Devastating news and friends responses

[Yummypumpkin]

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

I have absolutely no idea what’s going on because you haven’t actually told us what’s happened

It's hard to know without knowing what the bad news is - in some situations those replies would sound a bit curt but appropriate, in others, awful! Also depends how much you communicate by text. For me a text is what I send quickly on the move - if a friend had bad news I would reply briefly, but would then get in touch to check in later on.

I'm glad it has amused you DarlingDarwin.

I have stage 1 bladder cancer and have lost my job.

It’s impossible to judge without more information.

Yep. Knowing what the news is would help to work out if the responses are appropriate...

Sorry to hear they haven’t been as supportive as you want. Do you want to share the issue here for some practical advice / support?

Very very much depends on what it is. Citizen Advice am assuming financial so not death or ill health?

Well, it depends entirely on what’s happened. I presume nobody close to you has died as citizens advice wouldn’t be my first port of call for that.

Are these usually good friends?

I'd be devastated, are they normally do heartless??

Those are really shit responses from your friends, OP. They should have phoned you or arranged to meet up.

Are you getting treatment for the bladder cancer? Thank god it's not advanced beyond stage 1, but it must be very frightening for you.

How did you lose your job? How long had you been working there?

I wouldn't say they are normally heartless, no. Thank you RiverSkater. I'd say normally they are supportive and we get on.

@Yummypumpkin I’m so terribly sorry to hear that. And that you have had such flippant replies from them (and on here). The friends sound awful. Is there a possibility that they misunderstood? I know I’m clutching at straws with that :(
Xx

It was an insensitive reply OP, I’d be upset too

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Wow. I'd not be getting in touch with them again. You're better off without friends who consider that supportive - or appropriate.

I'm sorry though. Not only do you have cancer and are now jobless, you're discovering people you care about don't reciprocate. That's horrific. I want to come over with Caine cake and a hug.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis and losing your job. Are they linked - did you lose your job because of the cancer diagnosis?

I agree those replies don't sound very supportive in the circumstances, but is there more back story to the friendships? Is it possible they feel like you often need a lot of support from them? Could they think you are lying for some reason (I'm not saying you are, but could they think that?).

Or are they just not very good mates? In which case, now is the time to quietly move on as you're not going to need any extra stress or drama in your life at this time.

Maybe they don’t know what to say? Some people aren’t all hearts and flowers and to be honest they did pretty decent advice! It’s stage 1 so 100% could be worse and if you’re in finanacial difficulty citizens advice are the people to speak to

Ah I'm so sorry
I do think they're not good responses for the situation
I have felt really let down before by my family's response to a situation
I don't understand people sometimes
Please talk on here if it helps

Thanks Squeaking Tiger. They hshave clarified details so have not misunderstood. The replies I typed out were after clarifying questions, which I answered.

I am trying to think this is about shock, feelings of impotence and being wary of extending themselves emotionally.

I thought someone might help me frame this in that light.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Are you for real? And even if stage 1 cancer would be water off a duck's back for you, that doesn't mean that (m)any people would react that way, or could be expected to. Not least because the road to recovery isn't necessarily plain sailing.

FFS.

Oh, you poor thing, what a horrible double-whammy.

I wouldn't dwell on your friends' responses - just seen what sort of support they provide. People can be terrible about responding to bad news and there is a type of person who (annoyingly), honestly believes saying 'it could be worse' is helpful in cases of illness. I hate it; you obviously hate it too, we're far from alone. But if these are generally good friends, I'd assume that person meant well.

The point about citizens advice confuses me a little - do you go to them about employment issues? I don't know - but perhaps they think you'd have a case against your employer if you lost the job as a result of something connected to the illness?

The third response sounds perfectly ok, just brief.

I think maybe you're just feeling so hurt and shocked by the news that you needed more. If they're good friends, you could say just that and they will do their best to help.

Not good responses and I would pick up my phone and call you. 💐

Pretty awful really.
I’d expect them to pick up the phone and arrange a catch up and support.
Not sure I’d contact them again.