I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

[Bing1983]

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

By refusing to allow him to socialise, the only lesson you will teach him is that other people are something to be afraid of.

First child?

Get a grip.

I can't understand why you wouldn't be delighted that your cleaner is showing interest in your ds.

You say he has hardly seen other human beings because of the lockdowns, and I'd be more thinking that he hasn't been socialised very well yet if he is anxious about someone who he knows picking him up and showing him attention

OP - I do not make DD kiss or hug people she doesn't know, and am very clear with her about her personal boundaries and right to say no.

However...

You are massively overthinking this and need to chill out. You haven't taught him some major life lesson with this one single incident.

Drama over nothing. Person who clearly loves your little boy was being affectionate. Your child wasn't distressed. You're more likely to cause issues for him by demanding that nobody can touch him. Bloody hell, not everyone is a pervert.

In that instance (he was calm, but uncertain) he wasn't looking at you for help with consent: he was looking at you to check that this person was safe, and he wasn't in danger. That's perfect, appropriate, toddler behaviour, and shows that he's securely attached to you - well done!

At his age the way to teach good boundaries around consent is simply to be on his side if he's actively unhappy or tries to move away from someone. Don't insist on him staying with someone if he's crying and trying to get away. I don't think you would though, since you seem attuned to him.

When he's a fair bit older (starting school?) you can start to drop in little bits of advice at teachable moments. It really will happen quite naturally!

Something a friend told me when DD was tiny - and I've learned the truth of myself - is that you actually get lots of chances to get something right in parenting. Sometimes you don't handle something quite right... but you can be sure that the same situation will come up again.. and again. You can change how you handle it next time and that's really fine.

She wasn't a stranger though she was your cleaner who you trust to come into your house, so there's a world of difference there.
I think it's fine to say "oh Ben's not keen on being picked up by people he doesn't know" or similar but apart from that, she was being friendly and if your ds didn't cry and wriggle to be put down then he was probably ok, just a bit confused because he's not used to people.
To be honest, I'd go a bit the other way and start encouraging him to socialise a bit more, otherwise he'll find it a struggle when he starts school or nursery.

Jeez. MN at its best.

Get a life OP. She was being nice. It does happen.

I only opened this thread to see the reaction to the amusing typo - ie 18 months in place of 18 years. And it turns out it's not a typo. Astounding.

Op children evolved in groups. For most of human history toddlers would have had multiple adults caring for them (read the excellent book the world until yesterday by Jared Diamond to learn more about this from a learned anthropological perspective as I suspect you would want to see proof!)

We are social animals by nature. The unnatural part of what you describe is lockfown and an 18m old who has only been picked up by his parents. How lovely thst he is learning that other adults think he is cute as well and are also safe to be around.

When my son was 6m old we travelled through Spain. Waiters would literally take him from my arms..without asking [email protected] whisk him to the kitchen....without asking! And pass him around the kitchen staff chuckling and cooing at him. They assumed this would be welcomed by us ! As it is totally normal in their culture to care for children and therefore give the parents a break. A total stranger once in Spain offered to hold my son while we finished doing our shopping! She said just leave him with me I'll give him cuddles. She seemed baffled we said no!

Please reframe what is normal here.

Surely this woman wasn't really a stranger.
Interaction with other people is essential for toddlers, if you're not happy with him being picked up that's ok but keep in mind that he needs interaction with others.

Crikey.

Whaaaaaaaaat? Teaching 18 month old about consent? Don't you think it's more likely that he was just thinking who is this lady? Rather than actively being uncomfortable. I think this is a massive overreaction & you're going to burn yourself out if you keep on like this.

@toppkatz

By refusing to allow him to socialise, the only lesson you will teach him is that other people are something to be afraid of.

That.

He wasn't showing that he didn't like it, just that he didn't know. He needed you to give your consent that this person is a friend.

And that. You sound highly anxious. I suspect that covid isolation is behind some of this, and I really worry for this generation of toddlers that may not have had normal physical interaction with anyone other than their parents.

Is it the fact that the other person was a cleaner that bothered you? If she had been a doctor or a teacher would that have been more acceptable to you?

Aw, I think you sound like a lovely caring mum. In this instance I think I would have gone over to toddler and held his hand and reassured him and chatted to him. So he knew you were happy as the cleaner was a friend who could be trusted. If you aren’t too sure about how the cleaner interacts with him then either get another cleaner or avoid her interacting with him somehow by taking him out in buggy perhaps when she is there?

I know what you mean about being all British though. I do this now with my puppy ! People come over to pet her and it takes all my courage to say, actually she doesn’t like that I would prefer you didn’t!

I’d be much more concerned about reaction to a perfectly normal, human interaction with an infant. She wasn’t trying to steal him, I wonder what we’ve done so wrong that cuddling a baby is seen as wrong or inappropriate.

Expecting very small children to give active consent to every physical touch is so inappropriate - they developmentally aren’t there yet, they need adults to communicate about safe relationships and I assume you consider your cleaner to be a safe adult?

Isn’t it good to get them used to other people?

Good lord

OP, just keep repeating to yourself “it takes a village to raise a child”, and stop projecting your anxieties onto your son.

@SouthOfFrance

Is it the fact that the other person was a cleaner that bothered you? If she had been a doctor or a teacher would that have been more acceptable to you?

A stranger? Or a regular visitor to your home?

If it was the former you could say "hand him back , he doesn't like strangers".

In this case. Chill.

I’m worried how OP will cope with the terrible twos with this approach.

“Is it okay if mummy picks you up petal, or would you prefer to continue having a hideous screaming fit in the middle of the supermarket aisle for the next hour?”

Hahaha