I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

[Bing1983]

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

@mathanxiety

I think you need a new cleaner.

Who pokes a child in the nappy? I know there are cultures where people are far more touchy feely with babies and small children they don't know, but poking the nappy is odd.

You should have intervened earlier when you saw behaviour you weren't comfortable with - the tickling and hair stroking for instance.

So how do you interact or play with children that aren’t your own?

[quote dogmandu]@ahcmonnow
Funny that, none of mine ever had tantrums. Of course I would say, we are going to the shops now or time to get dressed but every single time I lifted them..100 times a day...no.

you have proved the weakness of your argument by having to exaggerate (100 times a day). The moment somebody does this it is a sign that they have no valid response to the original post so they have to try to make the original post look stupid.[/quote]
You're gas. Ok, answer me this, do you tell your child what you are doing every single time you lift them?

This gets the 'over dramatic post of the month' award for me. For your child's sake and your own, chill, what manner of precious little monkey do you think you will end up raising if you are fretting about such a ridiculous thing? When did this neurotic behaviour take root in our society? It's so sad.

Do you remember who picked you up when you were 18 months old? If she's that un trustworthy why is she in the house?

Baby will be fine they don't understand consent yet

You're gas. Ok, answer me this, do you tell your child what you are doing every single time you lift them?

No

@dogmandu

You're gas. Ok, answer me this, do you tell your child what you are doing every single time you lift them?

No

But neither does Op. She said she says to them 'I'm going to lift you up'.

When mine were little, I talked to them a lot. I notice my DIL always explains to hers exactly what she's doing and why. She takes time and effort to engage with them and I notice how this brings them on.

@dogmandu

You're gas. Ok, answer me this, do you tell your child what you are doing every single time you lift them?

No

Exactly. Most people wouldn't but OP implies she does...

This is what I'm trying yp communicate but it seems a lot of people don't get this approach and would just grab their child and change their nappy anyway

I have often just grabbed my baby when I smell him, swiftly change his nappy, grab a snuggle when I am at it and pop him back where he was. I will not give him a running commentary on what I am doing. He doesn't need that every time I lift him.

When mine were little, I talked to them a lot. I notice my DIL always explains to hers exactly what she's doing and why. She takes time and effort to engage with them and I notice how this brings them on.

But I never asked their permission

Since anxiety is known to be highly heritable, I would think it would be even more important for highly anxious parents to encourage sociability and confidence in their children.

Not read the whole thread (sorry!) but on my experience most babies and toddlers will make it very clear if they're not happy with something and won't spare anyone's feelings so are likely to give or withdraw consent quite clearly!! Eg a toddler arching their back when they don't want to go in their car seat, throwing their blanket off in the buggy etc. .,,
I get what you're thinking long term and obviously kids are vulnerable but in a safe loving home with trusted adults I think this is one parenting worry too far

We all know that chatting to babies and kids is great!

What is weird is letting someone so untrust worthy into your house.

If you can't trust the cleaner to not abuse your child then don't let them in.

If she's not abusive then why can't she have a cuddle? If you want her to ask first tell her.

Just relax a bit. Parenting will be easier if you don't turn everything into a threat OP.

Can't you go out and do your shopping or something while your cleaner is there?

Other than that, take your son into another room.

She didn't mean any harm, was actually being nice but if your son doesn't like it, he'll move.

I honestly read this thinking it was a joke. Please get help with the anxiety OP. It'll do way more damage than other friendly people interacting.

Maybe you could get him a T shirt with DO NOT TOUCH ME on it.

I did the same with my then 4 year old and felt awful. I apologised to her and committed to do better next time.

I just realised I used to clap my hands and hold them out before I picked up my children.
While I can see your upset, I think he will forget it by the time he is alseep.
But you have been letting this woman interact with your child so just tell her to stop.
Otherwise your Baby will have a mum problem.
However to be honest about 2 they shout NO to people.

@Bing1983 sorry I didn’t read the full thread and thought you were asking him if you could pick him up. In fact you’re chatting to him and explaining what is happening which is really nice.
I’d not worry about the cleaner thing I think he’ll be fine and won’t remember it.

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

You say I'm going to pick you up now every time you pick him up? Wait until he's two and throws himself on the floor because he wanted a banana, ate a piece of the banana and now the banana is broken. Children that she aren't rational enough to give consent it's why they need a parent/guardian to do it for them. He was just looking at you for reassurance, this is a friend she's not a stranger, you looking away is odd

Absolutely agree with this. I don't ask permission to pick my tantruming 2 year old off the floor of Asda.

If you think the cleaner is overstepping either say something or keep the child away in the future.

I don't think this is therapy fodder though.

You sound very over protective.

Jesus Christ this cannot be real.

If it is, please urgently get help for your anxiety as it's going to rub off (if it hasn't already,) on your son.

That in itself is FAR more damaging than anything you've written about in this thread.

Plus, you don't make sense. You say about consent when you're not asking for consent, you're telling your son what to do next, not asking, not getting consent.

Sounds like you've got so wrapped up in this 'consent' lark that it's gone totally backwards and bonkers.

I fully understand consent and will be drilling it into my DDs head when she's if age, but holy cow.

You sound unhinged. And really hard work. Perhaps re evaluate and don't have a cleaner if you want to keep your DS in this warped bubble.
If you carry on like this he's going to grow up with social anxiety. What happens in childcare settings. School. Nursery.

Madness. Utter madness.

@saraclara if you actually read my posts instead of jumping on the bandwagon you'll see that I'm doing the same as you. I'm not asking my boy, but I'm telling him before doing.

I did read your posts but you didn't read mine. I wasn't denying what you said you do with your child. I was taking issue with you saying:

" They are saying they don't tell their toddlers what's going to happen next and implying that to do so is snowflake nonsense"
...And pointing out that no-one has said that. They've said they don't ask for consent. Not that they don't tell their children what's happening next.

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall.

@saraclara where exactly have I said I ask for my son's consent before picking him up please?

Well, I think telling an 18 month old that you’re about to take his hand to cross a road or whatever is snowflake nonsense 🤷🏼‍♀️ general chatter about the day is normal, but doing it purely to instil notions of ‘consent’ (even though they’re not consenting) is ludicrous.

There’s something about this ‘nervous’ parenting that I think causes more harm than good, the kids will grow up deeply neurotic and distrusting of adults, having seen them apparently incapable of taking command & deferring to toddlers.