I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

[Bing1983]

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

So how do you interact or play with children that aren’t your own?

Just because someone is small and very cute and you happen to be in the same room doesn't mean you can poke him in the nappy, tickle, or stroke hair. I don't poke or tickle babies or children I am not related to. I don't know why this is considered ok.

If it were me playing or interacting on a casual basis as in the case of the cleaner, then I would stick to verbal interaction, smiling, waving, saying hello, maybe if there was time playing peek-a-boo with a baby, asking about a toy or book visible in the room, or if they liked some music that was playing or some TV show that was on for a toddler or preschool child.

People are misunderstanding (some wilfully) the connection between this everyday community action and consent. It's about teaching the child that their body is respected and not just carting them about like they are property. This will then feed into their sense of self respect and autonomy when it comes to issues of consent later on in childhood if they do sadly encounter potential grooming

I think this is a very problematic view of consent tbh. Telling someone what you're going to do to them before doing it anyway, isn't consent and isn't going to help him understand what consent is or how it works.

Talking to your DC is obviously good for a number of other reasons though. I'm not saying don't do it, but don't mix it up with consent. Two separate issues.

OP, your original post stated "I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries"... that is the part people are taking issue with.

Yes, we all chatter to our babies and toddlers, that's perfectly normal behaviour and you don't need to read a book to know that.

No, we shouldn't grab babies up in a roughshod manner. That is likely to startle and upset them.

But neither of these things have anything to do with consent and the notion that a 18 month old can be "taught" about consent is laughable.

You do seem overly anxious about this and mention "stuff that I've carried over into parenting ". I can only guess that you've been touched inappropriately without consent in the past. But please try not to let your experience colour those of your DS. He will undoubtedly pick up on your anxiety and become anxious himself.

It's healthy for young children to have lots of interactions with other people, even strangers. Old ladies in coffee shops smiling and cooing at babies is perfectly normal. A cleaner tickling and cuddling a baby is perfectly normal. These experiences help young children become sociable, confident individuals.

Pinot has put it brilliantly!

In the nicest way possible OP... Relax at 18months old he doesn’t need to be taught any lessons regarding consent as yet that will all come in time as he grows older & more aware of his surroundings & people in general, what’s done is done now however in future if you really don’t feel comfortable with the cleaner picking him up or fussing over him just be polite but firm that you’d rather she didn’t do those things. I haven’t read through the thread & I’m assuming he’s your first born... I get it as do most other parents the first one is always the one we fret over the most (I was the same with mine 🤦‍♀️ 😄) by the time I had the second & third I was far more relaxed 😂 just enjoy him & don’t beat yourself up over it x