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Original poster

Devastating news and friends responses

260 replies

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:18

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

OP posts:
PearlclutchersInc · 15/01/2022 19:24

Texts arent great for empathy; for that you really need to call people.

I'm so sorry for whatever it is.

JanisMoplin · 15/01/2022 19:28

@YourVagesty

Well, they are surprising responses OP. I can only think that you've been a bit of drama llama in the past they don't believe you?

Sorry to be harsh but you asked and I'm trying to imagine what would solicit such a curt response from me.

This is such a strange response to the OP.
Fraternaltwin · 15/01/2022 19:33

@Yummypumpkin

I'm glad it has amused you DarlingDarwin.

I have stage 1 bladder cancer and have lost my job.

I wonder if they were trying to be positive in terms of a cancer diagnosis, ie, it’s good that it’s not more advanced. Regardless of them thinking it could be worse, it’s pretty worrying news to receive about your health. The news about your job throws in a whole new level of worry so I’m not surprised you were hoping for more empathy from your friends.

I’m so sorry you’ve received this awful news and I can’t imagine why a friend wouldn’t pick up the phone, send a card saying they were thinking of you, ask if you needed anything, took you out for lunch or just for a walk and let you talk about how you feel. To me they all feel like appropriate responses, rather than the ones you received.

Hope your treatment goes well and you’re soon well again.

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 19:34

So they already knew about the cancer? You were texting about your job and they asked questions and had a conversation and then gave these responses.

Depending on what they were doing when they said they were busy, I can understand they xouldnr be available right then.

But on the other hand I would tell my friend I couldn't speak then but arrange a time to call or visit.

I dont think, the responses are quite as bad as originally presented but do also think they haven't been great. It's hard to say wether yabu or nor as we have no idea what they were doing or what's going f qith them either

Itsalmostanaccessory · 15/01/2022 19:34

@Rabblesthecat

You should ask mumsnet to delete your comment.

Stage 1 bladder cancer has a high survival rate but not as high as anyone would call easily curable. It is about 80% which mean that 20 people out of 100 do not survive 5 years. That is not a statistic to say "oh dont worry, easy."

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your friends better come up with some reason for their awful responses quickly.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 19:38

@AlDanvers

So they already knew about the cancer? You were texting about your job and they asked questions and had a conversation and then gave these responses.

Depending on what they were doing when they said they were busy, I can understand they xouldnr be available right then.

But on the other hand I would tell my friend I couldn't speak then but arrange a time to call or visit.

I dont think, the responses are quite as bad as originally presented but do also think they haven't been great. It's hard to say wether yabu or nor as we have no idea what they were doing or what's going f qith them either

I have addressed this.

I did not tell anyone about my health problems, the seriousness I've been increasingly aware of for 2 months.

In telling people of my job loss, I mentioned my health situation to explain why I am anxious about applying for new jobs when I will need time off.

I am sorry to be rude: you really have typed something that is factually wrong, which a read of the thread would inform you of and I'm not sure what your purpose was?

I may be down. I will not take that without comment.

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 15/01/2022 19:38

I tried to guess what was going on from your first post and l assumed some run in with a dodgy builder or tradesmen. Rather than cancer and no job. There is a disparity in my opinion between what has happened and their responses. Time to take a step from them. In all honesty I’ve tried to challenge people about their lazy unsupportive behaviour but they rarely change or make more effort. They normally get annoyed about being called out about it

dafey · 15/01/2022 19:40

This threads proves how weird some people are, some of the responses are just 🤔

Backwards31 · 15/01/2022 19:40

I'm so so sorry OP. God what shitty friends. Their responses would devastate me if I was in your shoes. If that was my friend or sister I would be straight over there and nothing would stop me. I would be there anytime needed to offer support in any way. I would also financially help them until they were back on their feet as much as I could. Regarding your bladder I am so sorry. I suffer with a bladder condition Interstitial Cystitis and it nearly destroyed me mentally and physically. I know the agony of pain there. Im always here if you want to chat❤️. If you can at all apply for disability benefit/allowance. I am in ireland so I don't know the rules in the UK or other countries but I got mine easy enough thank God. And maybe ring the council on Monday and see if they can help you with housing. I hope your ok 💔

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 19:41

Someone has written a v kind comment above with stats.

Can you please note I have asked advice though only in terms of my friends.

My personal strategy is to avoid Internet research and stats.

I try to cultivate optimism, peace and joy each day and what will be will be.

I understand my doctors are very positive.

Please, please don't post medical info on this thread or I will have to stop reading.

OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 15/01/2022 19:41

It sounds like you've got a lot going on OP, and it's not too much to reach out and ask for some reassurance.

I'm sorry that your friends have let you down. Sometimes it's in situations like this that you get a clear picture of who they really are.

It's good you're talking here though.

cansu · 15/01/2022 19:42

I think the number of people who would actually genuinely want to give proper support are often less than we think. Many of my 'friends' are mostly people I get on well with and enjoy meeting up every so often for a chat. They are not likely to have much to offer in a crisis. I have one person who would genuinely want to be there for me. I think this is pretty common.

anon12345anon · 15/01/2022 19:42

Op, I am so sorry, Flowers for you x

It sounds like you are having an absolutely shit time of it X
My issues pale into insignificance, but after my marriage broke up, the friends I thought would really step up for me, haven't bothered at all. I was/am deeply hurt.

Right now, you are number 1 - and you need to put yourself first.
Let the selfish fuckers make an effort for you (if they do).....
Put yourself out there, and you may find people stepping up for you, that you weren't expecting X

Again so sorry for the shit time you're going through Flowers

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 19:43

Thanks @BoodleBug51 the thread didn't get off to a great start for me but I am feeling better than I've felt in a few days. It is an amazing place here.

OP posts:
ListeningButNotHearing · 15/01/2022 19:43

So sorry to hear this @Yummypumpkin

At least you now know who your true friends are.
Dump this lot and stick to the special ones.
Not that it's any consolation but this really isn't that unusual as there are a lot of selfish takers out there.

Good luck the sun will shine again for you x

MrsBerthaRochester · 15/01/2022 19:45

Im so sorry op. These people are not real friends. I went through similiar last year when had a mental breakdown and tried to kill myself. Only two friends were actually physically there for me. The person who let me down the most was my dad who tried to cancel seeing me(in two years) as he was to frightened of covid.
I hope that you get a positive prognosis.

Omicrone · 15/01/2022 19:45

@Yummypumpkin I'm so sorry you are going this too, I hope that the treatment all goes well and indeed the 'world doesn't end' (or however that poster upthread put it Hmm) and that you are also able to sort out your employment issues as well. Flowers

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 19:48

@MrsBerthaRochester I love your username. I do hope you have read Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys?

Your message made me sad, but it also helped me. Thank you for sharing.

OP posts:
Carinattheliqorstore1 · 15/01/2022 19:49

They may genuinely have no idea what to say, and are offering you the only advice they can think of. Hoping all goes well with treatment op xx

LessTime · 15/01/2022 19:49

Sorry about your news OP.

I would have texted back a longer and more sympathetic reply. If I was busy I wouldn't have called especially as you said in your text that it wasn't urgent. I'd wait until I had time for a chat.

If you have texted at a time they were busy or distracted then that might explain the clumsy replies. I wouldn't necessarily dismiss them as uncaring though. The fact that they asked questions which you said you clarified surely shows that they care??

You've blocked your sister and called them all heartless. I don't think you are doing yourself any favours acting and thinking like that. You want them to call you but you told them it wasn't urgent. It's completely understandable but I don't think wanting to cut them all out of your life is going to make you feel any better.

Wait a few days and see how you feel.

Good luck with everything.

Fleur405 · 15/01/2022 19:50

@Yuckypretty

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis.

This is a hard pill to swallow but just because you are empathtic and attentitive and deserve support from your friends it doesn't mean that they are capable of being empathtic and attentitive to you. Some people just struggle to be empathtic and even people who are empathtic can be bad at communicating their empathy.

Some people are willing to be supportive but need direction like...telling them you need to see them so that you can offload or process your feelings. Others will be better at practical support like taking you to medical apps.

Please don't take it personally that you didn't get supportive response...yet.

I wish you all th best Flowers

I agree with this. I recently had a terrible thing happen to me. People often say/do insensitive things. They don’t mean to they just don’t know how to deal with it. I totally agree they are not very supportive responses but think it’s probably not about you being to needy or that they don’t care, more that they don’t really know how to support you.
Huntswomanonthemove · 15/01/2022 19:50

People are scared of cancer. When I told one of my friends that I had ovarian cancer, she didn't speak to me for six months. She subsequently told me that she'd been frightened of saying the wrong thing and that she had no clue what the right thing was.

Purpleraspberry · 15/01/2022 19:52

As someone else said upthread, it is going through tough times that you find out who your true friends are.

Their initial responses were awful, but I'd perhaps give them a chance to redeem themselves and wait and see what they do from here. Maybe they will contact you again with a better response, or ask how you are doing. If they don't, then I would be reconsidering your friendship with them as that would be rotten if they don't contact you to ask how you are.

Some people can be really selfish at times like this, they are so wrapped up in their own lives they are so blase about someone's bad news. I hope your friends do redeem themselves and come good in the end. All the best with your health and your job situation Flowers

lljkk · 15/01/2022 19:53

What did you want them to say in reply, OP?
Did you want them to drop what they were doing & ring immediately.
Was the fact they texted at all the wrong action, was there anything in text they could have said that would have been the right thing to say.

Presume I'm obtuse which is why I don't understand what you wanted them to say or do instead. Those replies would not have upset me but I don't depend on people anyway. I'm not saying your feelings or reaction is right or wrong. I'm genuinely curious what is the response you wanted instead.

MrsBerthaRochester · 15/01/2022 19:53

Yes I have in deed read it, great book. I had a rare form of cancer a long time ago so I know a little of how you are feeling.
Try not to focus on those who have let you down but the ones who have been there and who will continue to support you. Thats what made me feel better. I might only have two friends but they are TRUE ones.