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Original poster

I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

280 replies

Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:38

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

OP posts:
TyrannosaurusRegina · 22/01/2022 11:20

@MonicaGellerBing

Christ OP. Unclench
This.
SofiaSoFar · 22/01/2022 11:21

[quote Bing1983]@TheGoldenWolfFleece I do say "I'm going to pick you up now".

I am not saying he's scarred for life but the way he looked at me confused and I was just smiling awkwardly...That was the wrong thing to do. [/quote]
What would you do if he refused to be picked up?

rwalker · 22/01/2022 11:21

You've lost me read it twice still can't see the drama .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Shapiro · 22/01/2022 11:22

How sad that every person is viewed with distrust and perfectly normal kindness and affection is viewed as invading a child’s personal space.

Try going abroad to places like Africa where natural affection is not curtailed or frowned upon.

Wnkingawalrus · 22/01/2022 11:22

@Landlubber2019

You are over thinking this, she is a cleaner in your home and should be trusted supervised around your son, if you don't trust her perhaps you need to reconsider the arrangement of her being in his home.
This! Why would your cleaner pose any danger?! My kids see more of our cleaner than they do their grandparents.

Many kids that age are wary of other people, I know my two year old was for quite a while. Now is the time to start getting them used to being around more people.

AlternativePerspective · 22/01/2022 11:23

Good god woman get a grip.

TBH I think it’s unlikely that he was looking to you for consent to be held by this woman, more likely that you’ve projected your anxieties on to him and have already taught him that he’s wrong for interacting with people.

You are in danger of raising a seriously anxious child who is unable to interact with other people and will be a spoiled brat into the bargain because he has to give his consent for everything.

Ploppy1322 · 22/01/2022 11:24

Give yourself a break hon, he's only 18 months old and you're still learning how to parent, this won't have any long term effects and you'll feel more comfortable intervening next time if you think it's needed. If he'd been upset he'd have let you know so no harm done, he's no doubt a bit shy and was just checking mummy is still there. There's a long road to go with teaching boundaries yet!

MissM2912 · 22/01/2022 11:24

What are you going to do when he goes to nursery?? Or if he has to go to childcare? Do you think nursery staff ask ever toddler if they want picked up every time they need their nappy changed or moved about?
Quite often they might say ‘let’s go get your nappy changed’ but it isn’t a request.

Wnkingawalrus · 22/01/2022 11:24

I am not saying he's scarred for life but the way he looked at me confused and I was just smiling awkwardly...That was the wrong thing to do

Yes it was. It’s your awkwardness that’s caused the issue OP. You really need to relax otherwise your anxiety will get passed onto your son. It was hardly a stranger picking him up in the playground. This was someone who will presumably be coming into your home weekly.

ahcmonnow · 22/01/2022 11:26

@MissM2912

What are you going to do when he goes to nursery?? Or if he has to go to childcare? Do you think nursery staff ask ever toddler if they want picked up every time they need their nappy changed or moved about? Quite often they might say ‘let’s go get your nappy changed’ but it isn’t a request.
This.

And also please cop on.

NoddyMcdoddy · 22/01/2022 11:27

A cleaner who has come to your home on a few occasions is hardly a stranger.
Your baby has not learned any life lessons about consent from being picked up by a person whom you have invited into your home.
If you don’t want your cleaner picking your baby up or touching him tell her so.

How would you react if your baby fell over in supermarket, car park, park and a stranger rushed to pick him up, remove him from danger ?

FlibbertyGibbitt · 22/01/2022 11:27

But she’s not really a stranger is she ? She’s been to your house for a handful of times, presumably for a couple of hours at a time ? Do you want your child to feel scared of her or comfortable in her presence ? If a stranger in a shop did this then yes !

WonderfulYou · 22/01/2022 11:29

You are massively over reacting here OP.

You do not need to tell your toddler every time you touch them/pick them up.

There’s a massive difference between having consent to do something in an inappropriate way to touching a toddler in a non sexual way whilst playing with them.

When they get to school the other children will always be touching them - it’s how they learn to interact and play.

I think you may have some issues from your past which you need to get help for. You don’t want your issues to impact your child’s childhood.

MissM2912 · 22/01/2022 11:30

Presumably you want to raise a confident, sociable child. You do this by allowing him to interact with lots of people, let him learn to mirror their faces, respond to social interaction. You were in the room- he wasn’t at risk. As long as he has a strong attachment to you he will learn the right social skills as he gets older and will naturally learn when to be social but not to the point of over familiarity.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 22/01/2022 11:30

you havent taught him a terrible lesson about consent

Beamur · 22/01/2022 11:32

@MissM2912

Presumably you want to raise a confident, sociable child. You do this by allowing him to interact with lots of people, let him learn to mirror their faces, respond to social interaction. You were in the room- he wasn’t at risk. As long as he has a strong attachment to you he will learn the right social skills as he gets older and will naturally learn when to be social but not to the point of over familiarity.
This is spot on. Your DS was looking at you to reassure him, it's ok to interact with people and he does need to learn how to do this - with your supervision and guidance.
MrsGHarrison87 · 22/01/2022 11:32

You need to find the right balance of healthy human interaction and situations that can be potentially dangerous. You're going too far one way. Lighten up.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/01/2022 11:32

I have a rather sad image of this toddler growing into a physically stiff and reserved adult who can't be hugged without a consent form Sad

Inthesameboatatmo · 22/01/2022 11:34

In the kindest way op chill out.
I can't believe you actually say to you're 18 month old that you will be picking them up. Will they not be going to childcare or nursery? Because those settings certainly will not be asking consent from a baby .

Servalan · 22/01/2022 11:34

Op, you say that this is your stuff that you've carried into your parenting. Is this stuff that you've ever worked on for yourself? Not asking you to unpack that here, but it does sound as though there's a certain amount of projection.

I think you need to be careful that you're not teaching your son to be anxious around people/that people cannot be trusted.

I agree that it's important to have boundaries. For example, my DD has never wanted to kiss relatives and often doesn't want to hug them and despite my parents being a bit upset about it, I was always very clear that I was never going to be the sort of parent to say "don't be silly, give xyz a hug" and I always reassured DD that she only needs to hug and kiss people that she wants to hug and kiss and her body is hers.

I think it is fine to say to the cleaner that you would prefer her not to pick your son up, but I think if you had reacted negatively when the cleaner had picked your son up and he was looking quizzical rather than distressed, you could have caused him bigger problems down the line as he would have picked up on your anxiety.

I do think you need to gain some perspective, and I think maybe the way to do that is do some work on yourself and why you're so anxious about this - whether through counselling or thinking it through

clinchlinch · 22/01/2022 11:38

He's looking at you because he wants to be reassured that it's ok. He wasn't uncomfortable with what she was doing it was making sure this is normal because it clearly seems like you have had him wrapped up in cotton wool and doesn't have any interaction with a variety of adults & other children.

He's going to be shocked when he starts nursery/school.

Justgorgeous · 22/01/2022 11:38

OMFG. Relax.

WhoAre · 22/01/2022 11:39

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ChardonnaysPetDragon · 22/01/2022 11:40

I agree.

Everything you've taught him about consent up until now, all those precious first 18 months, gone.

How is he ever going to catch up? I'm fuming on your behalf.

Hmm Or not.

jollygreenpea · 22/01/2022 11:41

Here's a grip op, ffs.

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