Christmas Eve (having not seen her for two years)) that I shouldn’t go on about it because a) “it’s Christmas and b) he didn’t physically hurt me (by that I assume she means rape)… I can tell you, if I were a stronger person I’d have been no contact a lifetime ago.
And yet, I still love her and “get on” with her.
I’m not at all suggesting you are anything like that but you don’t always know the things you’ve done- for her - that have hurt.
Look after yourself but don’t push her.

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:50

@namechange30455 thank you for your reply. I completely understand where you are coming from. I realise that it does look and is excessive. Going forward I will take your advice to heart and won't contact her again. I do just want her to be well in all ways and painful as it is I can totally understand that that might need to be without us in her life.

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AbsentmindedWoman · 22/01/2022 21:56

Although it was never intentional we have Obviously hurt her. I wish i could undo it....

What kinds of things happened, OP? Has she frankly told you what was damaging for her growing up?

Did she have to shoulder a lot of responsibility too young?

I feel I'm missing something, as to the nature of what exactly 'went wrong' for her.

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 21:57

@Blue4YOU firstly I am so sorry that you endured that. My Mother went through similar so it was always something I was vigilant about when my kids were growing up. If I had ever suspected something like that had happened to her I would have shopped my husband myself. I would never have chosen him over my children. But of course no I can't say I know everything that has gone on in her life. We have obviously hurt her and I am so sorry for that. I will leave it to her now. And understand that she is an adult and I do not have a right to be in her life just because I am her mum. I was more panicking that maybe she was close to death because she took a fair amount of paracetamol but that the hospital were not allowed to tell me. Which of course is understandable. I just did not want her to be alone.

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Mellowyellow222 · 22/01/2022 21:57

I have a tough relationship with my mum. Looking back I suspect she had mental health issues when I was young but all i remember is this very angry woman. There was never physical abuse and we weren’t materially neglected but it was like walking on egg shells a lot of the time.

I have only recently had counselling about it and being heard and having someone validate what happened has helped, but it has also made me really angry with my mum.

Any time I raise anything she says I am exaggerating and painting her badly.

I think you have taken a huge step to accept your part in this. But ignoring her wishes just makes things worse and feeds into that rage.

I know this must be tough but please respect her wishes. Give her back control over your relationship, she is not a child. Wait for her to come back and when she does accept the hurt you caused in during her childhood. Listen to her, don’t make excuses or diminish her feelings.

I hope it works out,

If my mum once accepted she was, at times, less than perfect I would be able to let go of some of my hurt and anger.

ENoeuf · 22/01/2022 21:58

Op, coping with your kids’ mental illness is bloody hard and irrational at times, on both sides. You can’t win and often harsh words are exchanged both sides. It’s impossible to be Mary Poppins the whole time. Hang in there. It sounds like your daughter knows your door is open. I hear you.

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 22:00

@AbsentmindedWoman she is the eldest. I didn't realise it at the time but I had postnatal depression after all my children. It runs in our family and so does depression. She definitely saw me unable to cope and crying on occasion when she was young. And yes I think she was a little bit like a mum to her siblings not because my depression lasted a long time but just because that was her nature.

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Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 22:03

@Mellowyellow222 thank you. No I know I was at fault. I never physically mistreated her or anything else but was definitely passive aggressive and childish on occasion. That's one of the reasons I've been having counselling because I want to take ownership. I would never tell her that her feelings were not valid but I think looking back she probably felt unheard sometimes.

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Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 22:05

@ENoeuf thank you. Mary Poppins I'm definitely not but I do love my kids dearly and hate seeing her in pain and not being able to help.

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Firesidefox · 22/01/2022 22:09

@EarringsandLipstick

I realise that 4 times is inexcusable. I can't justify my actions

OP, I know we don't know the full situation. But I cannot describe your effort to reach out to your mentally unwell DD as unreasonable or unjustified.

This isn't a situation where thoughtfully & after consideration your DD has gone NC. She's unwell & although you're trying to respect her wishes, of course you are distraught and worried.

Well said @EarringsandLipstick

I would have done the same, at least four times, in such a situation.

OP I'm so so sorry for you. I really hope she gets better and your relationship can heal x

ENoeuf · 22/01/2022 22:10

None of us are perfect. I’ve told my kids I’m just an average person; I can’t fix things. I can’t get it right all the time and living with the effects of metal illness is hard. It’s tough, but you can get up and try again tomorrow. It sounds like she knows you want her to be ok, maybe ask the nurse if she will let them tell you if things get worse/ she recovers and leaves.

BungleandGeorge · 22/01/2022 22:13

Many people will presume that this is something you’ve caused but mental illness often doesn’t follow a logical course. Potentially it’s a symptom of her illness and not something you’ve done. I’m not sure whether contacting her is right or not, she could just as well come back to you upset because you didn’t bother. Maybe if you’re able offer to pay for some private treatment as she’s obviously still struggling?

JackieQueen · 22/01/2022 22:17

I'm so sorry op, I hope your daughter recovers safely and your relationship can be healed.Flowers

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 22:22

I also note she is still at uni? So in that sense a dependent I assume.

I'm very torn. I appreciate I've no experience. Also other posters have written about their experiences & I don't want to diminish that.

However, I really am not sure that just doing what an unwell child (albeit adult) who is a dependent too, in relation to contact, is the right thing to do.

I hope your counsellor can advise?

I know we only hear your side but crying as a result of pnd does not sound like inflicting terrible damage on your DD. You have mentioned a family history of depression - surely that's essentially it, that DD is sadly dealing with a similar depressive illness as you & your DM did before.

I really have as advice but it must be just devastating.

Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 22:25

Thank you @Firesidefox

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Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 22:26

@ENoeuf thank you. She contacted my husband's father to say she is being moved so at least I have some idea of what's going on.

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Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 22:27

@JackieQueen Thank you

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Original poster
Calmgirl · 22/01/2022 22:33

@EarringsandLipstick technically yes, a dependent but we think she may have dropped out of uni sadly. She will always be our child though obviously regardless of that. I think she is in the awful position of coming from two parental families with depressive tendencies so it's not surprising she is suffering. I did query with the nurse whether she was really in a great place to decide for herself given the overdose. She is very bright and also good at presenting a mature adult front so not everyone realises that she struggles. At the moment I have to give her the benefit of the doubt unless the hospital decides she lacks competency

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ENoeuf · 22/01/2022 22:34

We are only human op. Sometimes there isn’t a moment you could have changed the future. And you will drive yourself mad trying to find it. Be kind to yourself as well as your daughter. Don’t make things worse - that’s my mantra. Apologise if you know you’ve said or done the wrong thing, and give space where it’s safe.
I hope you and your family including your daughter find some peace soon.