Devastating news and friends responses

[Yummypumpkin]

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

They aren't behaving like friends. if a friend sent me that, I'd phone them

If you have messaged them with this (big) news, perhaps they have naturally assumed you would rather have contact via text rather than a call. I would think that way about a few of my friends who I know hate talking on the phone in normal circumstances if they messaged me your type of news. Is a lot of your contact usually messaging?

Perhaps try either try calling them, or message to ask if they would have time for a chat, either on the phone or face to face sometime soon.

Im really sorry OP, Im glad you have some friends giving you proper support. Your friends are either not as nice as you thought or maybe struggling to know what to say.
Still hurtful.
MNers are thinking of you

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Yeah I wouldn't say that

@Yummypumpkin

I'm glad it has amused you DarlingDarwin.

I have stage 1 bladder cancer and have lost my job.

Aww, sorry to hear that, op.

And sorry you had to find out your friends are selfish shits at this time.
Did your workplace know your situation? What bastards anyway.

I'm so sorry for your news. There must be so much on your mind at the moment.

There is a short video by Brene Brown about empathy Vs sympathy. I found it really helpful to understand why I often felt my emotional needs weren't met by friends and how lax people are at understanding what is needed from them in these situations. It's on YouTube.

Cancer is awful, losing your job on top is horrendous, your friends responses weren’t kind or considered and some of the responses on here are just awful.

I had stage 1b cervical cancer, lost my womb and my fertility, have had countless gynaecology problems since and suffered a huge emotional toll.

Stage 1 cancer is not a walk in the park😡

I wish you well with your treatment op💐

Well, they are surprising responses OP. I can only think that you've been a bit of drama llama in the past they don't believe you?

Sorry to be harsh but you asked and I'm trying to imagine what would solicit such a curt response from me.

Agree with this, if you want someone to talk to call a friend. They may assume you are texting because you dont want to talk and they may really feel bad for you but that doesnt always come across in a text.

I didn't tell a single person about my cancer diagnosis face to face, or talking over the phone. Not a single one. I couldn't cope with their reactions and knew it would tip me over the edge.

I either texted them, including my closest friends, or I got someone else to tell them. They all responded how I would expect people who give a shit about me to respond.

The responses the OP got were completely shit and not normal.

@Toanewstart22

You were sacked?

Why?

No. As clarified it is a redundancy. Most recent join to a financially underperformed company. Assured of a "glowing" reference and a "celebration of all I have brought".

What work don't know is my emotional and financial vulnerability due to my health.

To clarify I texted to say:

Can you talk? Not urgent but had some bad news and would rather not text

I then had Lucy, A, J, Rebecca reply to say too busy to talk.

I then told the news as my job situation and added my job hunt was complicated by my health uncertainty.

I guess the first two responses could be people who are trying to avoid the 'oh I'm so sorry, let me know if you need anything' response and trying for something more constructive and helpful, but still very weird.

Jesus Christ OP.
I’m so sorry for you.
Is the job loss related to your illness?
Are you/were you in a union?
I’m sorry those friends replied as they did because it’s very unsympathetic.
Citizens Advice can help you with getting benefits or give you advice re the job situation.
You must be scared shitless.
Of course Stage 4 cancer would be worse because you’d be close to death but fucking hell - no-one commenting or presumably your friends know what you are facing in terms of treatment, pain, prognosis.
It’s the typical brush off response from people who don’t care that much.
Please keep posting and tell us what’s happening

Perhaps going forward you should call your friends or tell them in person. Texts are quite flippant, and you tend to get flippant replies as a result. It happened to me during my investigation for bone cancer. I couldn't bring myself to tell my family and close friends, I couldn't even say the words, so I texted them. Big mistake, they all messaged back with a variety of good luck hun, here if you need me and I felt devastated.

I disagree, I think it makes complete sense that some people find it easier to deliver bad news over text as opposed to a phone call with each friend.
I'm not sure why a text would mean the cancer is any less serious

Thank you Omicrone. I had several weeks before telling anyone. I understand what you say completely.

It isn’t them so why should they care?

Selfish gits.

Sadly, you learn who your friends are in trying times.

Thank you @Blue4YOU

@Omicrone I would say your approach was normal.

It's true that moments like this show you who your real friends are.

That's awful, so sad for you OP. Terrible news and very poor responses. I don't understand how a friend would fail to be devastated by either of those pieces of news. Either of them alone is a massive cause for concern.

I think texts can come across badly and not as the friend intended. 'It could be worse' could be part of a conversation when you are talking through the situation and the friend knows there is a positive aspect to it, .e.g. very treatable, very good chances. Even so it still sounds flippant to me. I think as others say, see how they continue to respond and try not to dwell on the initial reactions.

@YourVagesty

A search through my post history will see I've given compassionate advice on rape, abortion, DV and other issues.

These are points raised years after with friends, if relevant to their situation, and to offer empathy and hope.

I'm grateful for your perspective but the anger and judgment that lies beneath it isn't something I welcome into my life right now.

You may well be right that my self awareness is much lower than I think.

I'd rather not have more dialogue with you right now since your point, even if well intentioned, was not composed thoughtfully.

Sorry your going through this op.
If these are good friends or even your sister I would tell them you feel hurt and you expected more as if the situation was reversed your own reaction would be different.

These are terrible responses. I would have called you and then come around with a cake or sent you one. I am sorry.

People have become very self-centred in the pandemic.

I first thought this thread was about me.

Today my friend texted me with some awful, awful news.
No way would I ever ring her. She texted for a reason.

If you asked to ring then and they said they were busy then that’s not their fault.

It’s also hard to no how to reply and found sensitive over text.
I’m worried I didn’t come across well when I was texting my friend but when someone gives you such bad news there’s not a lot you can say.

Why not ask to meet up in person?

@Bonhex I really relate.

Coincidentally a male friend has been going through cancer treatment for a year.

We messaged regularly. I was aware I might say the wrong thing but thought silence and embarrassment would be worse.

I've later learned none of our mutual friends were even told.

I guess a certain type of friend is what I need, and it might not be my previous ones.