Would a and e tell me if my estranged adult daughter was dying?

[Calmgirl]

Hi. Apologies for posting on here but am beside myself. In September my eldest daughter, who has been having a tough time mentally at uni decided to go no contact with myself and her Dad until she felt better emotionally. On Friday she took an overdose of paracetamol and is in hospital. Although we knew she would probably turn us away, we drove to the hospital to assess how she was. We did not press the issue or insist on trying to see her. Her nurse came to see us and obviously due to being estranged could only give us basic details. I'm beside myself with worry that she could be close to death and she's all alone. We love her and miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I phoned today and the nurse said they were allowed by her to say she was still in but that's it. I don't know if she needs anything, how she is or where she will go when discharged. I always thought we were really good friends and close, but I grew up without my Dad and was extra close to my mum, so maybe I expected too much from our relationship. I wish I could do the last few months over again. Thank you anyone for reading.

@Siepie I would not have done anyway. I asked her nurse the other day if she needed anything and was told no so left it there. I take your point and have no wish to make things worse for her.

@caringcarer I had thought as she was rushed in she might have needed pyjamas but the nurse said she was OK. It's not an issue now as she has been moved and I don't know where to. But as stated am trying to respect her wishes and give her the space she's asked for.

Can only echo simple please don't send care packages to the hospital, if you say you love her please give her the peace she needs to heal.

I'm 3 months into noncontact with my own mother after exasperated mental health and she would write what you do I love her and I don't know what I did wrong and will tell all her friends she's the wounded person, and that's the problem I didn't go non contact and put myself through all this pain and grieving for nothing going noncontact is the hardest thing to do and it doesn't just happen over a small thing on a Tuesday afternoon.

I suggest you sit down and consider why she's gone non contact and if there's something you need to work on or apologise for and do that for you. Because despite everything I want peace in my life and my mother to be happy unfortunately they don't come together.

@Siepie the only reason we went to the hospital was because we could not get through on the phone and did not know how bad she was. We did not ask to see her, just if she needed anything. I realise it sounds disrespectful. It was a kneejerk reaction that was undoubtedly unwise.

No, I don't think they will tell you if that is not what their patient wants.

I think you were unreasonable to go to the hospital when you know she doesn't want contact.

@Iguessyourestuckwithme I have sat down and thought about it and will continue to do so. I know she would not have done it for nothing and I certainly have not painted the picture of her as the bad person to anyone. I do love her but I do understand that for her that love might be smothering. A thing I can only regret and learn from by respecting her wishes in the future .

@janicewheeler thanks for your insight. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. Yes I had thought that was probably the case about assessment etc.

@thecatsthecats possibly. We didn't speak all the time. I did try to give her space. Sometimes it was me responding to her messages. It's a little different with my others. I knew she was having a tough time at uni and probably did check up more than was needed. Her brother is away and we do talk a fair amount but I try to let him set the pace on that. Trying to learn from the situation. My youngest are at home so yes we talk but not obsessively as we are all doing different things.

@Stompythedinosaur Thank you. I respect your opinion and there is truth in what you say. Unfortunately I cannot change my actions but can change them going forward.

@Yebbie thanks for your insight. Its good to hear from the other side of the story. I'm glad things are better now.

This is interesting reading. I have been NC with my parents for the best part of a decade and I would be absolutely livid if they were informed about anything to do with my health, let alone turned up to the hospital- no matter how well meant it was.

The difference is though, that we are much further down the road, I'm in my 40s and married and I have no issues with my mental health.

In your case OP I wouldn't go to the hospital but I would keep the lines of communication open. Just a text every now and then, phrased so she doesn't need to reply, might mean that if she does need support later on then it's not impossible for her to turn to you.

My parents have never ever tried to contact me to reconcile. Not once. As contrary as it sounds, as much as I don't want a reconciliation, this still hurts me. I feel like they don't care. Don't intrude, but don't leave it like this with her if you can avoid it, she sounds very fragile.

Going no contact with a parent is a really difficult decision. She will have not taken it lightly. You need to respect her wishes and leave her alone.

Throughout the thread you are showing concern which I understand but ultimately the majority of it is about how worried you are, and how you feel about the situation. This isn't about you. It's about your daughter. Please let her try and navigate this as she chooses, and don't disrespect her wishes. If you do then any feelings of being unheard in the past will just be proven.

Sadly you will have to let her go and hope that one day she comes back. But if you keep pushing, you will push her further away

[quote OldTinHat]@Yebbie I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. Did you ignore and cut off your family even if they tried calling occasionally and you chose not to answer or if they sent a text a couple of times a month to ask how you were?

I'm being inflammatory by asking. It's a genuine question. [/quote]
I just ignored them all. They could see what was happening and it would all come to a head because they were so worried about me and I just thought they didn't get it. God I sent some vile texts to my mum, that I hated her, that she just didn't understand me, that I wished she wasn't my mum. I went home for the night perhaps once every couple of months, staying with boyfriend or friends every night. She never once just gave up, she would always text every couple of weeks just to see if I'm ok, I remember she used to say "you don't have to reply, you just need to know we're here." I didn't reply, I'd roll my eyes and moan but deep down I knew she cared and that was important. I acted this way from around 19-22. I hated them for telling me that my behaviour was destructive, that I felt so depressed because of the drugs, because of the friendships I had. My friendship group and the drugs were the only good thing in my life in my head. Turns out she was right mind!

Funny how quick things can change, I cringe at it now I have kids of my own and think oh fuck what are they gonna put me through for my karma..

I say this as someone whose mother repeatedly tried to contact me when I went NC.

Hi @calmgirl

I’m NC with my mother. When I cut contact I literally couldn’t cope with any of her messages, no matter how nice. The nice messages were horrendously painful because she had hurt me so much in the past and caused so much damage that loving messages reaching out to me messed with my head so much, I literally couldn’t deal with them. Or her.

Six years on I still have no contact. I actually moved house so she couldn’t keep turning up at my door shoving cards through the letterbox.

I don’t want to add to your pain, but people go NC because they are in intense mental pain about the past and need to free themselves to work it through separately from the NC person. As hard as it is you need to stay away and stop messaging her for her own good and wellbeing. She knows you love her and cares, so there’s no need to push that any further. It would be much better for her to have peace and silence now so she can work through her troubles.

By leaving her alone you’re actually helping her.

I don’t think every no contact story is the same. Sometimes reconciliation is an option. I personally wouldn’t seek advice from others on the internet for this. Speak to family members who she is in contact with to find out what to do. Your situation is unique to your daughter and your own family and this is a delicate situation that needs to be handled very carefully.

Generally replying now just for some clarification. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment. I appreciate everyone's input. I do realise that the thread reads very selfishly. Perhaps it is a true reflection of my nature although an unflattering one. Since the end of September when she initiated no contact, I emailed her once at the end of November for her birthday. I realised it was unwise but I didn't want her to think we didn't care. I texted her once last week and phoned her once last week when fil said she was particularly bad and couldn't be left alone. I then apologised and that was it. Since she has been in, we could not get any answer as to how bad the overdose was and she was not taking to fil either. We drove to the hospital. Did not try to see her. She gave the nurse permission to give us basic details. I have not contacted her again nor will I unless she instigates it. I realise I have been selfish and made things harder for her. The only thing I can say is that the last few years she has had a history of very compulsive behaviour so we have been uncertain how definite she felt about the no contact, given that she sent small Christmas gifts to us etc. But as I said I completely realise that I have put my own needs above hers and I regret that. I certainly do not plan on interfering in the future however hard it is to hear about her in pain.

@Summerfun54321 thanks for your reply. I wouldn't ordinarily ever post something so personal and I knew it would be a contentious post. I agree that all situations of no contact are different. I will be guided by her wishes from now on and am just glad that she hasn't cut everyone off.

All this no contact is part of cancel culture and in most instances should be ignored. If there is genuine fear or abuse situations then it's understandable but people are so quick to cut ties with family over the smallest thing.

What happened to trying to work the Kuhn problems with people? We have all butted heads with mums and dads and friends but we'll end up alone if we are so quick to cancel them out completely.

Apologies work through problems*

Doesn't read as selfish - reads as a mother in bits over her daughter being so unhappy and unwell.

FFS mothers are not robots. Of course you have wanted to help.

@pinkpillower

All this no contact is part of cancel culture and in most instances should be ignored. If there is genuine fear or abuse situations then it's understandable but people are so quick to cut ties with family over the smallest thing.

It really isn't people have been doing it as long as people have existed.

I am non contact with my mother in the same way she made my father be non contact with his parents. And in my grandparents generation a brother emigrated to Australia to get away it's not a new thing, it's the final and desperate act of someone wanting a sense of control over their life and the boundaries they've made. And you don't know it's a small thing that has driven this or anyone else's need to cut contact and distance themselves.

@Calmgirl this is all very sad and I’m so sorry for you, your daughter and wider family.

If you phone hospital switchboard they may be able to put you through to whatever ward she is on. If she’s not on intensive care, I’d think it was fairly safe to assume she is not dying.

@pinkpillower it does seem to be a growing trend. I do know of a few cases it has happened in but I suppose that could just be said to be the company I keep. Either way she has done it out of pain and I would never say that her feelings weren't valid or that I was not responsible for some of that pain sadly. I would like eventually to work through it if she wants to. That's partly why I'm having counselling to try to stop bad family patterns. At the moment I'd settle for her being safe and well regardless of whether that includes me. I really appreciate your support though.