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Original poster

I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

280 replies

Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:38

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

OP posts:
whatmagicword · 22/01/2022 12:53

Christ on a bike the worlds gone mad!

LuckyMeISeeGhosts · 22/01/2022 12:53

Total overreaction.

Echobelly · 22/01/2022 12:55

At this stage I think it is more important he gets used to contact with/from other people than understands 'consent'; remember we were probably all picked up by all and sundry as babies and toddlers but most of us don't have consent issues!

@2bazookas is spot on - the worst thing you could have done would to have looked worried or angry, and smiling reassures him he is safe. It's normal for babies and toddlers to look a bit preturbed during contact someone new - it doesn't mean their mentally scarred by every encounter, we'd all be 'damaged' if that were the case.

'Boundaries' are not about saying no to every single thing, they're about knowing your own mind and setting reasonable ones - something a kid can't do at 18 months old anyway.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Behaviour & development Families
whatmagicword · 22/01/2022 12:57

He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

this is nuts! so Aunty Joan can touch him but not Aunty Sue !

Disneyblueeyes · 22/01/2022 12:57

Glad I'm not the only one.
Stop being so uptight. Chill out.

Damnloginpopup · 22/01/2022 12:59

You must sack her and never let anyone else into your house. It's the only way.

Avarua · 22/01/2022 13:00

You might need help with your anxiety as your response to this is not typical and may be detrimental to your child if left unaddressed Flowers

Parker231 · 22/01/2022 13:01

Hugh overreaction - children need to interact with people in different situations. Why has he been cuddled by so few people? The Covid restrictions for meeting people ended ages ago.

ddl1 · 22/01/2022 13:01

If it were that easy to teach small children lessons, good or bad, there would never be any discipline problems! I'm sure no harm has been done. He does need to get used to new people eventually, but you could explain to others that he isn't very used to meeting people outside the family, due to being in lockdown and then under restrictions, and ask that they don't pick him up. The one thing here that I think really needs to be discouraged is people touching his nappy (unless it's someone who's likely to be involved in changing his nappy). For the rest - I think if he really hated to be picked up, he'd show it by crying or resisting, and he just wasn't sure about it in this case. If you had smiled and shown that this was 'Mummy's friend' I think he would have been OK.

NatriumChloride · 22/01/2022 13:02

Are you always such a drama queen? Hmm

Libertynan · 22/01/2022 13:04

FFS

I have no words

whatmagicword · 22/01/2022 13:05

Haphephobia (Fear of Being Touched)
Your child is at risk of developing Haphephobia and could grow into a very reserved child with few friends.

User48751490 · 22/01/2022 13:07

Wait until you have really serious stuff to contend with...

Marvellousmadness · 22/01/2022 13:08

Sounds like you suffer from first child syndrome. Jeez Blush

Badhairday101 · 22/01/2022 13:09

Im curious about what you plan to do when he doesn’t consent to you picking him up, getting him dressed, putting him in his car seat, taking him to nursery etc?

Nomorefuckstogive · 22/01/2022 13:09

@BoozeSuitcase

He will be ok. Ask the cleaner not to pick up the child. Have the child in another room. Asking a baby, is that your nappy? that's a bit weird. I think you have a cleaner problem rather than a parenting problem.
I agree. It’s odd. Find a new cleaner.
Tsuni · 22/01/2022 13:10

Is it because you think “the help” can’t be trusted and they’re all dangerous?

Janesmom · 22/01/2022 13:12

Crazy. Wonder what OP’s approach to “consent” will be when the baby doesn’t want its nappy changed or refuses to get dressed?

SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 13:18

[quote Bing1983]@TheGoldenWolfFleece I do say "I'm going to pick you up now".

I am not saying he's scarred for life but the way he looked at me confused and I was just smiling awkwardly...That was the wrong thing to do. [/quote]
How exactly do you think he'll cope with childcare/nursery/teachers/medical professionals etc.
are you expecting all of then to get informed consent?
You know he's not Gillick competent right?

whatmagicword · 22/01/2022 13:21

BoozeSuitcase

He will be ok. Ask the cleaner not to pick up the child. Have the child in another room. Asking a baby, is that your nappy? that's a bit weird. I think you have a cleaner problem rather than a parenting problem.

FFS What else do you say to an 18 month old baby! It was just chit chat to a child such as "who's a cheeky boy" etc. If I was the cleaner I would leave right away, I would not feel comfortable if the baby fell over and I was in the house even in a different room for fear of being held responsible.

Guineapigssweak · 22/01/2022 13:21

Wow what an overreaction! You are going to give your child anxiety in the future with your rediculous behaviour!!

Summerfun54321 · 22/01/2022 13:22

If you don’t like her or trust her then don’t employ her, no need to make up a strange reason to sack her. Our old cleaner loved my DC, it was lovely to see.

gindreams · 22/01/2022 13:22

The OP post actually offends me for all those struggling with actual consent issues

What a massive over reaction

blippishutup · 22/01/2022 13:23

I'm planning to send dc nursery and I'm only hoping the key workers there show this level of affection when dc falls or needs a cuddle or when dc performs a almighty tantrum. Young children need these social interactions. I feel sorry for them right now as it is because for the past two years, everyone is buried in masks anyway and have been limited with social interactions. Babies can't even interact with a social smile because they can't read it due to masks. I feel sorry for my dc who has been limited with that for the past 2 years not seeing friends and family. It does take a village to raise a kid.

This isn't a stranger at a bus stop undoing your dc's pushchair straps and randomly picking him up. I would be so upset if I was the cleaner for simply acknowledging your dc, showing affection. Maybe she was just trying to be kind and not that overly interested in your dc anyway? Maybe she doesn't think your dc is as cute but wanted to show kindness just by complimenting you to break the ice because you seem like a anxious person? I would be so uncomfortable with this if I was the cleaner and would never bother to interact with either of you which is a shame for your dc.

Neondion · 22/01/2022 13:24

Seriously.

In the nicest possible way OP, there is a time and a place to appropriately discuss and teach consent and outside of this there's parenting. Telling your child (and therefore seeking consent) before you pick him up is not going to work. How would you react if he doesn't want his seat belt on? Doesn't want to be strapped into a buggy? Doesn't want to hold your hand and instead wants to run free along a busy street? And that's not even considering day to day life experiences in nursery and school where compliance with routines and everyday interactions is implied and not explicitly discussed each time?