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Original poster

I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

280 replies

Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:38

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

OP posts:

Opalfeet · 22/01/2022 12:25

Consent and boundaries...you're being ridiculous she is just giving your little one some affection

speakout · 22/01/2022 12:28

Is she of a different culural heritage OP?

I only mention that because when I have taken my young chidren abroad it is very commonplace for young children to be touched in a very kind and loving way, often by strangers, waiters, shopkeepers etc,
To us brits it can seem like crossing boundaries, but for other cultures it very normal and acceptable.

Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok.
His world will need to open up at some point.
Most kids will start some form of pre-school nursery at 3- which is only 18 months away, and you won't be there to protect him.

Flea456 · 22/01/2022 12:29

It’s fine, chill. Good that he gets used to other well intentioned people interacting with him. You don’t want him to go through life feeling uncomfortable whenever a hug/handshake/greeting kiss is initiated by someone new.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Behaviour & development Families

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 22/01/2022 12:30

I find it very odd that your DC is 18 months and has never been cuddled outside the family.

WhoAre · 22/01/2022 12:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

dogmandu · 22/01/2022 12:31

I saw something on TV some time ago about babies and boundraries - one of the examples given was that mums should ask baby if it's OK to change their nappy, even though the babies couldn't yet answer.
Maybe OP saw this and is trying desperately to be 'right on'.

Starynight282 · 22/01/2022 12:31

Some friends of ours say goodbye with a hug and peck on the cheek. When DS was 3 he was very affectionate with DH and I but no one else. They went to give him a hug and he didn't want to, in the blink of an eye the male friend scooped him up and held him while the female friend kissed him and then hugged him. I just froze to the spot, didn't want to make a fuss and make things uncomfortable and didn't say anything but I was so cross with myself afterwards. DS has never mentioned it since and 10 years later probably can't remember it. I'm sure your DC is fine.

rainbowunicorn · 22/01/2022 12:31

I feel sorry for you son OP. If you carry on like like this he is going to be one damaged individual. Poor kid.

Alonelonelyloner · 22/01/2022 12:32

Wow.
Calm yourself.
He's 18 months old.
You do not need to teach him that people need to ask for consent every time they interact with him.

If he ends up with the fear about all people by the time he is in school that'll be on you.

saraclara · 22/01/2022 12:32

@Santaslittlemelter

Rigid overthinking by a parent is far more dangerous for a child than not stepping in when someone is a bit in their face.

Yes. You are creating an anxious child, OP.

A toddler learns to manage new experiences by looking to his parents for reassurance.
All it needed was a big smile for him and "are you having a hug with (cleaner's name?" All he wanted was to know that this was okay. She's not a stranger, so it was.

You really need to relax a bit in order to give him confidence in the world around him.

JugglingJanuary · 22/01/2022 12:33

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

"don't pick up my child" would cover it.

I think you're hugely massively overthinking that your child is now confused about consent. Do you ask his permission every time you pick him up? Or do you assume he consents?

It's official, the world has gone nuts!

He's was looking at you because his whole life has been lived in a covid world. Human interaction is unusual for him, that's all.

Consent, FMD, he has NO idea about CONSENT.

His world needs to be bigger than just you.

He needs to learn that other people care about him too.

2bazookas · 22/01/2022 12:35

She's been to his home several times so she's not a stranger; she's a familiar figure around the house , someone his mum knows.
For the sake of his social development and mental health, a child needs to gradually expand their circle of acquaintance and familiarity. The safe start is "among people known to his parents".

I would not forbid her to touch him. She's regularly working in your home with your toddler at her heels and in your shoes I would anticipate she will sometimes need to touch, lift, comfort or rescue him (from climbing stairs, falling over etc). Or direct him or warn or praise him. Come down, don't touch, stop that. Thankyou, good boy, well done. He needs to learn what is normal in a familiar social relationship and she is one of the known adults he's accountable to.

FoamBurst · 22/01/2022 12:35

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when your ds has a meltdown over nothing as kids do and you're there in the middle of a soft play /shop or wherever saying 'I'm going to pick u up now.' and they throw themselves back kicking and screaming. And you're trying tk get out and precious ds doesn't want to be picked up.
Or when the play centre is closing as ds doesn't want to be picked up to get shoes on and leave.

ahcmonnow · 22/01/2022 12:35

@Starynight282

You froze to the spot?? Fucking ridiculous. DS hasn't mentioned it since...even more fucking ridiculous.

FoamBurst · 22/01/2022 12:39

Do you expect his keyworker at pre school to also say I'm going to pick u up if they fall or something.
My dds keyworkers, hug the children and nurture them.. Pick them up if needed.
I don't think they have time to announce everytime they're going to do it.

I shudder to think when all these dcs grow up and don't know what normal people are like. Are they going to run off ringing 101 when someone goes to touch them, or on a date and the person may step close to maybe have a handhold. What are they going to do run off screaming he/she held my hand! Fucking hell,

2bazookas · 22/01/2022 12:39

[quote Bing1983]@TheGoldenWolfFleece I do say "I'm going to pick you up now".

I am not saying he's scarred for life but the way he looked at me confused and I was just smiling awkwardly...That was the wrong thing to do. [/quote]
No, it was completely the right thing to do. By smiling you confirm to him all is well. This is our friend who comes to the house to help us. You are safe .

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2022 12:41

Please don’t be one of those parents, who thinks they need their child to consent to everything. You will seriously piss off your friends and you won’t be doing your child any favour when he thinks he runs the show. I’m talking about toddler, who refuses to get in the car or to put their shoes on and so forth whilst you stand around for the next 45 mins cajoling him.

username1293948 · 22/01/2022 12:42

Get. A. Grip.

saraclara · 22/01/2022 12:42

No, it was completely the right thing to do. By smiling you confirm to him all is well. This is our friend who comes to the house to help us. You are safe .

Perfectly put.

Though next time your smile needs to be full, relaxed and reassuring, rather than awkward, OP.

Cheekypeach · 22/01/2022 12:42

Anyone else remember the thread where the mum wanted to make ‘bodily autonomy’ cards that her toddler could hand to anyone who touched him or tried to play with him 😂 this reminds me of that.

Tillymintpolo · 22/01/2022 12:44

Do people seriously think like this ?? Christ 🙄

saraclara · 22/01/2022 12:46

Sorry for the overposting! But at some point in your child's life there's going to be a bit of an emergency where someone else has to look after him. It might only be a minor emergency and someone watching him for ten minutes, or worst case scenario, a bigger one. It happens to everyone at some point.
Your DS needs to have a circle of people that he trusts and is comfortable with. You need to be building that circle, not limiting it.

Servalan · 22/01/2022 12:51

Op, I hope you are OK.

I really hate the way that AIBU can turn into a load of hostility against an op - especially if the op is posting from a position of anxiety.

I agree with posters in that you are worrying unnecessarily and there is a danger of passing your obvious anxiety onto your child - and you really need to address this - but I also acknowledge that we know fuck all about what has got you to the place where you feel so anxious.

I hope that amongst all the negativity you are able to draw out the positive points of what people are saying about the importance of socialisation, not passing on your anxieties and how opportunities to teach about consent will arrive at appropriate times.

I've been on the receiving end of an AIBU pile on before (under another name) and I found it very distressing (I did learn useful stuff from it, but I did feel pretty beaten up. I think folk forget that their small dig is part of a deluge of other such comments and that cumulatively it can be pretty overwhelming for the OP. Particularly if you are anxious).

bonetiredwithtwins · 22/01/2022 12:53

[quote Bing1983]@TheGoldenWolfFleece I do say "I'm going to pick you up now".

I am not saying he's scarred for life but the way he looked at me confused and I was just smiling awkwardly...That was the wrong thing to do. [/quote]
Seriously?

He's 18 months 😂 can't wait for the terrible twos when he says no and you have to pick him up...you know...without his consent 😂

Servalan · 22/01/2022 12:53

(btw, not saying that everyone replying is having a dig - there's lots of constructive advice here too)

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