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Original poster

I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

280 replies

Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:38

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

OP posts:
superram · 22/01/2022 10:40

He’s 18 months you don’t have to do anything to correct it, just make sure it doesn’t happen again. Don’t beat yourself up.

RogerDodger · 22/01/2022 10:42

Chill for starters. You will make many small and large mistakes throughout your parenting life. This is a very small one on the grand scale. Just redirect the cleaner and take DS away in future.

DiddyHeck · 22/01/2022 10:42

He's 18 months, not 18 years. He'll be fine.

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trumpisagit · 22/01/2022 10:42

I think she was being friendly, and actually he does need to get used to other people.
I understand what you are saying but I don't think what happened was in anyway terrible.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 22/01/2022 10:43

"don't pick up my child" would cover it.

I think you're hugely massively overthinking that your child is now confused about consent. Do you ask his permission every time you pick him up? Or do you assume he consents?

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2022 10:44

Chill out. This is such a mountain out of a molehill situation.

For next time, if you're ok with the cleaner/other person touching him, when he looks to you to ask if it's ok, tell him it is. He wasn't showing that he didn't like it, just that he didn't know. He needed you to give your consent that this person is a friend.

If you're not ok with the cleaner/other person touching him then pick him up and move him away.

And just....chill out!

BoozeSuitcase · 22/01/2022 10:44

He will be ok. Ask the cleaner not to pick up the child. Have the child in another room. Asking a baby, is that your nappy? that's a bit weird. I think you have a cleaner problem rather than a parenting problem.

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:45

@TheGoldenWolfFleece I do say "I'm going to pick you up now".

I am not saying he's scarred for life but the way he looked at me confused and I was just smiling awkwardly...That was the wrong thing to do.

OP posts:
MonicaGellerBing · 22/01/2022 10:47

Christ OP. Unclench

hariborabbit · 22/01/2022 10:51

It's not that bad OP. Don't worry about it. He will be fine.

OakRowan · 22/01/2022 10:52

You haven't taught him anything, he's 18 months old he can't learn life lessons, don't worry. Maybe look at how you all use the space in your home when your cleaner is there instead, keep yourselves seperate, have some simple boundaries instead of imagining catastrophes. He's ok.

Landlubber2019 · 22/01/2022 10:54

You are over thinking this, she is a cleaner in your home and should be trusted supervised around your son, if you don't trust her perhaps you need to reconsider the arrangement of her being in his home.

GrazingSheep · 22/01/2022 10:55

How is he going to get used to other people though? He needs these interactions with people.

BakewellGin1 · 22/01/2022 10:56

In the nicest possible way you need to relax. She is probably just being friendly to your child. At some point he will have to mix outside of your bubble. He will be more traumatised in a few years time when he has been kept away from everyone who may interact with him.

If you feel he is in danger that's one thing but I highly doubt the cleaner is a threat and if you feel she is maybe don't have one.

Maybe she was being nice so that he was reassured she wasn't a threat.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 22/01/2022 10:57

@MonicaGellerBing

Christ OP. Unclench
I agree. What a drama.
perimenofertility · 22/01/2022 10:58

I think you're overreacting here. She's hardly a total stranger grabbing your child in the street, she's your cleaner so presumably coming into your home regularly, isn't it nice for her to make a fuss of your baby? Especially as you say he hasn't been around many people because of lockdown. As for you, his parent, asking to pick him up Confused that doesn't teach consent that just raises a spoilt child.

Keepitonthedownlow · 22/01/2022 11:00

He was looking at you for reassurance, which he got. That's the main thing at this age.

Seeline · 22/01/2022 11:01

[quote Bing1983]@TheGoldenWolfFleece I do say "I'm going to pick you up now".

I am not saying he's scarred for life but the way he looked at me confused and I was just smiling awkwardly...That was the wrong thing to do. [/quote]
You tell your child every time that you are going to pick him up?!

betwixtlives · 22/01/2022 11:13

What a drama over nothing. PFB

Soffit · 22/01/2022 11:13

I can be funny like that myself but you are massively overthinking it. It is probably awkward for a stranger to be followed around by the child of the person whom they are working for. She probably doesn't want to have to coo over the child. Your precious bundle is another's random kid but it takes years to fully believe it.

MarshmallowFondant · 22/01/2022 11:14

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Porcupineintherough · 22/01/2022 11:15

Do you think it was ok for her to hold him? If so, then reassure him that it's ok (which you did). If he really doesnt like it he' ll make that clear, then you take him from her. But honestly he just wanted a little reassurance.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 22/01/2022 11:16

Does anyone remember the thread about the women whose child went on a ride at the fairground and all Hell broke loose because he couldn't get off? This reminds me of that.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 22/01/2022 11:18

You say I'm going to pick you up now every time you pick him up? Wait until he's two and throws himself on the floor because he wanted a banana, ate a piece of the banana and now the banana is broken. Children that she aren't rational enough to give consent it's why they need a parent/guardian to do it for them. He was just looking at you for reassurance, this is a friend she's not a stranger, you looking away is odd

MissM2912 · 22/01/2022 11:18

This is mental.
She was showing your child a bit of friendly affection- he wasn’t looking at you to say he didn’t want to be touched but rather to you to show him that she was a safe person.
Our cleaner picked up and cuddled my children loads when they were wee. They haven’t been psychologically harmed.

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