Devastating news and friends responses

[Yummypumpkin]

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

What tone were their initial questions, the ones they asked and you sent clarifying details?

Tbh, I would be feeling as if someone had kicked me in the stomach if those texts were sent to me.

I hope you can find support from your other friends. I would be inclined to cool it completely with the ones who sent those replies. You need to protect yourself from stress.

Even the thought of one of my friends being diagnosed with cancer (any kind/stage) is enough to move me to tears, I would be devastated and would ask if there is anything practical I can do to support them while they go through treatment. I'd be straight on the phone and offer as much emotional support as needed. I'm so sorry your friends have been so shit, I would feel completely let down by those responses too.

Wishing you all the best with your treatment and hope you make a quick recovery. I'm glad you've at least got some supportive friends to help you through this difficult time.

You were sacked?

Why?

Wow, those responses are bizarre! I cannot imagine doing that to a friend

You text so they text. You set the tone.
Try phoning them.

@Yummypumpkin

Thanks Squeaking Tiger. They hshave clarified details so have not misunderstood. The replies I typed out were after clarifying questions, which I answered.

I am trying to think this is about shock, feelings of impotence and being wary of extending themselves emotionally.

I thought someone might help me frame this in that light.

Is this the first they’ve heard of your cancer?

The replies sound reasonable for the job loss.

I’m wondering whether they already know about your cancer and the job loss is on top of this, or you’re one of those people who always has drama going on, similar to in another recent post on MN. Otherwise I can’t think of any other reason for their shitty responses

x-posted somewhat with your last post.

Some people are just takers.
And one of them is your own sister.

In this message
We’re you telling them about both the cancer and the sacking?

Yes, these friends are not worth it, do you have people who can support you OP?

If my friend messaged me and told me news like that I'd have picked up the phone and called them. I'm sorry op sometimes people are shit. Could it be they don't know what the 'right' thing is to say?

Can understand why you'd feel upset with such un-empathetic responses from friends. People often do struggle to know how to respond. It doesn't help how you feel, hopefully they'll realise and provide more support

Your friends are either crap, totally self absorbed or don’t know you as well as you think in terms of reacting appropriately (or maybe all of the above).

I’d be acknowledging how crap both bits of information are and asking if you want me to pop round with a shoulder to cry on / cake / wine / gin.

I hope your redundancy package is enough that you can get to grips with your diagnosis and op before having to rush into looking for another job xx

@TracyMosby

You text so they text. You set the tone. Try phoning them.

You sound absolutely lovely.

@TracyMosby

You text so they text. You set the tone. Try phoning them.

Agree with this, if you want someone to talk to call a friend. They may assume you are texting because you dont want to talk and they may really feel bad for you but that doesnt always come across in a text.

@Yummypumpkin

a cancer dx is a great way to thin down your Christmas Card list.
When I told one of my eldest friends I had cancer he said "Ew yuk. That's disgusting."
I'm not sure which is worse - that kind of response or people who've never had cancer lecturing you about "how it's no big deal these days".

Dont waste time on them. Focus on yourself. Best of luck with your treatment.

@Reallycantbesarsed

Not good responses and I would pick up my phone and call you. 💐

Yes, think I would too.

I'd give the friend the benefit of the doubt though, maybe she wasn't able to call you. Texts can be tricky and perhaps she didn't really know what to say.

I'm sorry about your news and I'm sorry you felt let down by your friend.

I think the 3rd text is fine. The other 2 not so much. But in acknowledging it sucks and saying sorry xxx is totally fine to me. Or maybe I'm also shit at this sort of thing!

I'm so sorry OP. I got similar reactions when my ds attempted suicide. I found strangers on mumsnet were a lot more sympathetic.

I have lost a lot of “friends” in the last year whilst DH has been in hospital after emergency lifesaving surgery and a very long road to some sort of limited recovery.

Several people I would have said I could rely on have disappeared completely. A couple wanted all the gory details, then disappeared.

It made me very depressed once I realised they were gone permanently. Some of them we had helped through illness, divorce etc previously.
One friend of 20 yrs recently sent me one message, after 8 months of silence, saying she thinks about me a lot and hopes I’m ok but don’t bother to answer as she knows I’m busy, basically shutting the door on a conversation.

On the flip side people I never expected to have become my rocks. Hopefully you’ll find some of those friends.

I hope your treatment goes smoothly, that and job hunting must be incredibly stressful. MN is here if you need to rant or a handhold

In all likelihood they just don't know what to say and/or don't want to upset you. If you want their support, tell them. How will you know if your sister has replied again if you have her blocked.

They're horrible responses. I would have expected ones like, " I'm so sorry. Ring me to talk about it, or come over if you can."

If you were my friend, my answer would have been "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want to talk? Should we meet up somewhere?"

Your friends' reactions are heartless (or perhaps clueless? Some people are very inexperienced with dealing with bad news)

@Rabblesthecat

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Oh come the fuck on - that would really be your first response if your friend told you they had cancer?

I have had curable cancer, and not a single person responded with 'oh well it could be worse' as a first response when I told them. If they had I would no longer be in contact with them tbh. They all responded with stuff along the lines of 'oh my god, that is such horrible news, am here for you if you need anything' like normal people!

Obviously down the line there were conversations about how actually I was incredibly lucky and who I could get in contact with for financial assistance etc but not when I first told people the news.

I am so sorry. A lot of people struggle when something awful happens to a friend. In their wish to be positive they will often come up with platitudes - I think the intention is to be helpful but it comes across as uncaring and flippant. IME bad situations or crisis really sorts out which friends are willing to be uncomfortable and stick with it while they try to support you, and which cannot.