Devastating news and friends responses

[Yummypumpkin]

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

I have two friends who are like sponges, sucking up attention, but you'd have to squeeze hard to get any support back. I have recently decided to pull back and focus on the friends who genuinely care how I'm feeling when things are tough for me.

I hope you are ok OP and focus on your needs.

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis op.
My daughter expierenced similar to yourself when diagnosed last year with stage 3.
She has made new friends since, most who have had cancer and been in the same boat. They all have a different outlook on life.
Wishing your treatment goes well.

@WildFlowerBees

If my friend messaged me and told me news like that I'd have picked up the phone and called them. I'm sorry op sometimes people are shit. Could it be they don't know what the 'right' thing is to say?

See I wouldn’t because the message was by text. I’d have thought oh they don’t feel up to an intrusive phone call from me, otherwise they would have phoned me. They’ve probably got other people they want to talk to more than me, or they’d have called me.

Sometimes people are afraid of doing the wrong thing, or they don’t know what is the right thing to do.

Ask for support then see what their response is.

See I wouldn’t because the message was by text. I’d have thought oh they don’t feel up to an intrusive phone call from me, otherwise they would have phoned me.

I'd think they were too upset to talk.

Lots of people are struggling just now. I know that feels like small comfort or no comfort but it's true and I think people are stretched so thin that they sometimes can't offer emotional support to others.

I had bad news this week (on top of a completely awful year) and I texted family and friends to tell them. No-one picked up the phone at the time and a few of them were quite dismissive.

A few hours later, one of them called me. I think they'd realised their text was cold. The next day, another one called ... then another. There are still some who haven't and like you, one of them is a sibling. I understand why you feel upset and probably even a bit lonely.

I'm telling myself that everyone needs kindness atm and recognising that all the media coverage of the Downing St parties is throwing up a lot of emotions for people as they share what they missed last year.

You don't have to be the bigger person here ... but you should be kind to yourself. Their response is no reflection on you.

So very sorry to hear about your diagnosis and the flip way your friends responded.

Any type or stage of cancer is a shock. I do hope they reach out and give you support. And yes, I would be very hurt with a response like that.

@kitcat15

Many people can't cope with the association of cancer and will shy away until you are deemed recovered ( although you will never be the same person again after a cancer diagnosis even if you are deemed to be 'cured)....you will however find support from people you have previously thought of as merely acquaintances..... you may pick up with your 'froends' again later down the line... that choice is yours .... I wish you well in your treatment 🍀

This ^. The people who you haven't met yet, or who you consider just acquaintances often turn out to be a real tower of strength, while "friends" don't know what to do or say. It's the same with bereavement. You find out who your real friends are when the shit hits the fan.

Very sorry to hear your bad news OP. Please treat yourself well and try not to worry. People will come forward to help you whether it seems like it or not.

Op.

So sorry about your news OP. I’d be hurt by those responses too. Hope they redeem themselves in the next few days, and if they don’t then pull back a little. Horrible but true fact that you find out who your friends are when times are shit.

Everything crossed that the treatment goes well xx

To clarify I texted to say:

Can you talk? Not urgent but had some bad news and would rather not text

I then had Lucy, A, J, Rebecca reply to say too busy to talk.

I then told the news as my job situation and added my job hunt was complicated by my health uncertainty.

I'm really sorry to hear your news, and how your friends have reacted. I thought from your OP that perhaps they hadn't quite known how to react by text, but you've pointed out you actually wanted to speak to them.

Personally, if a friend messages asking to talk, I tend to assume it's because something major has just happened and try to drop everything as quickly as possible to chat to them. I think it's quite selfish that your friends didn't do this for you, but I suppose I don't know how their own mental health is right now, and if they felt able to support someone.

There's a saying, 'put your own lifejacket on first' and being charitable, perhaps they have their own big problems and just didn't have the emotional capacity to be better. It's also possible that they don't have much experience of people dealing with cancer and/or they don't want to think about what it means, because you are actually very important to them.

From experience, when big, bad things happen, some people just don't know how to react. They don't.

Before you write off your entire emotional support network (they haven't initially covered themselves in glory, but you could do with a large emotional support network as you are going through a lot), I suggest you send a text blast along the lines of the following:

"I'm still reeling from the double whammy of losing my job and being diagnosed with cancer. I wouldn't know what to say to myself either, but I'd love to have a chat with you soon, as calling rather than texting is what helps raise my spirits. We've been friends for a long time, so please don't worry about saying the wrong thing; I just want to hear your voice as that will help me feel better."

If they don't make time to chat to you after that, then I agree that you may need to find some more sources of support, pronto.

I prefer to text rather than call, but a couple of my friends are the opposite. When I'm having a bad time, often they'll text me. When they're having a time, often I'll call them. You shift your own phone preferences when one of your mates needs you.

Again - because it hasn't been said enough - I'm so sorry you are having to cope with all of this that's been thrown at you. I really hope your friends step up soon and/or you find some lovely people to help support you IRL. I also wish you the very best with your treatment, and in finding meaningful work that pays the bills.

You're clearly in a lot of pain, but I think by posting here you're showing that you know what you need to feel better, and you should channel that into telling your friends straight what you need. At times like these, you should ask for what you need. And you should get it.

@MamaGaia

I’ve had cancer. It completely amazed me that people who were my close friends were crap, but people who were simple acquaintances or colleagues became super supportive. It’s an odd one for sure.

I think some people simply don’t know how to take or handle bad news and so they respond poorly. Wait and see how they are over the next few weeks but if there’s no more support, then you know who your real friends are.

I've had a lot of bad news over the last couple of years, and I agree, it can be eye-opening who steps up to be there for you.

Don't be afraid to ask mere acquaintances for support. They can turn into your best friends in the blink of an eye.

@YourVagesty

Well, they are surprising responses OP. I can only think that you've been a bit of drama llama in the past they don't believe you?

Sorry to be harsh but you asked and I'm trying to imagine what would solicit such a curt response from me.

That's a shit post.

OP I'm stunned by those responses. The only thing I can think of is that people are going a bit weird at this stage in the pandemic and may not be able to cope with your news. They are shockingly unempathetic though.

Funnily enough this has happened to me. I have three close friends that all know of my cancer diagnosis. Two of the three have been in touch, via different methods, offering support, shoulder to cry on etc etc..... The one friend, I have not heard from at all. To my knowledge I've not done anything to upset them, and we were speaking before all this happened.

I've thought whether they did not know how to approach me, but have dismissed this idea....even someone with the social skills of an oncoming truck would be able to send a 'how are you' type message.

I've taken the view that the next time we meet, I'll be civil, but that will be it. No more 'friend type' conversation, and if they notice and raise the subject, I will tell them how I feel and the reason for this.

I like to think that I am a supportive friend in all situations where support is required, so if ever they need support in the future (if our situation remains unresolved) they can go fuck themselves. This would be difficult behaviour for me, but friendship is a two way street, not one way.

I would be upset by those responses but have realised a lot of 'friends' are only 'fair weather' friends.

I hope your treatment for cancer goes welll and you have support from other friends and family.
To the OP who says 'Stage 1 easily cured' I have had cancer, surgery, a course of six chemotherapy sessions with complete hair loss and the other usual side effects. This was followed by 20 radiotherapy sessions, four weeks of five appointments at a hospital an hour from home and then 18 infusions of another drug. Easily cured though!

Good luck

Sorry for your distressing news.

You’ve asked what is going on and so I’m going to be honest: I think you’ve cast your net too wide.

It seems from your texts that you sent a similar text to about ten people (4 sets of initials that didn’t respond appropriately, 2 male friends who’ve been great, another 3 sets of initials did respond and a woman that text back including details of a holiday rental)

I can’t imagine wanting to share that news with so many people in one go and especially not with someone who hadn’t responded to me about a holiday rental for sometime.

Focus on the one one or two good friends who can really offer support. Best wishes

Honestly it seems a fairly supportive text to me? Stage 1 isn't stage 4 (so could be worse ) citizens advice is excellent advice.

Sorry failing to see the issue?

Sometimes it's difficult to "read" a text in the right tone

@PegasusReturns

Sorry for your distressing news.

You’ve asked what is going on and so I’m going to be honest: I think you’ve cast your net too wide.

It seems from your texts that you sent a similar text to about ten people (4 sets of initials that didn’t respond appropriately, 2 male friends who’ve been great, another 3 sets of initials did respond and a woman that text back including details of a holiday rental)

I can’t imagine wanting to share that news with so many people in one go and especially not with someone who hadn’t responded to me about a holiday rental for sometime.

Focus on the one one or two good friends who can really offer support. Best wishes

There's some merit in this analysis.

I hadn't realised I'd contacted so many people to be honest! I mean I hadn't added it up!

I suppose its knowing who I thought I was closest to aren't really going to be there is hard...though it is good maybe others will.

@secretrugbyfan sorry to hear that and I feel the same x

Your friends response isnt nice at all. Cancer is scary whatever stage it's at and to lose your job too is awful op. I hope you have people around to support you x

So sorry your friends have let you down, it's a horrible thing to comprehend when you are dealing with everything else.
Sending you a virtual hug OP

Apologies but I’m a little confused.

Are those text responses to your cancer diagnosis or redundancy? Or both?

@RedHot22

Apologies but I’m a little confused.

Are those text responses to your cancer diagnosis or redundancy? Or both?

As explained I've told them of my job loss and how the difficulty with getting a new one is my upcoming treatment, needing time off etc

So both

Although of course every exchange has been unique

So sorry @Yummypumpkin. If that's in response to you breaking the news then theyre very cold and distant responses. Have you got others you can lean on?

'That sucks sorry'????
That's the kind of thing you say if you tell someone you've lost theatre tickets or got a flat tire (with an offer to pick you up). But to a cancer diagnosis? Pathetic.
If you were my friend I'd offer to come over, say I'll take you to appointments if need be and just be a shoulder to cry on.
A friend who I only see in a group (so not close) told us her cancer diagnosis and we took her out, listened to whatever she was going through, took her some meals, and one went round to walk her dogs when she wasn't up to it (she has a husband and 16 year old daughter so not on her own).
I can't imagine just texting a one sentence reply.

I think whats going on with me is I'm hyperdependent but would like some looking after in the coming weeks.

These people aren't up for that.

I will need to get through it on my own.

I will though draw the line at taking their video calls about their dating woes etc in the next few weeks.