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Original poster

Devastating news and friends responses

260 replies

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:18

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:30

I wasn't sacked because of the diagnosis.

Work do not know.

I don't think they think I'm lying. I've always been very healthy and had a good career so it would be a sudden change in character.

Two male friends have been super.

It's my female friends who haven't.

Perhaps the poster who said I've asked for support too much in the past is right.

Thanks.

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 15/01/2022 18:30

@Rabblesthecat

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Really? You’re not very empathetic then. Telling someone with stage 1 cancer that it could be worse & stage 4 is just tone deaf.

Sorry OP, those are crap responses from your friends. I would expect more. Sorry things are so tough for you right now.

Sheabutterisdelish · 15/01/2022 18:31

Yes I'd be really upset, also some of the replies on here are just downright horrible. I'd also be over in a shot with cake and to put the kettle on xx

Yuckypretty · 15/01/2022 18:31

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis.

This is a hard pill to swallow but just because you are empathtic and attentitive and deserve support from your friends it doesn't mean that they are capable of being empathtic and attentitive to you. Some people just struggle to be empathtic and even people who are empathtic can be bad at communicating their empathy.

Some people are willing to be supportive but need direction like...telling them you need to see them so that you can offload or process your feelings. Others will be better at practical support like taking you to medical apps.

Please don't take it personally that you didn't get supportive response...yet.

I wish you all th best Flowers

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:32

And to clarify I've been made redundant not sacked! It just feels like I've been sacked, if you know what I mean. I have explained the details to friends.

OP posts:
gabsdot45 · 15/01/2022 18:32

Those are not very supportive replies to such awful news.
Do you have anyone else you can speak to.
You can speak to MN of course we'll be here.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/01/2022 18:33

@Yummypumpkin

I'm glad it has amused you DarlingDarwin.

I have stage 1 bladder cancer and have lost my job.

Jesus... Those are lame responses to unployment plus cancer Flowers

It sounds pretty rough. Do you have income protection? How.long were you with your employer? Was it more than 2 years?

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:35

Sorry I'm not tagging you all but am reading you all.

Yes I wanted them to pick up the phone.

I don't need any other help. Just a phonecall.

Maybe they do think I'm lying as one person says. But it feels very odd to send letters to them!!!

Do you think it's shock and in afew days they will call?

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 15/01/2022 18:35

Many people can't cope with the association of cancer and will shy away until you are deemed recovered ( although you will never be the same person again after a cancer diagnosis even if you are deemed to be 'cured)....you will however find support from people you have previously thought of as merely acquaintances..... you may pick up with your 'froends' again later down the line... that choice is yours .... I wish you well in your treatment 🍀

Erictheavocado · 15/01/2022 18:35

Is it possible that they just don't know what to say, so have made a clumsy attempt at a quick reply, rather than taking time to come up with something more appropriate and risk you thinking they don't care? I would find it hard to respond to a text and would possibly end up causing offence .

alwayswrighty · 15/01/2022 18:35

@Yummypumpkin

I am so sorry to hear your news. I hope you have a full and swift recovery Flowers

What was the situation with work? I have found ACAS very good and I had employment legal on my home insurance, maybe worth a chat with them?

Dailywalk · 15/01/2022 18:36

Your friends don’t sound very supportive. I’m not surprised you are upset. If it was me I’d perhaps respond with ‘I’m devastated. Two pieces of bad news’ and see where the conversation goes from there.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:36

@Totalwasteofpaper no income protection. Single. Renting. Less than two years.

I think that's why the citizen advice comment hurt...I'd already taken excellent advice before telling that friend.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 15/01/2022 18:38

I am so sorry to hear about your health, job and friends OP.

If they aren’t normally like this, I suggest you pick up the phone to them, and talk it through. Or arrange to meet up.

People sometimes find it hard to know how to respond to cancer and/or are so relieved to hear it’s stage one that they can be a bit useless, and that may be putting them off engaging with your job situation.

I’d take the lead here. If they don’t respond to your lead that’s a different matter.

Georgeskitchen · 15/01/2022 18:39

Very sorry to hear this news. Perhaps your friend thought that as it's at stage one there is a chance of a good prognosis? Although I do agree it was worded very thoughtlessly!!
Wishing you strength to get through all of this xxx

krustykittens · 15/01/2022 18:44

I am so sorry, OP, I agree with you, cold and dismissive replies to awful news. I would expect a phone call and the offer of a shoulder to cry on. I really hope things get better for you soon. xx

alexdgr8 · 15/01/2022 18:45

maybe you are mistaking acquaintances for friends, even if you have given them a lot of care/attention/help in the past,
they may not be so invested in you.
it's a mistake i have made in the past.
re the redundancy, make sure to sign on as unemployed the day after your employment ends.
any gaps in NI can cause big problems later, esp if you are off sick.
and maybe look up support groups for that condition; more likely to understand, give useful tips.
good luck.

Geom372 · 15/01/2022 18:45

It really hurts doesn't it OP. I've been through similar with my so called friends. It really makes you reevaluate things. I dont know why this happens, I really don't I've asked myself if shit friends are better than no friends. I haven't decided yet. I hope you make a good recovery and get some decent support along the way.

RunningFromInsanity · 15/01/2022 18:48

Not good but could be worse

I can’t believe I have to say it but if someone tells you they have cancer, no matter what type, what stage or how curable, this is never ever ever ever an appropriate thing to say.

Just hearing the word cancer is one of the most terrifying things that could happen to you.

MorkandMandy · 15/01/2022 18:49

So this isn’t their initial response to the cancer diagnosis? Which aspect is this a response to?

Babyroobs · 15/01/2022 18:52

@Yummypumpkin

I'm glad it has amused you DarlingDarwin.

I have stage 1 bladder cancer and have lost my job.

If you have lost your job because of the cancer then speak to the Macmillan support line. They have an excellent work support team who can advise. Also speak to the welfare rights team regarding benefits. I'm Sorry to read what you are going through. You may be able to apply for Universal credit depending on your situation ( savings , partners income, whether you have rent to pay / kids etc ).
Roselilly36 · 15/01/2022 18:52

So sorry OP, they aren’t friends, good luck with your treatment. I had a diagnosis of MS 1O years ago, friends that I thought would support me didn’t, others that I didn’t think would did. Sending you very best wishes, going forward Flowers

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:53

I'm not worried about my health, really. I'm having one small.operation which I understand is less distressing than the exploration and a very few chemotherapy sessions.

I am worried about my job.

And definitely I feel in need of the sort of hugs, cakes etc that you all talk of.

I guess they are just acquaintances. But one at least has leant incredibly heavily on me with quite trivial concerns (daily video calls where she cries and I console her. I've never seen or treated her concerns as trivial. It's only her response now that baffles me).

To poster who said make a move myself, I feel I have. None of them said, keep me updated, or let me know how you go.

Sorry to be a little misery bucket. I do feel better for the support on here.

One of the 'friends' was my sister. I have actually blocked her I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
orio · 15/01/2022 18:54

@Yummypumpkin I am really sorry to hear this, I would feel the same as you to be honest. I suppose it depends how important these people are to you if you bother to contact them again.
I would be tempted not to contact them and if they contacted me with some innocuous issue I would have to point out that I was busy dealing with my own issues.

Riverlee · 15/01/2022 18:54

So the replies weren’t in response to the cancer diagnosis, as such, but to individual questions.

Therefore, suggesting the Citizens advice bureau may be a legitimate response to the question asked.