I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

[Bing1983]

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

He was probably a bit off because he doesn't know her. He was not sexually assaulted, although she may have overstepped, it's not clear

You're one year old is looking over at you like any child would, highly unlikely to be anything sinister

Oh god,I often picked up my next door neighbours small child, I'm now feeling guilty. Actually knowing themI don't think they were the least bit bothered,

@PuppyMonkey

I’m worried how OP will cope with the terrible twos with this approach.

“Is it okay if mummy picks you up petal, or would you prefer to continue having a hideous screaming fit in the middle of the supermarket aisle for the next hour?”

😂😂😂

This has to be a piss take, right? If not OP you need to chill out. A lot.

PFB

Seriously get a grip.

@WhoAre - He’s a potato? What does that mean ?

Give me strength.

What @EarPlugAfficionado said 🤣🤣

Jesus Christ. 18m old and consent to be cooed at. I’ve really heard it all.

WhoAre
he's basically still a potato

A sweet potato though

[quote Justgorgeous]@WhoAre - He’s a potato? What does that mean ?[/quote]
I take it to mean he's basically a soft lump which gets carried around and isn't really consulted about his opinions on things.

It's not pejorative.

OP I think you are being give a hard time here. It is great that you have reflected on this and are aware of the importance of teaching your child about consent over what happens to their body. Yes, your reaction is a bit extreme for the situation, but that’s how lots of us respond when it really hits us for the first time that our responses have the potential to impact significantly on a child who looks to us to show them what is okay and what is not. I don’t think your reaction is to the specific situation, but more to this bigger realisation and that’s why it feels a bit overwhelming. I don’t think you need to worry about making this “right” just model things differently in future. As others have suggested, go and hold your child’s hand or reassure them in some way to show them it is an adult they can trust. Or, redirect your cleaner to a different interaction if you really think your child doesn’t feel comfortable with being tickled etc. - perhaps say, “DC doesn’t really like being tickled but we’ve been teaching DC to wave/high five (or whatever), please try that with him instead” that way your child gets used to interacting with others, but without you or him feeling uncomfortable. If there’s something for you that is triggering about boundaries, you might also want to seek support for that to help you manage things as he grows up.

A real non issue, but by the way you said you came over as “ All English “ implies that the cleaner isn’t English.
Many other Nationalities are much “ Freer” than English are-
I’d never touch or pick up anyone else’s baby , but some women go Gaga over babies - even strangers babies.

I had exactly this happen to me! I never let the cleaner return as it completely overstepped the mark. She briefly kissed his tummy while he was on the change table and so that was that. At the time it happened fast and so I was polite but took my child from the situation.

You are being over dramatic. He isn’t going to take any lesson from it.

Next time just tell her that he’s not used to strangers and you’d prefer she leave him be.

Never take him to Italy.

We have family there and my children’s feet never touched the floor when they were small, someone was always scooping them up.

She’s not a stranger if she’s been coming into the house and interacting with him for several weeks it’s not the same as if it had been some random person in the street in terms of teaching that it’s okay for strangers to touch him.

I think you are overthinking this, he’s only 18 months old and he was probably just confused because he’s a lockdown baby so hasn’t experienced getting to know new people, he wasn’t crying or distressed or anything. I would let it go and if you’re really worried about the way the cleaner is with your son (even though ut sounds fairly normal to me) try and arrange to go out when she’s there.

Rigid overthinking by a parent is far more dangerous for a child than not stepping in when someone is a bit in their face.

Do people actually have the time to think about this stuff?

A lesson in consent?

A person picked up a cute baby. Unless there is a massive drip feed about being them COVID positive/ a known child abductor/ baby was dangled over a pit of ravenous crocodiles, YABU.

Absolutely ridiculous. How do people live like this.

FGS, what a fuss about nothing.

When I had my first we were living in the hospital where my OH was doing his house jobs. All the world and his brother used to pick her up and pass her round in the mess from a very early age. She loved it - and they all loved her!

She is a happy gregarious adult and has no problems with boundaries.

I really do think you are over-thinking this.

Good grief! I’ve thought for a long time that the world is going crazy, now I KNOW it is!

I just think it is so,so sad that some parents view other people as a danger to their children, when in reality most cases of child abuse come from members of their own family and not ‘strangers’

I wonder how OP would feel if her cleaner totally ignored her son, presumably she would be happier with that because at least she’s not crossing any boundaries?! It seems people can’t do right for doing wrong.

@MarshmallowFondant

Fast forward 2 years and the OP will be the parent standing in the soft play looking at her child running riot on the play frame saying weakly "Please come down Hugo, time to go home. Hugo, do you want to put your shoes on now. Please Hugo. Hugo, Mummy is asking you nicely now." and on and on and on trying to get "consent" from a pre-schooler.

Jeezo OP. You might have your own issues from childhood but work through those with professional help rather than taking it out on your son/cleaner.

So true!